Friday, December 28, 2012

More of the Unexpected

I want to start this by saying that I absolutely adore my mother-in-law.  I truly do.  I am very lucky that my in-laws have always been so amazing to me.

I have talked to her at length about my miscarriages and all of my medical appointments, etc.  She understands that all of this has been difficult on me.  It has been so wonderful to be able to talk to her.

My mother-in-law worked full time and then part time before having her first child.  She stopped working when she was six months pregnant.  After having her son she did not return to work until her two kids were in high school, 15 years later.  She then worked part time for three years until the family moved across the country and hasn't worked out of the home since.  

That being said, I was sincerely surprised to hear her being less than supportive about the idea of me being a stay-at-home mom.  I was a little bewildered by her reaction when I had mentioned that we were considering it while in conversation today.

For the last couple of days she has made many mentions of how hard it was for her to be married to a work-a-holic (which my husband has also turned into) and taking care of the needs of her two kids and her husband while staying home full time.  In the past she has even made a point to mention that she didn't get pregnant, after years of trying, until she reduced her hours.  It almost sounded like she was encouraging me to reduce my hours too.

That is why I was so surprised to see her concern and hear her reservations about me possibly staying at home.  She was very polite and subtle but I could tell that she was bothered by it.  

We sort of changed topics and moved onto talking about something else but I can't help wondering why she was hesitant.  She did mention something about "you know, if your husband makes enough money..."   Is that the concern?  Does she think I'm just a free-loader?  Then she even mentioned something about my dream job.   "Would that make enough income?"  I was definitely taken aback by THAT.  Gee, thanks for making my dream job feel insignificant and not worth pursuing just like parents and teachers did to me as a child.

I'm just shocked.  And hurt.  I just don't know what to think about it all.  I could be reading too much into her reaction and words, of course.  Maybe she is just concerned that my husband doesn't make enough money.  Does she even know how much we make?  She might just be concerned about our stability and future lifestyle.  Lifestyle - what an interested sidebar that could be in this situation.

Rainshower:    The unexpected has, yet again on this trip, sent me to a self conscience place.  I now have one less person to confide in, I fear.  I'm in self preservation mode now.
Rainbow:         Fortunately these decisions are between my husband and myself.  I know who will be breaking the news to her when the time comes, and it will not be me. 

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Surviving the Holidays while TTCing

I am sure many people TTCing during the holidays have very familiar feelings to the ones I am having this month.

For family gatherings I prepared myself for the inevitable questions about having kids and prepared my ‘go to’ reply:  “We are getting there”.  I expected to have pangs of jealousy and be emotional when I saw my many cousins’ many children.  I expected to be cornered by an aunt and being told, “you aren’t getting any younger, you know”, just as my Grandma had said years ago.  My reply was and will still be a gasp from shock and a sarcastic “Gee, Thanks” comment along with a displeased facial expression. 

I expected these things and many more.  Many of the things I prepared for above did happen.  It is the unexpected things that get you, of course. 

What I did not expect was that within 20 minutes of arriving at my parents’ house my sister-in-law was going to tell me that another one of my sister-in-laws was pregnant!  “Gee, thanks”, I thought.  I think I was able to not act as blindsided as I originally was, but who knows.  My “gee, thanks” thought was directed towards my Mom.  My Mom does know about my difficulties staying pregnant and the fact that I am having surgery next month in an attempt to be able to stay pregnant.  She knows that I have had a really hard time over the past 18 months with three miscarriages, the difficult-to-get subclinical hypothyroid diagnosis, and the emotional toll it all has taken on me.  Yet, she didn’t feel the need to tell me this?  She didn’t feel the need to warn me?  This is just typical of my mom.  “Gee, Thanks”, I think to myself.  I am alone, on an island again, as usual.

The next morning I took it upon myself to say “All right, out with it.  Is anyone else pregnant?”  Her matter-of-fact reply, “Yes, Abby is pregnant.  I think she is due in April”.   “Gee, Thanks Mom.”  She just cannot see that this is all so painful for me.

I am happy I took it upon myself to ask because, obviously, she didn’t think that this information would be helpful to know prior to coming face to face with a pregnant belly.  Sigh.

