Thursday, May 30, 2013

I'm going triphasic again

Just like last month my chart is going triphasic. Tomorrow it will be officially triphasic.  Big deal.  It's just the progesterone. Again.

I still do not believe for a minute that I am pregnant.  But deep down I hope I am wrong.

I will be testing tomorrow.  80% of people that test on 12 DPO get a positive if they are pregnant.  Oh, the odds game again.

Rainbow       It's not over until its over.
Rainshower   I don't have much hope at this point in my cycle.  I almost feel like stopping to progesterone and just getting my old self back in the next unmediated cycle.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

The Word of the Day: Blastocyst

I'm 7 DPO.  I could have a blastocyst in my uterus right now;)  What's a blastocyst?  Well, first comes the zygote - what forms immediately after the egg & sperm fuse.  Cells divides, divide more, and then becomes a morula.  Once it reaches the uterus it is called a blastocyst.  Here are a couple of nice timelines that I refer to during my two week wait:

timeline from ovulation to implantation
timeline from ovulation to implantation

It makes me feel better about symptoms, lack of symptoms, progesterone symptoms, BBT chart analysis, general obsession, etc.

Up next: Trophoblast & Chorion.  The chorion is what secretes HCG.  Who knows when it is referred to an embryo?!

So I am 7 DPO and eating like a pig.  Thank you progesterone supplementation. :(

I still haven't tested out my HCG trigger - I am hoping to make it to 12 DPO before I test.  Five more long days.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Is a psychic next?

I was thinking about all of these things you hear about doing in the TWW to boost your odds (pineapple core, etc.) and I got to thinking about something else I have heard about on forums.

Baby Psychics.

Psychics that actually tell you how many children you will have, which month they will be conceived/born, etc.

I just may do it.  'Why not' is the theme of the month already.  I may as well do something that could be fun, right?

It's just another thing to keep my mind filled during this two week wait.

I'll take it with a grain of salt if I do in fact go ahead with it.

Pineapple Core, Brazil Nuts & Red Raspberries

Pineapple core to aid implantation.
Brazil nuts to aid implantation.
Red raspberries to increase blood flow to the uterus.

I'm all in.  Why not?

I also used mucinex and softcups this month too.  I am throwing everything at it.  What do I have to lose?  This may be our last shot on clomid since I do not want to take it anymore.  The doctor will have a hard time trying to convince me to give it another try.

This begs the question - what's next?  I don't know. 

It is a great question for the doctor.  Would we try Femara or just go natural with progesterone supplementation?   Acupuncture or another method for improving egg quality?  IUI?

I'd love for these questions to be moot but right now it is what is on my mind while I wait to see if we caught the egg.

Rainbow:  I am doing something that makes me feel good about our chances, like I am doing something.
Rainshower:  My husband thinks I am nutty for eating pineapple core but something tells me he would rather me be pineapple core nutty than see me with clomid rage like I have had this cycle.  Just a hunch ;)

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Only One Egg :(

When I went for my ultrasound on the morning of CD10 I was told I had only one dominant follicle (on the left).  

Some people may be thrilled with this but I was a little disappointed because the idea behind me being on Clomid is to make more 'targets'.  Plus, having two fertilize doesn't mean two will implant, nor does it mean both will make it full term (especially with my history).

So I was a little bummed.

Then I thought about it a little more that afternoon... Maybe I ovulated one of the eggs from the other side on my own prior to the ultrasound.  This is entirely possible considering that the first Clomid cycle had me ovulating PRIOR to CD 10. But who knows.

Only time will tell.

Rainbow: I'm making lemonade from lemons these days.  Whatever it takes.

Rainshower: It is more than likely that this mythical second egg is just a figment of my imagination.

3 DPO of Clomid Cycle #3

I am 3 DPO, I think and hope.

I'm calm right now. Much less monstrous.  Not at all monstrous, really.

I had some very light spotting yesterday afternoon.  Ovulation spotting I am assuming, which is rare for me.  Some people may like to see this but not me this month.  I am hopeful that I ovulated Sunday.  Seeing the spotting on Tuesday does not put my mind at ease however because of timing.

Regardless, I have decided that I will not be testing out the HCG trigger shot this time around.  And that I will be waiting until 12 DPO, Friday May 31, to begin testing.  I am hopeful I will be able to resist the temptation to test earlier knowing that I may get a false positive from the trigger shot.

The wait begins.

My blood test is Monday, June 3.

I have a feeling that my VIP fertility friend account will be my best friend in the coming days.

Rainbow:  I ovulated.  I think.
Rainshower: I am not too optimistic due to timing and after trigger BBT chart values as of late. 

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Clomid - NEVER Again

Never again will I be putting myself through this emotional train wreck that is Clomid.  I have had enough.  I've had enough of ALL of the hormones that I have been on for the last 5 months.  I have become a monster this cycle.  A Monster.

I also haven't believed for one minute that this cycle may end up with a BFP at the end of this dreadful cycle.  I have been buried at work, working major overtime, so I could not express these feelings earlier.  I have been obsessed with my lack of Cervical Mucus while on Clomid.  Without it I just don't have a good feeling about these cycles.  The first month of Clomid, fresh off surgery and a estadriol and provera hormone cocktail, I ovulated on CD10 or CD9 on my own before being monitored.  No CM in sight for that cycle - BFN.  Round Two of Clomid had me ovulate on CD12 the day after the trigger shot, no CM whatsoever - BFN.  This Cycle, Round Three, I am on par to ovulate today, CD11, and AGAIN I have no CM to speak off despite my efforts.

