Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Happy Halloween. Happy, Indeed

When I scheduled my appointment to meet my new Reproductive Endocrinologist I wasn't really thinking about it being Halloween.  I wasn't thinking about ALL of the cute little kids that would be trick-or-treating.  I WAS thinking about the next available time slot.  Halloween?  -Sure I'll take it.

Unfortunately I woke up with a cold this morning.  Ugh.  Then it was back-to-back meetings at work.  Ugh.  Painful meetings.  Crushing deadlines.  Panic.  Working this weekend.  Ugh.

As I began to think about my upcoming appointment I thought "oh, great, today is miserable so far.  My appointment is sure to follow suit."  Boy was I pleasantly surprised :)

I left my hectic office and ventured into the city for my appointment.  I managed to park, find my way through the maze of corridors, check in and settle into the waiting room without incident.  Yes - A step in the right direction!  I was taken to the back to get my weight, blood pressure taken and then placed BACK into the waiting room.  I appreciated this because I wasn't left to sit in the sterile exam room awaiting my fate (something I realized made me uncomfortable while meeting my new OB).  The waiting room here is set up much differently than the previous RE's office.  It was separated by a half wall and partitioned into a smaller area where I was sitting.  I came to realize that I do not dread this waiting room nearly as much as the last RE's office because of the partition wall.  I think they made a conscious effort to shield people like me from the rest of the bunch.  Thanks.   Much appreciated.  I sounds strange but it really helped.

When I met the doctor I could immediately tell he was the no nonsense type.  A good thing for me-exactly what I hoped for.  He started right in and began asking questions.  He was unemotional during my description of my miscarriages which is nice for me because it allows to to stay unemotional as well.  Making sad faces at me only makes me sad.  And makes me cry which only produces more sad faces.  Vicious cycle.   

I felt comfortable enough to interject during his descriptions.  I think I threw him a little curve ball when I said that I had already seen another RE and didn't have a good experience.   He handled it well and was pleased to look over the lab work that I have already done.  

Thankfully I felt vindicated when he said that my TSH levels could in fact be a contributing factor in the miscarriages.  He even made a note about it being even higher than the 3.34 he had in front of him.  He wants the TSH under 2.5 before getting pregnant.  PLUS, he believes in treating with progesterone.  JACKPOT.  Someone that isn't poo-pooing everything I was concerned about.  

What he wants to perform a sonohysterogram, which is to get a better look at my uterus.  He said that the sonohysterogram is more focused on the uterus and not the tubes, unlike the HSG.  Something new.  Interesting.  Happy-happy-joy-joy.

He wants to take a look at my uterus to rule out fibroids/cysts/anatomy issues.  Fingers crossed all is well otherwise that would involve surgery.  Boo. (See what I did there?  Halloween.  Boo.  haha.  Lame, I know.)

We have a followup appointment scheduled for Dec 3.  At that time he will review the results of the sonohysterogram and talk next steps which will include clomid and progesterone (unless an issue is uncovered during the producure).  Clomid for a stronger egg(s) and increased chance of conception and progestorone to help the uterine lining.  Sounds great.  Similar plan to the last RE but different at the same time because of the reasoning and approach.

The bad news: he doesn't want us to try to conceive before the sonohysterogram.  He doesn't want to run the risk of another miscarriage (which will just delay getting pregnant again).  As he said he wants the sonohysterogram results and Rx to "set us up for success."  Music to my ears!  The last RE was just pacifying me with progesterone and throwing clomid at me to try to get me pregnant fast.  What a nice change of pace.

While I am a little disheartened that we will have to wait until late December or even early January to start trying again I am reassured by the experience I had today.  I feel welcome.  I feel listened to.  I feel relieved that he believes that my TSH levels may be a contributing factor.  I am OK with waiting because for the first time in a long time I feel that I have appropriate doctors in place and that I am being properly cared for.  I am finally at peace.  Really.  Such a weight has been lifted over me.

I am very relieved that the appointment went well and that I can now great my trick-or-treaters with genuine smiles instead of trying to hold back the tears.  

There is hope here.  That I am certain of.

Rainbow:       I think I love my new no-nonsense tell-it-like-it-is RE.  What a difference a year makes :)
Rainshower:  I have a crumby cold during a very busy time for me at work.  Boo.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Blahville, USA

Yup. I'm in Blahville. I've been there for a few days now.

I'd like to get out of Blahville but it beats being in Hellville, so I guess I'll take it.

I've been so incredibly busy in October that I think it all caught up to me. I'm exhausted and I think it's contributing to my visit to Blahville.

Another contributing factor? I am meeting a new Reproductive Endocrinologist tomorrow. I have all sorts of thoughts and emotions about all of that.

I'm nervous about how he will be with me. His demeanor, his approach, his medical beliefs. I'm nervous that our personalities won't mix. And in this baby battle I have learned that personality conflicts can be quite detrimental to the medicine. I'm also nervous that he will want to do tests that would require us to wait on trying to conceive again this cycle. I have my heart set on trying this cycle so that could be a real blow.

I'm looking to the horizon and planning my trip to Blissville.

Signing off from Blahville, USA-for now.

