Sunday, May 19, 2013

Clomid - NEVER Again

Never again will I be putting myself through this emotional train wreck that is Clomid.  I have had enough.  I've had enough of ALL of the hormones that I have been on for the last 5 months.  I have become a monster this cycle.  A Monster.

I also haven't believed for one minute that this cycle may end up with a BFP at the end of this dreadful cycle.  I have been buried at work, working major overtime, so I could not express these feelings earlier.  I have been obsessed with my lack of Cervical Mucus while on Clomid.  Without it I just don't have a good feeling about these cycles.  The first month of Clomid, fresh off surgery and a estadriol and provera hormone cocktail, I ovulated on CD10 or CD9 on my own before being monitored.  No CM in sight for that cycle - BFN.  Round Two of Clomid had me ovulate on CD12 the day after the trigger shot, no CM whatsoever - BFN.  This Cycle, Round Three, I am on par to ovulate today, CD11, and AGAIN I have no CM to speak off despite my efforts.

I have been taking 1200mg of the active ingredient in Mucinex since Tuesday.  Not successful for me.  I'm not sure if it is because I also have a cold right now and it isn't as effective as if I were well or not.  Regardless, I am not feeling great about our chances this time around.

Why am I feeling defeated already?  Well, the first two times we got pregnant I had an abundance of EWCM on ovulation day.  I am convinced that it was a major factor in our success those cycles.  It helps the sperm get to where it needs to go.  Yes, there is pre-seed, which we have been using, but it is just a substitute for the real thing and it 'wears off' sooner than natural EWCM. 

Before this cycle my husband and I decided that we would give Clomid a try this cycle and take the next cycle off.  We need a break.  Him for work, me for my sanity.  I am glad we have already made that decision.  I was never more in need of a break from these hormones.  I cannot stand myself any longer.  Hopelessness has begun to take over and that is not good.  I almost feel like giving up completely.  And that breaks my heart.

Rainbow: We are almost in the two week wait
Rainshower:  My mood and emotions this cycle are not helped by Mother's Day and another pregnancy announcement of a friend.  When is rains it pours.

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