I have been taking 1200mg of the active ingredient in Mucinex since Tuesday.  Not successful for me.  I'm not sure if it is because I also have a cold right now and it isn't as effective as if I were well or not.  Regardless, I am not feeling great about our chances this time around.

Why am I feeling defeated already?  Well, the first two times we got pregnant I had an abundance of EWCM on ovulation day.  I am convinced that it was a major factor in our success those cycles.  It helps the sperm get to where it needs to go.  Yes, there is pre-seed, which we have been using, but it is just a substitute for the real thing and it 'wears off' sooner than natural EWCM. 

Before this cycle my husband and I decided that we would give Clomid a try this cycle and take the next cycle off.  We need a break.  Him for work, me for my sanity.  I am glad we have already made that decision.  I was never more in need of a break from these hormones.  I cannot stand myself any longer.  Hopelessness has begun to take over and that is not good.  I almost feel like giving up completely.  And that breaks my heart.

Rainbow: We are almost in the two week wait
Rainshower:  My mood and emotions this cycle are not helped by Mother's Day and another pregnancy announcement of a friend.  When is rains it pours.

Friday, May 10, 2013

On to the next cycle - Clomid cycle

So I am on CD 2 now.  We are going to do another round of Clomid and hope for the best.

I have been insanely busy at work this past week.  Monday I had my blood test and am officially 'not pregnant'.  I knew that already but was still nervous about the test.

I was nervous about the test because I was afraid they would call me back and tell me I was pregnant but only barely pregnant (a very low number) which just means very early miscarriage.  The things I worry about, right?  But really that IS possible.  It is what happened to me with my third miscarriage.  I tested negative right up to when I expected my period and then got my period (or what I thought was a light period at the time) only to find out a week or so later that I was having a miscarriage.

At least now I know that 'blood test day' will always be worrisome for me regardless of the information I know going into it.

I was disappointed that we didn't end up pregnant.  There were two eggs so double the opportunity but I guess it wasn't meant to be.

So this time, this cycle, I am going to go all out before we take a one month break.

Here's the plan:

100mg Clomid on days 3-7.

Baby aspirin.




Pineapple core.

Brazil nuts.

Red raspberries.

Mother's Day is here and I am thankful to be TTCing right now.  It keeps me occupied with positive thoughts of the future rather than dwelling on the negative and what should have been and ages and due dates and the comparisons to other people.

Rainbow:     It's a fresh start.
Rainshower: I will be empty handed on mothers day yet again

Saturday, May 4, 2013

My POAS withdrawal is over

I peed on a stick this morning. BFN. Boo.

As soon as the BFN was evident I immediately regretted the decision to test. I was in a funk for the next few hours.

I searched Fertility Friend to no end looking for other people's promising charts. You know the search "negative HPT before positive HPT." Ugh.

The shred of hope I am still clinging to is that I just don't have enough HCG in my system yet. Heck, I never even saw a positive pregnancy test with my third pregnancy/miscarriage. The blood test from the doctor confirmed it after I called about my prolonged, abnormal bleeding.

So, I'm not out yet but I am not too hopeful at this point. I am 12 DPO after all.

Rainbow: It's not over until its over.
Rainshower: I'm not too hopeful that we were lucky this month.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Why wouldn't it work this month?

So I've done some math. I did it more to track our number of TTC cycles (to input when submitting a chart to Fertility Friend) and it has really made me think.

Counting our three miscarriages we have been successful in getting pregnant 3 times in the 7 cycles we tried. Most of our unsuccessful cycles were between our 2nd and 3rd miscarriage. The first two pregnancies happened on our first try. Pretty unbelievable, right?

Those odds are good. So why shouldn't it work this time with Clomid? I hate statistics but this one begs to be calculated.

We have a 43% success rate in getting pregnant overall. That's much higher than the 15% monthly chance someone my age generally has. I know that isn't comparing apples to apples but it is still worth mentioning.

I'm taking this as a positive. IF we got pregnant this cycle we would have a 50% TTC success rate... If next month it would be 44%.

Perhaps I am grasping at straws here. Can you blame me? I haven't peed on a stick since Wednesday. I am blaming the 'pee on a stick' withdrawal for this madness.

It's looking like I'll be testing tomorrow morning.

My, how things change in a matter of hours.

Rainbow: I found a statistic I like.
Rainshower: This statistic could ultimately become less and less favorable as the months go by. I may grow to hate that actually did this math.

Who cares if my chart is triphasic? -Not me!

Hormones have taken over.

I am not feeling as great as I was at 9 DPO. I am moody and tired. I am on the fence about the possibility of being pregnant. One minute I think I am, the next I think not.

My chart is still triphasic but I'm not reading too much into it. Fertility Friend even told me that my progesterone supplementation could be causing the higher temps. I tend to agree today.

I will probably test tomorrow or Sunday. I'd like to wait until Sunday but I can't say what I'll want to do when tomorrow morning comes. I'll probably cave and test.

My blood draw is Monday. So it will then be official, either way.

Rainshower: My mood has soured.
Rainbow: I am proud of myself. I have handled this two week very well.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

9 DPO and Triphasic?

So my BBT chart is on the verge of going triphasic. If I have another high temp tomorrow it will be triphasic.

I'm cautiously optimistic about this.

If I had more pregnancy symptoms I might be more excited about it but in the back of my mind I just don't feel like I'm pregnant. I'm feeling too good. Plus I am attributing the temperate shift to my Clomid and progesterone cocktail. My pre-o temps were higher as a result of Clomid so it is logical to conclude that progesterone is doing the same thing to my post-temps.

Rainbow: I am in the most calm TWW I have ever had. It is a nice for a change.

Rainshowers: Things can change so quickly.