Rainbow: We are heading in the right direction. We are moving ahead. At least my mood isn't terrible.
Rainshower: Nervousness can be paralyzing.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Hurricane Sandy and Pregnancy Announcements

The impending Hurricane Sandy has brought with her a rash of pregnancy announcements that are hard to handle.

While I am always happy for people announcing pregnancies, the announcements always cause me a twang of pain.  A facebook friend, a friend from High School is pregnant with baby #3.  I also suspect that my cousin is pregnant.  Yes - I define this as a 'rash' of pregnancy announcements.  I guess adding all of the celebrity baby announcements doesn't help either.

I suspect that I am a little bit more vulnerable about these announcements lately because my husband and I are getting ready to start to try to conceive again very soon.  I am getting anxious about it, I think.  

I am anxious it may take another 6 cycles to get pregnant.

I am anxious about having side effects from the Prometrium prescription.

I am anxious that if I do get pregnant I will have another miscarriage.

I am anxious my new reproductive endocrinologist will not be helpful.

I am anxious my thyroid levels will not be lower than before.

I am all around anxious.  Add a hurricane to the mix and it is a little overwhelming.

Rainshower:  I am anxious
Rainbow:      The hurricane isn't heading straight to us.  We will be impacted but are on the outskirts of the path.  Fingers crossed that I don't have to work tomorrow.  I could use another day to myself right now.


Friday, October 12, 2012

I'm in a funk- a Post Dr. Appointment funk

I met a potential new OB today. She was recommended with the help of my Thyroid Doctor (who I really like) and another staff member in her practice. Both of these ladies thought she would be a good match for me and my multiple miscarriage situation.

I have been reading 'Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn'. In the book it talks about questions to ask a potential caregiver. I went prepared for a meet-and-greet which is what the appt was scheduled to be. I had questions about overall practice policies, birth practices, consent & refusal, hospital affiliations, frequency of checkups, etc.

A meet-and-greet is not what I got.

Don't get me wrong I think I like her. I think. She spoke very thoughtfully and expressed an understanding about how difficult all of this is on me. She did not, however allow me to ask any questions. In reflection, she did not understand my expectations. She was of the assumption that she was my new doctor and that she needed to gather the pertinent medical history and ask me if I wanted to see an RE.

I DO want to see an RE. She gave me a referral.

I think I'm in a funk because being back in a doctors office is like reopening wounds that are still healing. It is difficult. It is painful. It is also because I just have this overwhelming ever-present feeling that no one wants to hear me talk. I have things to say people. I have questions to ask. Do I have to be pushy to get these things accomplished? I guess so.

At the end of the day I think I like her. She didn't directly answer any of my questions but she was warm, reassuring and careful in her worded approach. These are all things that are MUCH better than the previous OB I was working with during my first two miscarriages.

Next step: a trip to a NEW Reproductive Endocrinologist.

I'm a little hesitant in the Doctor I ended up with, not because of his credentials (or anything professional for the matter) but because both my Thyroid Doctor and Potential OB both referred me to an RE who is booked until the New Year. I'm not waiting that long if I can help it. We want to try this next cycle (I should ovulate around Nov 3 or so). I want to be on Clomid and Prometrium. The Doctor i am seeing is still within the referred doctors' practice and is probably her boss so I'm ok with going ahead with him. I think it will be nice to have a male RE anyway.

Perhaps it's just the idea of being disrespected, heart broken and let down AGAIN by a medical professional that gives me all of this dread in seeing any new RE, period.

We shall see. My RE appointment is Halloween. Trick or treat. I'm hoping for treats :)

Rainbows: I may have found a anew OB and my funk may be lifting already.

Rainshowers: it seems as though ANY doctors office is going to stir up negative feelings and emotions. I guess I need to figure out a way to deal with it.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Nervous & worried about trying again

We are getting to the point where we are ready to start to try to conceive again. Woohoo.

I really enjoyed the break both physically and mentally. And honestly I've had a lot on my plate on the house front so it was nice not having to worry about catching an egg or analyzing pregnancy symptoms or peeing on sticks all month long whether they were ovulation or pregnancy tests.

Well now the worry about 'catching the egg' is about to commence again. As much as I'd like to be calm and mellow about it - I know I just can't. It's not my nature. I try. But at the end of the day you could call me a 'worrier'. My brothers high school friends called me 'mom'. Is that enough of a indication about the depths of my worry?

This sort of worry wafts over me randomly during my work day. Sometimes it is overwhelming worry. Sometimes it sticks with me for hours, sometimes just minutes. Sometimes I obsess about it. Today isn't one of those days but rather just a pang of worry followed by feelings of hope.

I'd love to be pregnant over the holidays. I'm not typically in the best of spirits after Thanksgiving until March so being pregnant during that time frame would be a nice way to keep me positive. On the other hand my second miscarriage was right after Thanksgiving and was by far the most emotional miscarriage I had. this was probably due to fact that it happened within the time of year I cannot stand (due to the weather and reduce daylight hours)

Rainbow: At least I'm not worrying about having a 4th miscarriage.

Rainshower: I'm about 27 days away from ovulation so this bout of worry is more than premature :)