Thursday, June 16, 2016

She is here

I'd like to offer my sincerest apologies for letting this blog go without updates for so long.  It has always bugged me when other people became pregnant and then stopped updating their infertility blog and now I've become that person.  The only excuse I have had is that I have been busy... Me and everyone else, right?  I'm sorry.

We have been overwhelmed with love for our sweet baby girl.  She arrived one day late and was a larger than expected bundle of perfection.

Words cannot express that gratitude I have to be a mother with a baby to hold. Not a day goes by where I don't realize how fortunate we are.  I am forever grateful to the medical team (or village) that helped us hold her in our arms.  

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

A long overdue update (28 weeks pregnant)

Sometimes I still cannot believe it - we are pregnant, very pregnant now.  Without this bump of mine I might not believe it.  I have had the easiest pregnancy in regards to side effects.  I could easily see myself becoming a little baby making machine if other factors wouldn't making getting and staying pregnant a challenge.  Heck, I might even have offered to be a surrogate for someone - I honestly feel that great.

All of this can change of course.  I'm still only 28 weeks and have quite a way to go before baby girl arrives. But, wow, am I thankful.

I just had my out of state baby shower this past weekend and another ultrasound today so it has been an excited my, yet emotional time.  My shower brough unexpected emotions and many tears. As I was in the middle of opening gifts it finally occurred to me that this was MY shower, I wasn't attending as a guest.  It became quite overwhelming to me and then I began opening handmade items that really just made me melt.  I am beyond grateful to be having this little girl and for all of the love and well wishes that have followed us in our pregnancy.  It truly feels like a village of supporters have willed this pregnancy to progress.

In the time I have been away from this blog I have ramped up my 'nesting' and prepping for baby.  I am doing my best to get the physical portion of my to do list completed before the third trimester starts and my energy level drops.  I'm a nursery-completing, basement-cleaning machine these days.  

Check out this baby foot from today.  That is one BIG, big toe... She has her fathers feet.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Still here & thankfully still pregnant

The I think my 'in denial' phase might finally be coming to an end.  It seems as though I haven't believed that I am pregnant since the beginning.  Having ZERO symptoms does NOT help dispel the denial either.  

Swollen breasts - no. 
Breast tenderness - no. 
Nausea - no.  
Fatigue - no.  
Mood swings - nothing uncharacteristic ;)
Food aversions - no.  
Weight gain at 13 weeks - none.  I'm still comfortably fitting into all of my normal clothes.  No concealing required.

See what I mean?  It's easy to be in denial when you feel 100% normal 95% of the time.

The only symptoms I have are:  
Increased urination - yes.  
Tiredness at the end of the day - occasionally.  
Breathlessness - when climbing stairs.  

All of these things can be explained away by saying "I drank a lot of water today when I was busy at work on a hectic day that physically drained me.  No wonder I was out of breath, I climbed a ton of stairs today and that alone can be physically draining."

Today I am 13 weeks, 1 day.  Here is an ultrasound from 12 weeks.  

This is from the Nuchal Translucency ultrasound.  We also had a blood test to look for serious chromosomal abnormalities.  That test came back 'normal' so that is reassuring.  It's amazing how much babies develop between 10 weeks and 12 weeks though.  It was fun seeing baby wiggle around so much at 12 weeks.

I've had two IVIG infusions since becoming pregnant.  Fortunately, I received news that I do NOT need a third infusion at this time but my doctor will continue to monitor my natural killer levels monthly and prescribe an infusion if my immune system overreacts to the pregnancy again.  Fingers crossed that it doesn't so I can pretend like I am a normal pregnant lady (with virtually NO symptoms.)

More good news, today is the last day of blood thinning injections.  This was only prescribed for the first trimester so no more needles!  Yippee.

My next OB appointment will be at the end of next week when I will be 14 weeks, 3 days.  It will be nice to find the heartbeat with a Doppler this time.  Reassurance is always nice but I haven't felt paralyzed with fear and concern without it either.  I'm oddly calm about this pregnancy even if I was in denial at the same time.

Is this real life?  Is this my life?  It is all becoming a blur.  We just may have a shot at a take home baby here.  It's all so surreal.

Saturday, September 5, 2015


We saw a HEARTBEAT!  

We are estatic!  We have never made it this far.  We even got a photo of our little blobby.

We went into our ultrasound and were very pleased to see my normal ultrasound tech from all of my infertility treatments.  I hadn't seen her in about 5 months and was hoping to see her before we 'graduated' from the infertility clinic.  I was grinning ear-to-ear when she came to get me and bring me back.  Pretty early on in meeting her we discovered we were neighbors (she has since moved).  While it was a bit of a shock at first, it became something we would always talk about during my scans.

We were able to see the baby and the heartbeat with the abdominal ultrasound which was instantly reassuring.  I did shed a single tear as soon as she told me  that the flicker was the heartbeat.  Little blobby had a heart rate of 140 and was measuring 7 weeks 2 days (I was 7 weeks 3 days at the time) so all is well.

It is all so surreal.  I really cannot believe it.  I am pregnant.  Truly surreal.  Even though I've seen the proof it is STILL hard to believe since I'm feeling so great these days (aside from, TMI warning, really bad constipation).

We decided to tell parents now that we've seen a heartbeat.  (They live 800 miles away).  We told my in-laws on Thursday, the same day as the ultrasound.  It was so nice to be able to bring them good news.  They've had a string of bad luck lately and to quote my father-in-law, "this is the best news of the year."  It was especially adorable coming from him since he is a man of few words.   

My husband convinced his parents that he desperately needed to talk to his dad about an urgent computer issue (my husband helps them with their computers remotely).   We got his dad on the phone and then texted his mom a picture of the ultrasound that she opened with his dad. It really worked out perfectly.  My mother-in-law instantly started choking up.  It was a wonderful moment to share.

