Monday, November 26, 2012

I have a polyp... Now what?

This morning I had a sonohystogram done. I expected to be told everything looks fine just like ALL of the other tests I've had done (including an HSG). To say I was surprised by the outcome is an understatement.

All I know is that I have a 5-6 mm polyp at the top of my uterus. In the back, I think. The ultrasound tech didn't say much but she inferred that it will have to be removed because it is in prime implantation area.


The sonohystogram was more uncomfortable than the HSG I had done with my first RE. Odd considering it was supposed to be easier by everyone's description (my RE, his nurse, ultrasound tech and the Dr. Performing the procedure).

I cramped far more than with the HSG. I have a retroverted uterus (it tilts backwards 'quite a bit' according to the technician). I assume that because of my tilted uterus they had to attempt it multiple times with two different catheters (I'll leave out the details about why I think that is).

The worst part about her multiple attempts was that right before they abandoned the first catheter the ultrasound tech 'saw something'.   That is not what you want to hear during this procedure.  The hope is that they see nothing.  Something - not good.

I had to lay there worrying and cramping, my mind racing, while they used a different catheter which happened to be the same one used with the HSG procedure.   Not the greatest experience.

I contained my emotions. I didn't cry. I pretended to be unfazed by the outcome. I think I was in shock, really. I never considered the possibility of them actually finding something. Mostly because everyone has been so confident that there is nothing wrong with me.

I feel sadly vindicated. I feel lucky to have found a doctor who is ordering these tests.

My first stop after the procedure was google, of course. The procedure to remove the poly is called an hysteroscopic polypectomy.

It requires anesthesia. Boo.

I'm a little freaked out. Luckily I have a follow up appt with my doctor next Monday so we will see what he has to say about it all.

Rainshower: More delays in getting pregnant. I'm terrified of going under anesthesia since I've never even broken a bone.  Surgery has never been mentioned before.

Rainbow: Maybe this polyp, along with my elevated TSH, is the problem. Lets get that sucker out of there.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Pinterest's New Secret Boards are allowing me to Baby Obsess (not good)

Oy vey! I'm in trouble.

I'm stuck on Pinterest pinning all-things-baby to my secret 'future baby' board.

You see, before Pinterest had these secret boards I pinned baby stuff, among other things, to my 'Someday' board so that my followers didn't know that I'm as baby obsessed as I really am. Now that no one can see my obsession I'm even more obsessed.

Actually I think people may be getting an inclining that I'm baby obsessed because I've had a few family members that follow me ask my mom if I'm pregnant. Whoops. I was trying to pace myself and pin baby stuff between pics of tropical vacations and Great Danes. I guess I wasn't doing a very good job of that... Or perhaps no one was paying attention to the fact that it was my 'someday' board.

This obsessive secret pinning is going to to even MORE trouble when we are TTC and I'm in my TWW. Yikes.

Oh the things to look forward to!

Rainbow: I can now pin all of the things that I have so far avoided out of fear of being found out.

Rainshower: One of my tools to combat the dreaded two week wait has been taken away. I used to use Pinterest as an a distraction and now they have enabled me to further obsess.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Conflicted Feelings over becoming a Stay at Home Mom

I want to be a stay at home mom. I never thought I would have wanted to be a stay at home mom.

I worry about that choice.

I worry that my future daughter will not respect me as a hardworking woman and will not strive to become self sufficient.

I worry that my children will be spoiled by my presence and not appreciate all that I do for them.

I worry that my children may become too dependent upon me or that they will be too dependent upon the things I do for them and they will not be equipped as an adult.

I worry that other people will judge me.

I worry that I will disappoint those people that have always thought of me as a role model for their children.

I worry that when I WANT to return to work I will be unable to pick back up where I left and make a decent amount of money.

I am a worrier. Can't you tell?

My mom worked full time so I just thought I would too. I grew up being told 'you can be whatever you want when you grow up and do whatever you want to do'. I always thought I would be able to have it all: a great career, a big paycheck, a cute family, pets, house, tropical vacations, etc. I never thought that the pressures of a 24 hour a day world might someday force me to rank the importance all of these things. That I would not have enough hours in the day to do everything I wanted to do (while being who I wanted to be for the people in my life). Adulthood has woken me up to the fact that I have to choose what is most important to ME and let the rest fall. I cannot physically and emotionally handle 'it all'.

