Sunday, August 23, 2015

These are good problems to have...

It's been a busy couple of weeks.  I've spent a considerable amount of time on the phone with my RI office and considerable time in the chair at many locals labs getting blood work.  My arms are quite bruised unfortunately.  There have been day when I have been pricked THREE time in ONE day.  It's been a little hectic and inconvenient but these are good problems to have!

"These a good problems to have" - my current mantra.

As you may know my husband has a needle phobia.  He loathes it.  He has been known to faint in the past while getting blood work and immunization.  He fainted also a week ago.  These are good problems to have.

By Tuesday of last week I want to say that I was 'stupid happy.'  Beyond happy to have made it this far with HCG results coming in so nicely.

Then I received word from my RI office about my Immunology Panel.  To quote the nurse, "they are pretty OK."  Basically, my natural killer cells are slightly activated and my LADs are somewhat low.  Recommendation: IVIG.  A solution.  While this was stressful and less than ideal these are still good problems to have.  I am pregnant.  We have a shot.

I did another HCG draw after hearing the IVIG news and was reassured by the increase.   It is still right on track for where I am.  Then I did the IVIG a couple of days ago.  I was again reassured to not have to wait through the weekend.

I was happy.  Stupid, happy yesterday.

Then today I had some light brown spotting.  Suddenly I was filled with anxiety.  The timing was unsettling since today I am 5 weeks 6 days pregnant.  This is the farthest I have ever gotten, tomorrow I will have broken my previous record.  It was very, very unsettling.  I talked to my husband about it which I didn't intend on doing until he started to get on my case about being winded after climbing the parking garage stairs (in my defense it is extremely humid here today).  I told him to stop picking on me since I was a little stressed.  I know spotting is common but given our past history of loss, blood is never something that I can just shake off.  I commented about how I wished I could go back to being that naive, excited and happy person I was in my first pregnancy.  It seems as though as soon as I get a little bit of confidence something comes along that shakes it.  These are good problems to have.  I am pregnant.

The spotting was an isolated occurance.  It could have been a little irritation from the Crinone I am taking.  I could have been something else.  Who knows.  It is gone and that is all I care about.  It did, however, freak me out and remind me that I am far from out to the woods.  7 more weeks until the 2nd trimester.  Hopefully we get there and that will give me some piece of mind.  We can only hope but again, these are good problems to have.

Friday, August 14, 2015

I'm 17 DPO & my HCG is 334

Is this real?  My beta more than double again?  Really?  That is fantastic.

So I took the call from a new-to-me nurse at my RE's office.  She called me around 11:30am today on my day off.  She told me my beta was 334 - yippee!   Then she told me we wouldn't be doing any more betas - sudden panic!  It was a strange to go from sheer joy to sheer panic.  I was so excited about the news of my good beta that I just accepted the news about the continued betas (I have my reproductive immunologist that can order those tests if I/they want them).  She told me that my first ultrasound will be on September 3.  All I could think was "Oh. My. God.  That is SO far away."

On September 3, I will be 7 weeks, 2 days.  You see, I've never made it to 7 weeks.  Not even close.  I think my longest lasting pregnancy was 5 weeks 6 days.  September 3 seems so far away.  Ugh.

Speaking of my Reproductive Immunologist, at the Alan E. Beer Center...  Their office has been a dream to work with.  They have always been so helpful and understanding and they continue to be.  It is wonderful to call and email them and get almost immediate answers.  Plus when I email and then call they don't scold me for not being patient.  They understand that their patients could be 10 minutes away from a full scale meltdown.  The nurse have truly been a sanity-saver.  If I didn't have my RI to fall back on I would still be in the same panic I was in after hearing the "no more betas" news.  My RE's office just doesn't get it.  I do not fit in the typical box.  I am not your typical infertility patient.  Yes, it has been quite awhile since my last miscarriage but I'm still not their average patient. [end of rant]  Don't get me wrong - the RE office nurses are nice, they are knowledgeable.  I just feel like they don't understand my anxiety about a loss.  Thank goodness for the Alan E. Beer Center.

My sweet husband.  I sent him a text with the good news but could help but tell him that I was freaking out a bit.  His response was adorable and reassuring (me: blue  him: grey)

Where are we now?  Well, I'm allowing myself to enjoy today.  Today, I am pregnant.  Today, I found out that I have had three betas that more than doubled every time.  Today, there is no wondering - I am pregnant.  Holy Moly.   Today is a great day.  I hope it continues.

Here is my HPT progression from 12 DPO to 17 DPO.  I'm going to keep testing for piece of mind but mostly with Internet Cheapies (I'm not buying anymore FRERs). I want to see these lines get darker and certainly NOT lighten.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Still Seeking a Blazing Positive - Why?

Call me crazy but I really need to see this line darken everyday.  I may not be as dark as if like it to be but at least it is getting darker.  These darkening tests, and regular betas, are what are keeping me calm right now.  

I'm surprisingly calm these days.  Maybe it's because I know that it is out of my control?  Maybe it is because it had been THREE LONG YEARS since I've been pregnant so I'm not obsessing about a possible miscarriage?  Maybe it's because I have a plethora of Doctors all weighing in?  Maybe it's because I have been doing so many different things lately that it feels like my actions are sustaining this pregnancy (read: Lovenox, twice daily)  Who knows.  At least I'm calm.  Maybe I don't need to know why.  

I hope I can continue to be this calm.  It would be such a wonderful change of pace.  A very welcome change.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

I'm 15 DPO & my HCG is 139

My HCG this morning came in at 139.  This is good news.  We were looking for at least 116, so 139 means I had a doubling time of 38.1 hours.

