Thursday, August 2, 2012

Sadness has set in

I'm sad.

I didn't feel this upset when I found out I was pregnant and miscarrying.  I guess it has taken me awhile for it all to set in, especially considering I didn't even know I was pregnant this time.  

The uncertainty of everything adds to my sadness.  I'm uncertain that my thyroid is the problem.  I'm uncertain how long it will take to diagnose it, if it is in fact the problem.  I'm uncertain how long it will take to correct my levels so we can TTC again.  What is even more uncertain is the thought of my thyroid NOT being the problem.  Then what?

Recurrent miscarriages alter your thought process.  I really want to find something wrong with me.  Strange, right?  At least there would be a reason for all of this.  At least then I would feel more confident moving forward again for the forth time.

Yesterday I received a "tool" in the mail that I ordered last week.  It helps you to quickly determine your due date based on ovulation.  When we were TTCing I would always look up my potential due date online for each cycle. It is a fun way for me to pass the time and dream about during the two week wait.  Well, the wheel arrived yesterday.  It wasn't nearly as fun to play with as when we were TTCing.  

It was quite depressing really.  In fact, at one point I told my husband that it was 'the wheel of death'.  See where I was going with that one?  Not good.

Obviously I wasn't seeing anything in a positive light yesterday.

Rainbow:        Acceptance is a necessary step in the healing process
Rainshower:   Sadness and uncertainty are probably here to stay for awhile.  At least until after my follow up appointment in a couple of weeks.

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