I have always thought being able to be a SAHM was a luxury. That it was nice if it was financially possible for people to do so. Now living where I am and making what I make, at the end of the day, I wouldn't be taking home much money after all of the expenses. (I do recognize that my 'not much' is different than someone else's.) Day care around Boston is one of the most expensive in the nation - it is in the top 3! It really makes you think about things much differently when you have that to consider. All that sacrifice, hard work and stress for what? The ability to take a nicer vacation every year? (Provided there is any vacation time left to use after a kids fever/cold take up your vacation time). I don't even LIKE my job anyway. I have no room to advance where I'm at and have tried unsuccessfully for YEARS to get another job.

When I met my husband he felt strongly that someone had to stay home with the kids. Poppycock, I thought.

His mom stayed home until the kids were in school then worked part time. My mom never stayed home. I turned out just fine.

Well after a few years and many conversations about our childhoods I came to realize his was rosier than mine but I thought that it had far more to do with our different income brackets. That is until later.

Now I think that his childhood was rosier than mine partly because of the greater means of his parents but also because his mom stayed home. He could do more 'things', spend more time together. He wasn't saddled with the responsibilities I had at young age. He was allowed to be a kid. He had more opportunities to figure out what he was good at and encouraged to follow that path. I truly believe that a lot of it had to do with his mom staying home. She wasn't as stressed and tired as my mom was working full time while raising us alone. She could notice and nurture his talents and guide him toward activities that would help him flourish. Not me. I was shuffled around constantly. Grandma B, Grandma V, Aunt L, Aunt D & Uncle P all had their rotation. I am not trying to judge my mom at all. She did what she had to do but I want my kids to have a different experience.

I will be honest, there was a time I DID judge SAHM's. I was in high school. My aunt stayed home with her 4 kids until they were all in school all day. I DID judge her when her husband asked me something to me about my aspirations. I was full steam ahead with my 'go to college and do better than my parents plan' so at the time not working didn't seem like an option to make that possible.

I feel terrible about that now. I feel terrible because I truly had NO idea what it is like to be an adult. The deep sense of responsibility that comes with it.

Rainbows: At the end of the day my ability to stay home is a luxury and I am thankful I have the choice of doing so.

Rainshowers: I have a hard time accepting that my life hasn't worked out exactly as I pictured in high school. My high school self would not even recognize me now.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Fertile Stars in Alignment When Not TTC

Why is it that during the cycles we are NOT trying conceive I get ALL to signs of impending ovulation but not when we are actually trying? (Let the acronyms begin)

I had EWCM. A positive OPK suggesting an LH Surge. My BBT chart was perfect and FF even gave me definite crosshairs rather than dashed crosshairs. Daylight savings didn't even effect my BBT.

Go figure.

Rainbow: I ovulated. It is confirmed. Woohoo.
Rainshower: Knowing that I'm just about to ovulate and resisting the urge to try for a baby is a challenge.

Oh, The Politics

This election year has been interesting to say the least. People have been divided. People have also been quite open to talking about politics with anyone who will listen and even the people that do not have any interest in listening.

In seeing all of the politic dialogue on Facebook lately, and on Facebook in general over the years, it has really driven home the fact that I was always completely different from everyone I grew up around, even extended family members.

I grew up in a conservative, religious area and I am neither of those things. I was the minority without even knowing it. I looked like them yet I was very different but never knew why. Facebook has really opened my eyes to these differences and I cannot help but wonder how different high school could have been for me had I known about these fundamental differences. I could have had an easier time seeking out people that shared my viewpoints and perhaps high school wouldn't have been so loathsome. I would have understood these people better too.

About a month ago Oprah wrote a letter to her '16 year old self'. It got me thinking.

What would I have told my 16 year old self?

I would have told myself:
Right now you are surrounded by religious conservatives but it won't be like that forever. You wont even have to go too far to find less conservative people to befriend. Even the people that you don't think are conservative really are.

I would have told myself:
Try to seek out people that are less conservative and religious. It will make a difference. You won't feel as though you are constantly filtering your thoughts, dreams and feelings about social policy.

I would have told myself:
You will eventually meet people more like-minded and feel more at ease with yourself, your friendships and your path in life.

I would have told myself:
If you think it's difficult now, just wait. Enjoy the carefree time you have even though it doesn't feel carefree now.

I would have told myself:
Relax a little. You are allowed to have a little fun, spend a little of that hard earned money.

