Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I'm scared of Clomid Rage

I'm not on Clomid yet. I just finished up estradiol and medroxyprogesterone and it was enough to make me fearful of Clomid and the rage that can come on as a result.

I don't react well to hormones. It was one of the reasons I never took oral birth control despite trying three times over the years with no success. My body and mind HATE it.

I am an irritable mess these days. I am easily agitated and I DO mean easily agitated.

My poor husband does get the brunt of it. In the beginning, about two weeks ago, we were able to laugh it off and joke about it. Now? Well, his ability to joke about it is almost gone and he is beginning to fray at the edges with my mini meltdowns.

Last night was rough. I logically knew that I shouldn't get upset about the minor annoyances but somehow I'm not able to control myself. As I was saying the absurd comments & airing my frustration, that had nothing to do with my husband mind you, I immediately followed them up with 'I'm sorry' and 'just don't respond to me even if I'm talking to you'.

I sincerely hope my new cycle begins soon. I'm not sure if I can tolerate myself for much longer.

Rainshower: I know it will only get worse from here if 'Clomid Rage' happens to be one of my side effects.

Rainbow: My husband is holding his own with my mini meltdowns. Bless his heart. I am hopeful that I'll be onto the next cycle soon and that these side effects can be better managed with the thought of a possible BFP at the end of it all. In the meanwhile, just stay away from me.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Waiting for CD1

I'm waiting on CD1. Waiting for my period to start.

Other than there is not that much to talk about. I'm in a good place right now. I've recovered from surgery and am anxiously waiting to TTC again.

This is the most exciting time period for me. I'm not stuck in the TWW ups and downs yet and am optimistic.

It is amazing how far I have come, emotionally, in the last 6 months or so.

I don't have much to say these days which is a GOOD thing. I've always been inspired to write when I was conflicted or worried or in turmoil. I know that us about to change with the soon to return TTC but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

This blog has helped my greatly and will continue to be a reminder of how far I have come.

Rainbow: I am as happy with life, in general, as I have been in quite sometime
Rainshower: I know that all of this can change as soon as I start taking Clomid and have the potential to become a hormonal mess. (Sigh)

Monday, February 11, 2013

I am unprepared to be let down again

I have optimism right now. It's a great feeling, really.

I am optimistic that I'll get pregnant soon and that this one will be 'it' - the one that will stick, the one that will be our take-home baby.

I'm excited to start trying again soon with a new plan of action, new medications and a new doctor watching over me.

I was so optimistic, in fact, that I purchase a crib last week.... There I said it. I did it. I bought the cutest crib because it was ON SALE and I just couldn't pass it up. It is exactly what I wanted-what I dreamed about getting. So in my recent confidence I decided I should buy it. It was a sign I told my optimistic self.

Let me back track. I don't buy baby stuff. I haven't in the past. I'm in the 'it will jinx us' camp. I know plenty of people buy things and it makes them feel great but I'm in the other category.

Well, I broke my own 'rule'. And I broke it in a BIG way with this crib. It's not like its a little onesie I can tuck away.

The very second I clicked 'submit' to purchase the crib I was filled with anxiety.

What have I done?
What if we don't ever get a baby (via birth or adoption) and now I have this crib to deal with.

Is the sight of this crib going to destroy me for years to come?

Unfortunately the anxiety has stayed with me.

I emailed my husband and told him that he needed to make room in the basement for my impulse purchase-you know because it can't go in that empty guest room/future nursery in the house because it will jinx us. He is the greatest... He was able to laugh it off and suggest that I purchased it as a way to get him to clean the neglected basement. Love him.

Also unfortunate is the fact that I think I'm now dealing with some side effects of my estradiol medication... I'm feeling more emotional and irritable than I should right now. Or is this the result of purchasing that darn crib?!

I think my body is confused. I should be getting ready to start my period but am artificially extending this cycle with the medication I'm on. I'm convinced I'll feel this way until I get my next period which could be anywhere from Feb 25 to March 11. Ugh. That's a long time to deal with PMS. Especially these extreme emotions.

How did I know this extended PMS began? My husband innocently asked for a neck/shoulder rub before getting out of bed. Innocent, right? I was so bothered by his innocent request and his innocent 'a little lower' comments, I had to cut his massage short and dart from the room before laying into his innocent, sleepy back. I knew right then that things were going to get rough.

Here we are back in the roller coaster.

Optimistic, yes. Anxious, even more so.

This begs the question: what if I don't get pregnant in the next couple of months?

Even worse, I haven't even given a thought to the next pregnancy working out.

I just KNOW that if I have another miscarriage I will crumble. It will be just as bad, if not worse than my second miscarriage.

I am unprepared for that possibility.

Rain shower: I know I'm steps ahead of myself here with a crib purchase and what if I have another miscarriage. I'm not even pregnant yet. But I just can't help myself. I've been stuck in neutral for so long that I have to think ahead or I'll get stuck in my own self pity.

Rainbow: I am optimistic. That's a good thing. It's a natural feeling. I've come a long way and will allow myself to be optimistic. I've earned it.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

True Strength

A friend posted a quote recently and it made me stop in my tracks. It is exactly what I was going to communicate in a previous post but couldn't find the words and abandoned the thought. Well here are the words I was looking for:

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength"

The only problem with this is that I HAVE managed to hold it together through three recurrent miscarriages but very few people even know it. I betcha that those people that will eventually find out about all of the miscarriages will be floored to know that I have endured so much and done so privately.

In the meantime I will remember this quote to get me through:

"Take PRIDE in how far you have come and have FAITH in how far you can go"

Rainshower: No one knows the strength I have had in the last 18 months. My strength has pulled me through plenty of dark, emotional and painful days.

Rainbow: No one can hurt my feelings by being less-than-gentle with me in regards to my miscarriages. Words are powerful. I'm terrified of people's ill chosen words.

Monday, February 4, 2013

To try or not to try? -WHEN is the real question!

We are gearing up start trying again. The big question is 'when?'

I'm waiting to get my cycle back with the encouragement of meds. Fingers crossed it is in late February and NOT in early March.

Timing is everything. When will CD 1 be?

I am consumed with all things 'when':

WHEN will my cycle come back?

WHEN will the provera work? -in a matters of days or will it be weeks?

WHEN will I be able to start Clomid (my first ever medicated cycle)?

WHEN will my Clomid stimulated egg(s) be at least 18mm in order to trigger?

WHEN will Clomid produce side effects? -the whole cycle or just the medicated days?

These 'when' questions are all-consuming because me and my husband will be traveling in March. Will this interfere with TTCing?

WHEN my cycle starts and how my body responds are all very important factors in determining if we will be sitting out this cycle or not. It has a lot to do with the fact that we have to be monitored via ultrasound which is especially important because it is my first go-round on Clomid.

It stinks.

I wish I had a Crystal Ball so I just knew when CD 1 will be so I can plan/discuss and decide.

Rainshower: Having to wait even longer to get started is disheartening especially since we have been at this since June, 2011.

Rainbow: The possibility of having to wait only one more cycle to start trying is a nice problem to have considering the alternative.