Friday, July 26, 2013

Today is the Day to Worry about my Cysts

As much as I've tried to remain optimistic that these cysts will resolve themselves before my ultrasound around August 4 I cannot seem to shake the worry that they will require more time to go away, a medication to help or even worse,another surgery.  

I have had 'twinges' all moth long here and there on both sides.  Yesterday I had quite a few twinges on the right side which has made me worry that the cyst is growing and not reducing.

Of course if this were any other cycle I would take these twinges as an optimistic sign of pregnancy but not this time.  This time I am worried.

I am thankful that today is Friday and that I can busy myself all weekend with things that keep my mind off of my cysts, the two-week-wait and my husbands upcoming SA.

Monday I will be 12 DPO and I plan on holding off testing until then.  Fingers crossed I have the will power.

Monday, July 22, 2013

I'm optimistic. I'm 5 DPO.

After having a pity party for a few days (or more) I got over myself and my fatalistic thoughts and just moved on.

I scheduled my husbands' next SA and just tried to push my negative thoughts from my mind.

I didn't use OPKs like an addict this month.  I did continue to chart my BBT, however.  I wanted to see if my cysts would inhibit ovulation this month.  They did not.  

We tried once this month. Just like all of the other three times we actually got pregnant.  

The first two times we got pregnant it was without testing and charting and all of that.  You know, fun and spontaneous.  Well, that's what we did this month too.  We had fun.  It wasn't stressful.  I only did an OPK after because I felt ovulation approaching.  It was positive.  And for me, positive usually means that it is ovulation day.  No advanced warning with OPKs here.

I think that the carefree attitude I had going into ovulation is helping me keep it together in the two week wait (for now at least).  Admittedly I did wonder, and google, if having these cysts will inhibit implantation but didn't come up with much.  Which is good.  I didn't fall into the wormhole of google searches that lead to doubt and worry.  

I think what is also helping me keep it together is that I am taking progesterone supplements.  In my mind taking those will help counteract any potential problems the cysts may cause during implantation.  Whether this is true or not is of no concern to me.  It is making me feel confident and that is a good thing.

Now back to these cysts.  I have been feeling twinges on both sides intermittently both before and after ovulation, but more so before.  The same sort of twinges I had while in Clomid.  I am hopeful that the twinges are a good thing and that they are resolving themselves and NOT getting bigger.  Bigger is no bueno.

Bigger cysts are not welcome. A positive pregnancy test however is warming welcome.

Rainbow:  I am keeping it together quite nicely right now.  I just want to make it through the week.  Bring on Friday!

Rainshower: These cysts do occasionally have me a little worried.  But thankfully it is only occasionally.  

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Pity Party for One

My mood is much different than it was the last time I wrote.

There has been some unexpected news. Not the greatest but still not the worst news either.

I have two cysts (as a result of Clomid and/or HCG shots) and the husbands' SA was out of whack too.  So a triggered IUI is out of the question due to the cysts.  Had the husbands' SA not been out of whack we may have gone ahead with the IUI just trying to time it right with OPKs.  Instead insurance requires another sample so an IUI will not be approved. Boo.

This is all unfortunate news.  Disappointing news.  It is the type of disappointment that only someone with a strong yearning to become pregnant can understand.  The understanding that this cycle will be another missed cycle.  Another delay.  One more month without a baby.  It is crushing.

We can try on our own. Yes. But.  I have a feeling of defeat that I am not sure will be helpful this time around.  The same feeling I had on my third Clomid cycle.  The feeling that it just won't work.

However disappointed I am I am also not too worried about my two cysts and especially not the SA results.

The cysts are 38 mm and 13 mm.  They are expected to resolve themselves.  Fingers crossed that they are gone at my next CD3 ultrasound.

The SA wasn't good but may be explained by the fact that it was collected at home and transported to the lab.  The next sample will be collected at the office.  

I am not concerned about the results especially because we have been able to get pregnant three times rather easily.

I guess my heartache has more to do with the fact that all of this bad news was  received on the same day in the same cycle.  If I took each of these disappointments and spread them throughout two cycles it would be a much different emotion I am sure.

Then there are the what if's that I cannot help but think about.  What if the cysts aren't gone next month? Another month delay.  What if they require medical intervention? Two month delay.  What if SA #2 is again underwhelming?  Another delay.  Which will come from husband having to see a urologist. Boo.

This just stinks.

I'm STILL no closer to being pregnant.

Add the fact that baby #1 would be 1 1/2 years old, baby #2 would just be turning 1 and baby #3 would be 6 months and this makes me that much worse off.  

This month is the one year anniversary of my last miscarriage.  I have been floundering for the past year, not for a second thinking that I wouldn't be pregnant by now, at least.  There are friends of mine that have had two children in the two-year span I have been struggling with all of this loss, disappointment, fear and anger.

It's obviously not a good time for me.  I am full of self pity these days.  I'm just twiddling my thumbs over here as I have been for the past year.  Waiting to get pregnant.

These cysts had better go away this month or I will be livid.  I curse Clomid.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

It's my favorite time of the month

It's cycle day one!

No, seriously.  This really IS my favorite time of the month.  It is a fresh start. A new day.  New hope.  Excitement.  Oh the possibilities.

It's the least stressful I will be all month.

The roller coaster ride is about to start again.

I have to say that I am VERY optimistic about this cycle.  So much so that I fear that if I don't get pregnant after this first IUI I will be devastated.  

But never mind that talk.  Today is Cycle Day 1 and it is a GREAT day.

Rainbow:      I'm hopeful, optimistic and stress free.
Rainshower:  I may just be the ONLY TTCer that actually likes CD1.  Feel free and call me a nut.