While I felt alienated, isolated and alone in high school it did have a positive effect on me. I learned how to listen to people even though I didn't agree with them and to reply to them in a very diplomatic way.

It also allowed me to understand more about where these people are coming from, why they feel this way. Knowing this has helped me to be less judgmental about their beliefs later in life. I accept them and there off-the-wall facebook posts whereas they were never able to accept me. They made me a better person. Hopefully I made them think a little when I occasionally spoke up.

My husband often wonders how I ended up being as open minded and accepting while surrounded by close minded people. I think is has to do with the fact that my mother let me grow up to make my own choices and my own opinions about things that other parents preach to their children. I am specifically talking about politics.

I learned about politics in school and on the news, not at home. The elementary teacher outlined the differences between democrats and republicans and that was that. My mother never spoke about politics in my presence. TO THIS DAY I HAVE NO IDEA IF SHE IS A REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT.

People are astonished to learn this. I mean jaw-dropping astonishment.

My mother isn't exactly a Chatty-Cathy. She keeps most of her opinions to herself. I'm not sure she kept the topic of politics from me out of her quietness or by design but it is one of those things that has allowed me to be me and I am very thankful for that.

This is one of those things I'd like to do for my children as well.

So at the end of the day, while my conservative extended family members may be outraged by my choices in life and the path I've chosen for myself, I am entertained by their extremely conservative facebook status updates and rants in the wake of the election of Barrack Obama. Just entertained - not outraged. I am accepting. I accept that I cannot change them. So why do they still try to change me?

Rainshower: High school stunk but it helped me become who I am today.

Rainbow: I am finally surrounded by more like-minded people. I finally have a couple of friends that I feel I can talk openly to and it had made a big difference in my sense of belonging.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Oh yeah... I finally told my Mom

Until now, after three miscarriages, I had not told my Mom or any of my family about everything that I have been going through.

I may seem astonishing to many people but to me it wasn't one of those things I talk about with my mom. She accepts me for who I am and I accept her but we don't really have a relationship that makes me want to immediately pick up the phone and share news with her. Or call for advice. Or call for comfort. I enjoy spending time with her but we just don't have a 'typical' mother-daughter relationship.

What is a typical mother-daughter relationship anyway? That's a loaded question. I'm sure what many people think of is the quintessential picture perfect relationship. I'm not too sure that it exists for most people. We all have baggage. We all have different upbringings and experiences that shape us as children and parents. There is no such thing as a typical parent-child relationship.

After my first miscarriage I didn't think to tell anyone. It was supposed to be a one time thing.

After my second miscarriage I was too devastated and upset to tell my Mom. I was busy trying to pick myself back up - not share my heartache with everyone.

After my third miscarriage I was almost worried to tell her. You know - because I had THREE miscarriages in the last 13 months and had not told her about any of them. Guilt was setting in. Why was I guilty, anyway?

So I waited. I waited until after I saw an endocrinologist about my thyroid. I waited until after the results. Until after there was a plan of sorts in place. Until after I started medication.

At that point I had lined up appointments with an entirely new medical team. I was starting a clean slate and felt the clean slate needed to include divulging everything. Ridding myself of the guilt. A selfish reason really. But it was my news to share. My heartache to bear. I was finally ready.

Due to previous experiences I had with my mother not knowing what to say to reassure me when I was looking for soothing, I decided it would be best to just lay it all out there. No stopping for a breath, no waiting for a reaction. I was sort if like a bull in a china shop with the news.

It sounds harsh, but again, it was an act of self preservation. I could not bear to think that she wouldn't say ANYTHING like when i was upset in the past.

I was afraid I would hear nothing but silence on the other end of the phone. Afraid that my world would crumble knowing that again she isn't able to say anything to soothe me.

I was pleasantly surprised. She said a few things as I was rambling along with my story, my feelings, my doctors, my plan, my heartache, my wishes to keep it all quiet. She said she was sorry. She was interested in what I was doing medically.

I felt fine when we ended the conversation. I wasn't heartbroken.

We haven't spoken about any of it since. That is our relationship. It is all unspoken.

And my husband wonders why I have a hard time expressing emotions.

Rainbows: I got it over with. I wasn't heartbroken. My relationship with my mom hasn't changed a bit.

Rainshowers: I have a nagging feeling that my mom's feelings were hurt though she would never say so. I am paranoid I hurt her BECAUSE she would never say so.