Monday, February 11, 2013

I am unprepared to be let down again

I have optimism right now. It's a great feeling, really.

I am optimistic that I'll get pregnant soon and that this one will be 'it' - the one that will stick, the one that will be our take-home baby.

I'm excited to start trying again soon with a new plan of action, new medications and a new doctor watching over me.

I was so optimistic, in fact, that I purchase a crib last week.... There I said it. I did it. I bought the cutest crib because it was ON SALE and I just couldn't pass it up. It is exactly what I wanted-what I dreamed about getting. So in my recent confidence I decided I should buy it. It was a sign I told my optimistic self.

Let me back track. I don't buy baby stuff. I haven't in the past. I'm in the 'it will jinx us' camp. I know plenty of people buy things and it makes them feel great but I'm in the other category.

Well, I broke my own 'rule'. And I broke it in a BIG way with this crib. It's not like its a little onesie I can tuck away.

The very second I clicked 'submit' to purchase the crib I was filled with anxiety.

What have I done?
What if we don't ever get a baby (via birth or adoption) and now I have this crib to deal with.

Is the sight of this crib going to destroy me for years to come?

Unfortunately the anxiety has stayed with me.

I emailed my husband and told him that he needed to make room in the basement for my impulse purchase-you know because it can't go in that empty guest room/future nursery in the house because it will jinx us. He is the greatest... He was able to laugh it off and suggest that I purchased it as a way to get him to clean the neglected basement. Love him.

Also unfortunate is the fact that I think I'm now dealing with some side effects of my estradiol medication... I'm feeling more emotional and irritable than I should right now. Or is this the result of purchasing that darn crib?!

I think my body is confused. I should be getting ready to start my period but am artificially extending this cycle with the medication I'm on. I'm convinced I'll feel this way until I get my next period which could be anywhere from Feb 25 to March 11. Ugh. That's a long time to deal with PMS. Especially these extreme emotions.

How did I know this extended PMS began? My husband innocently asked for a neck/shoulder rub before getting out of bed. Innocent, right? I was so bothered by his innocent request and his innocent 'a little lower' comments, I had to cut his massage short and dart from the room before laying into his innocent, sleepy back. I knew right then that things were going to get rough.

Here we are back in the roller coaster.

Optimistic, yes. Anxious, even more so.

This begs the question: what if I don't get pregnant in the next couple of months?

Even worse, I haven't even given a thought to the next pregnancy working out.

I just KNOW that if I have another miscarriage I will crumble. It will be just as bad, if not worse than my second miscarriage.

I am unprepared for that possibility.

Rain shower: I know I'm steps ahead of myself here with a crib purchase and what if I have another miscarriage. I'm not even pregnant yet. But I just can't help myself. I've been stuck in neutral for so long that I have to think ahead or I'll get stuck in my own self pity.

Rainbow: I am optimistic. That's a good thing. It's a natural feeling. I've come a long way and will allow myself to be optimistic. I've earned it.

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