Until now, after three miscarriages, I had not told my Mom or any of my family about everything that I have been going through.
I may seem astonishing to many people but to me it wasn't one of those things I talk about with my mom. She accepts me for who I am and I accept her but we don't really have a relationship that makes me want to immediately pick up the phone and share news with her. Or call for advice. Or call for comfort. I enjoy spending time with her but we just don't have a 'typical' mother-daughter relationship.
What is a typical mother-daughter relationship anyway? That's a loaded question. I'm sure what many people think of is the quintessential picture perfect relationship. I'm not too sure that it exists for most people. We all have baggage. We all have different upbringings and experiences that shape us as children and parents. There is no such thing as a typical parent-child relationship.
After my first miscarriage I didn't think to tell anyone. It was supposed to be a one time thing.
After my second miscarriage I was too devastated and upset to tell my Mom. I was busy trying to pick myself back up - not share my heartache with everyone.
After my third miscarriage I was almost worried to tell her. You know - because I had THREE miscarriages in the last 13 months and had not told her about any of them. Guilt was setting in. Why was I guilty, anyway?
So I waited. I waited until after I saw an endocrinologist about my thyroid. I waited until after the results. Until after there was a plan of sorts in place. Until after I started medication.
At that point I had lined up appointments with an entirely new medical team. I was starting a clean slate and felt the clean slate needed to include divulging everything. Ridding myself of the guilt. A selfish reason really. But it was my news to share. My heartache to bear. I was finally ready.
Due to previous experiences I had with my mother not knowing what to say to reassure me when I was looking for soothing, I decided it would be best to just lay it all out there. No stopping for a breath, no waiting for a reaction. I was sort if like a bull in a china shop with the news.
It sounds harsh, but again, it was an act of self preservation. I could not bear to think that she wouldn't say ANYTHING like when i was upset in the past.
I was afraid I would hear nothing but silence on the other end of the phone. Afraid that my world would crumble knowing that again she isn't able to say anything to soothe me.
I was pleasantly surprised. She said a few things as I was rambling along with my story, my feelings, my doctors, my plan, my heartache, my wishes to keep it all quiet. She said she was sorry. She was interested in what I was doing medically.
I felt fine when we ended the conversation. I wasn't heartbroken.
We haven't spoken about any of it since. That is our relationship. It is all unspoken.
And my husband wonders why I have a hard time expressing emotions.
Rainbows: I got it over with. I wasn't heartbroken. My relationship with my mom hasn't changed a bit.
Rainshowers: I have a nagging feeling that my mom's feelings were hurt though she would never say so. I am paranoid I hurt her BECAUSE she would never say so.