My parents are next.  We are so thankful. Even though we know it is still early days we are happy to share these happy times with our immediate family.

I guess I will soon need to realize that this is real and that I might actually have a baby to hold in mid April.  Fingers crossed.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

These are good problems to have...

It's been a busy couple of weeks.  I've spent a considerable amount of time on the phone with my RI office and considerable time in the chair at many locals labs getting blood work.  My arms are quite bruised unfortunately.  There have been day when I have been pricked THREE time in ONE day.  It's been a little hectic and inconvenient but these are good problems to have!

"These a good problems to have" - my current mantra.

As you may know my husband has a needle phobia.  He loathes it.  He has been known to faint in the past while getting blood work and immunization.  He fainted also a week ago.  These are good problems to have.

By Tuesday of last week I want to say that I was 'stupid happy.'  Beyond happy to have made it this far with HCG results coming in so nicely.

Then I received word from my RI office about my Immunology Panel.  To quote the nurse, "they are pretty OK."  Basically, my natural killer cells are slightly activated and my LADs are somewhat low.  Recommendation: IVIG.  A solution.  While this was stressful and less than ideal these are still good problems to have.  I am pregnant.  We have a shot.

I did another HCG draw after hearing the IVIG news and was reassured by the increase.   It is still right on track for where I am.  Then I did the IVIG a couple of days ago.  I was again reassured to not have to wait through the weekend.

I was happy.  Stupid, happy yesterday.

Then today I had some light brown spotting.  Suddenly I was filled with anxiety.  The timing was unsettling since today I am 5 weeks 6 days pregnant.  This is the farthest I have ever gotten, tomorrow I will have broken my previous record.  It was very, very unsettling.  I talked to my husband about it which I didn't intend on doing until he started to get on my case about being winded after climbing the parking garage stairs (in my defense it is extremely humid here today).  I told him to stop picking on me since I was a little stressed.  I know spotting is common but given our past history of loss, blood is never something that I can just shake off.  I commented about how I wished I could go back to being that naive, excited and happy person I was in my first pregnancy.  It seems as though as soon as I get a little bit of confidence something comes along that shakes it.  These are good problems to have.  I am pregnant.

The spotting was an isolated occurance.  It could have been a little irritation from the Crinone I am taking.  I could have been something else.  Who knows.  It is gone and that is all I care about.  It did, however, freak me out and remind me that I am far from out to the woods.  7 more weeks until the 2nd trimester.  Hopefully we get there and that will give me some piece of mind.  We can only hope but again, these are good problems to have.

Friday, August 14, 2015

I'm 17 DPO & my HCG is 334

Is this real?  My beta more than double again?  Really?  That is fantastic.

So I took the call from a new-to-me nurse at my RE's office.  She called me around 11:30am today on my day off.  She told me my beta was 334 - yippee!   Then she told me we wouldn't be doing any more betas - sudden panic!  It was a strange to go from sheer joy to sheer panic.  I was so excited about the news of my good beta that I just accepted the news about the continued betas (I have my reproductive immunologist that can order those tests if I/they want them).  She told me that my first ultrasound will be on September 3.  All I could think was "Oh. My. God.  That is SO far away."

On September 3, I will be 7 weeks, 2 days.  You see, I've never made it to 7 weeks.  Not even close.  I think my longest lasting pregnancy was 5 weeks 6 days.  September 3 seems so far away.  Ugh.

Speaking of my Reproductive Immunologist, at the Alan E. Beer Center...  Their office has been a dream to work with.  They have always been so helpful and understanding and they continue to be.  It is wonderful to call and email them and get almost immediate answers.  Plus when I email and then call they don't scold me for not being patient.  They understand that their patients could be 10 minutes away from a full scale meltdown.  The nurse have truly been a sanity-saver.  If I didn't have my RI to fall back on I would still be in the same panic I was in after hearing the "no more betas" news.  My RE's office just doesn't get it.  I do not fit in the typical box.  I am not your typical infertility patient.  Yes, it has been quite awhile since my last miscarriage but I'm still not their average patient. [end of rant]  Don't get me wrong - the RE office nurses are nice, they are knowledgeable.  I just feel like they don't understand my anxiety about a loss.  Thank goodness for the Alan E. Beer Center.

My sweet husband.  I sent him a text with the good news but could help but tell him that I was freaking out a bit.  His response was adorable and reassuring (me: blue  him: grey)

Where are we now?  Well, I'm allowing myself to enjoy today.  Today, I am pregnant.  Today, I found out that I have had three betas that more than doubled every time.  Today, there is no wondering - I am pregnant.  Holy Moly.   Today is a great day.  I hope it continues.

Here is my HPT progression from 12 DPO to 17 DPO.  I'm going to keep testing for piece of mind but mostly with Internet Cheapies (I'm not buying anymore FRERs). I want to see these lines get darker and certainly NOT lighten.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Still Seeking a Blazing Positive - Why?

Call me crazy but I really need to see this line darken everyday.  I may not be as dark as if like it to be but at least it is getting darker.  These darkening tests, and regular betas, are what are keeping me calm right now.  

I'm surprisingly calm these days.  Maybe it's because I know that it is out of my control?  Maybe it is because it had been THREE LONG YEARS since I've been pregnant so I'm not obsessing about a possible miscarriage?  Maybe it's because I have a plethora of Doctors all weighing in?  Maybe it's because I have been doing so many different things lately that it feels like my actions are sustaining this pregnancy (read: Lovenox, twice daily)  Who knows.  At least I'm calm.  Maybe I don't need to know why.  

I hope I can continue to be this calm.  It would be such a wonderful change of pace.  A very welcome change.