Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Pity Party for One

My mood is much different than it was the last time I wrote.

There has been some unexpected news. Not the greatest but still not the worst news either.

I have two cysts (as a result of Clomid and/or HCG shots) and the husbands' SA was out of whack too.  So a triggered IUI is out of the question due to the cysts.  Had the husbands' SA not been out of whack we may have gone ahead with the IUI just trying to time it right with OPKs.  Instead insurance requires another sample so an IUI will not be approved. Boo.

This is all unfortunate news.  Disappointing news.  It is the type of disappointment that only someone with a strong yearning to become pregnant can understand.  The understanding that this cycle will be another missed cycle.  Another delay.  One more month without a baby.  It is crushing.

We can try on our own. Yes. But.  I have a feeling of defeat that I am not sure will be helpful this time around.  The same feeling I had on my third Clomid cycle.  The feeling that it just won't work.

However disappointed I am I am also not too worried about my two cysts and especially not the SA results.

The cysts are 38 mm and 13 mm.  They are expected to resolve themselves.  Fingers crossed that they are gone at my next CD3 ultrasound.

The SA wasn't good but may be explained by the fact that it was collected at home and transported to the lab.  The next sample will be collected at the office.  

I am not concerned about the results especially because we have been able to get pregnant three times rather easily.

I guess my heartache has more to do with the fact that all of this bad news was  received on the same day in the same cycle.  If I took each of these disappointments and spread them throughout two cycles it would be a much different emotion I am sure.

Then there are the what if's that I cannot help but think about.  What if the cysts aren't gone next month? Another month delay.  What if they require medical intervention? Two month delay.  What if SA #2 is again underwhelming?  Another delay.  Which will come from husband having to see a urologist. Boo.

This just stinks.

I'm STILL no closer to being pregnant.

Add the fact that baby #1 would be 1 1/2 years old, baby #2 would just be turning 1 and baby #3 would be 6 months and this makes me that much worse off.  

This month is the one year anniversary of my last miscarriage.  I have been floundering for the past year, not for a second thinking that I wouldn't be pregnant by now, at least.  There are friends of mine that have had two children in the two-year span I have been struggling with all of this loss, disappointment, fear and anger.

It's obviously not a good time for me.  I am full of self pity these days.  I'm just twiddling my thumbs over here as I have been for the past year.  Waiting to get pregnant.

These cysts had better go away this month or I will be livid.  I curse Clomid.

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