Here is today's HPTs.  They aren't distinguishably darker BUT they aren't lighter...excuse the lighting.  It isn't very bright at 5am :)

We are still guarded but today's news is good.  Today is a good day.  Today I am pregnant.

I go back on Friday for another beta.  On Friday we are hoping for 278.  Fingers crossed.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Still darkening

The test is darker than yesterday morning.  Still not a blazing positive but it's progress.  

Compared to 13 DPO...

Monday, August 10, 2015

That's a darker line!

Well, since I have about 25 internet cheapies that expire this month I decided to test after work today.  I prepared myself for the line to be faint, possibly barely there.  You know, worse than this morning.  I was wrong. It was darker. I'm pleasantly surprised.

It's a small victory but I will take it.  

My beta isn't as high as the average of 85 on 13 DPO, like says, but at least my line is darker.  This website is about to become my best friend and worst enemy.

We are taking it day by day, test after test.  The picture will hopefully become clearer on Wednesday with my second beta.  In the meanwhile, here are today's tests (expired FRER & almost expired Internet cheapies).  Sorry it's upside down.  I blame my camera phone.

I’m 13 DPO & My HCG is 58

Today is Monday, August 10.  This morning I awoke and peed on a stick again.  It’s still positive but no more so than yesterday.   In fact, it is probably fainter than yesterday.  My expectations are set for another miscarriage.  I am protecting my emotional self from becoming too attached too soon and thinking too far into an idyllic future, a future that is quite uncertain today.  

went in for a bloodtest this morning to see what my levels are.  I’m 13 DPO & My HCG is 58.  I checked the portal.  I haven’t heard from the doctor’s office yet but expect to return for another blood draw on 15 DPO on Wed, August 12

In the meanwhile I will continue taking my pre-natals, vitamins, baby aspirin, Lovenox twice daily and Crinone twice daily.  I’m not going to give up without at least giving this embryo a shot at making it.  I’ll also be taking another test tomorrow and crossing my fingers that the line is darker.  You never know.  It’s not over until it’s over.

I called my Reproductive Immunologist this morning and filled them in on the situation.  They are emailing me some lab requisitions for Wednesday afternoon.  I will wait on their bloodwork until I have a better idea of which direction the pregnancy is going in.

At the end of the day this is progress.  I haven’t been pregnant in over 3 years and with MUCH medical intervention so even if I miscarry this is a step in the right direction.  I whole-heartedly believe that my new supplements have helped this pregnancy happen.  Yes, many factors are always in play but I genuinely feel that the Acai Berry supplement had a significant impact in getting us where we are right now. 

Three cheers for Acai Berries and fingers crossed for a good beta on Wednesday.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Wait. Is that a line?

Wait.  What?  Is that a line?  I think that's a line...

This Sunday morning started like most days when my period is approaching.  I get up at 6am, use the bathroom, dip a pee stick and go right back to bed without waiting for the results.  It's Sunday, after all, I want to sleep in.  Why bother waiting for the test result?  Sleep is much more desirable on these precious weekends.  Fast forward 2 hours.  I rise again at 8:30am to actually get up and start my lazy morning.

I start my morning routine.  Feed the cats, take my thyroid med, run the sprinklers, start the dishwasher, open the shades and finally sit with the cats & watch a crappy TV while I plan out my day.  While watching crappy TV, I realized that I had a splinter/sliver from this weekends' project - Operation Garage Clean Up.  I peel the sleeping cat off my lap to tend to my sliver in the bathroom when it occurred to me that I never check that pregnancy test. 

I picked up the 5 hour old pregnancy test with the normal rhythm I've acquired over the last 3 years of seeing those dreadful but expected negative pregnancy tests.  You know - pick it up, quickly glance, then put it straight in the garbage and quickly move on.

This morning was different.  This morning I glanced at the test a saw a faint line.  I did a double take.  "Wait.  What?  Is that a line?  I think that's a line..."  I immediately began shaking.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  Then I realized that this test was 5 hours old.  It could definitely be a false positive.  "Don't get excited yet, Sunny," I tell myself.

Of course, I peed again and tested again with another internet cheapie at 11:00am.  Is this second morning urine?  I can't remember.  Let's just focus on the sliver.  5 minutes later... Faint positive!  Oh my god.  Seriously?  I'm pregnant?  No way!  Out comes the expired First Response pregnancy test that has been waiting for this very occassion.  Another faint positive.  Holy cow! 

What do I do now?!  What DPO am I again?  I'm nervous-excited.  I freak out a little.  My mind begins racing.  Yes, we tried.  Yes, we timed it perfectly.  Yes, my CM has been a little more plentiful after ovulation but I quickly explained that away.  BUT...  I feel off the Lovenox train.  Since I actually ovulated this month and we caught the egg just in time I decided to throw everything at this cycle before starting another round of IVF.  All-in included Lovenox & baby aspirin.  The problem is I fell off the Lovenox train after 7 DPO and skipped a couple of baby aspirins in the TWW.  I took Lovenox nightly on 2-5 DPO & 7 DPO.  Today is 12 DPO.  The worry begins to set in.  The insecurities creep in. 

Get it together.  Let's think about next steps.  Don't get too excited. 

History has not been kind to me in these traditionally happy times.  Could this time be different?  What is different this time?  1. I've been taking additional supplements since mid June.  2. My failed IVF cycle could have acted as replacement for a uterine scratch... which is supposed to jump started the immune system in my uterus.  3.  I did do an IVIG infusion not too long ago - maybe it helped.  4. I have been taking blood thinners, albeit inconsistently, that are supposed to help with implantation.

I am cautiously optimistic.  But... Today I am pregnant.  Oh. My. Goodness.  Today I am pregnant.