Some people, even those the ones that are the closest to you just do not understand.

All things considered I think I faired pretty well this time around.

Rainshower:  More people are pregnant – what a shocker (sarcasm). 
Rainbow:        The good news is that I was able to survive the holidays thus far.  The odds are in my favor that I can get through the rest of it ok.

Note:  We are on a forced break from TTCing until I recover from my uterine polyp surgery in late January but I still associate myself as being in the “TTC” category. 

Monday, December 10, 2012

Pregnancy announcements -Act One, Take Two

It wasn't that long ago that I wrote about the onslaught of pregnancy announcements and here I am back at it again.

I'd like to first say that I AM very happy for these people, but it does sting.

There has been THREE pregnancy announcements in less than a week. It has been a bad week for this to occur considering the discovery of my uterine polyp and the subsequent surgery it will require.

The first one was the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. Yes- I'm counting it because it has been reported everywhere since it was announced WHILE I WAS MEETING WITH MY RE TO DISCUSS MY POLYP & SURGERY.

The second one was my High School friend who is pregnant with her third living child. She will have 3 under 3 by the time this one is born.  I feel very happy for her especially considering her first child was stillborn.

The third, the icing on the cake for me was my old boyfriend and his wife. That one was the biggest punch in the stomach not only because it's my ex, which I still talk to (his wife too), but because they announced it via Christmas Card Photo.  She was holding up a onesie on the inside of the card as a surprise to everyone. It really knocked the wind out of me.

What makes this worse is that there is SO many celebrities who are pregnant or just had a baby. I can't escape the announcements, no matter where I go.

I'm having a pity party about it all.

I'm still a year away from a baby. And I'm still gutted about that.

Rainbow: At least ill be able to try again soon after my polyp removal surgery.

Rain shower: This time of year is always hard on me, baby or no, pregnant or not.  Can it be April yet?

Monday, December 3, 2012

Thanksgiving 2013 baby?

So I just did the math. The soonest we could have a baby would be Thanksgiving 2013 (if we get pregnant in the first cycle after I have recovered from surgery). Fingers crossed that Clomid helps make this possible.

It's a lot to potentially be thankful for but at the same time it always seems as if this 'future baby' is always one year away. Always a year. After a miscarriage it's always a year too because of the waiting to start trying again. I'm just tired of always being a year away from parenthood.

I'd like to be 6 months away. Past the greatest risk of miscarriage. After seeing a heartbeat.

This journey -my saga- is just so frustrating.

Lucky me. I'm having surgery (sarcasm)

I'm having surgery just as I expected.

Don't get me wrong - I like the idea of getting this 6mm x 6mm uterine polyp removed BUT I have to wait until the end of January to have the surgery. I have to wait because the soonest optimal time to have the surgery falls during the week of Christmas. I will be out of town and my RE will not be working either.

MORE DELAYS. It is frustrating. The soonest we could get pregnant would now be February, I think.  I know it doesn't seem like a big deal but I've been at this for quite awhile (June 2011) and I happen to be having another birthday soon. 33-ugh. I had hoped to already have a baby by now.

After the 2nd or 3rd miscarriage I told myself that I wanted to be pregnant by the time I turned 33. I'm not too sure why I came up with that but I have a feeling it had to do with me wanting 2 kids and wanting to at least be pregnant with the 2nd by the time I'm 35.

35 is not just an arbitrary number. It has to do with egg quality and miscarriage statistics. The older you get the older your eggs become and the greater chance of a chromosome abnormality and dramatically higher miscarriage likelihood. Like I need a higher chance of miscarriage, right?

Bloody hell.

However, surgery is a good thing. It will HOPEFULLY solve my miscarriage mystery. I'd just like to get there sooner than later.

Lately I've been kicking myself for not bailing on the first RE sooner. I feel like if I had the sonohystogram instead of the HSG I would have found this stupid polyp already and I wouldn't be working against the '35 clock' like I am now.

Rainshower: Time is ticking. I'm turning 33 soon.

Rainbow: I'm getting this polyp removed. I will be starting 2013 with a clean slate and a clean uterus.  I have come a long way since my 3rd miscarriage.  I need to remind myself of that.