Bare with me here: I want a new
job – I have tried for years to do just that with no luck. I also want to get pregnant and quit my
job. I don’t want
to get a new job, get pregnant right away, and then quit the new job so it
might be best to stay at my current job.
But my current job sucks – there is no satisfaction in my role, no room
for advancement and no recognition of my effort; it causes situational
depression. Then there is this whole
uncertainty of WHEN and IF I’ll have a healthy pregnancy, which brings me back
to the beginning of this paragraph.
My husband
wants me to just quit, no new job, no backup plan and no income because he
knows that it is adding to my misery.
It’s a scary thought but one I’m beginning to more and more wish was
possible. At the same time I am a very rational
person and know this isn’t an option yet (financially).
I’m a
planner. I have a Master Plan. Keep working, get out of debt, save money by
working through a pregnancy (or most of it at least), build up a savings to
supplement the loss of my income after a baby comes and cross my fingers that
husbands’ growing career will make up the difference by the
time the savings run out. Sounds great
on paper, doesn’t it? So quitting now
doesn’t sit well with me because it interferes with the master plan even if it
might be good for me right now.
The planner
in me thinks it sounds like my Master Plan is a perfect plan. Then reality sets in. There are always unexpected expenses. Being on a tight budget long term is quite
difficult especially for Mr. Big Spender. Then throw in all of this recurrent pregnancy
loss grief, uncertainty and anger and all of a sudden this plan of mine is just
ridiculous. I’m planning for a future
that is more uncertain than certain.
Another Catch 22, I guess.
Rainbow It could be worse. I’m thankful I have a supportive husband that
understands I am really struggling right now.
I’m thankful that he has suggested I quit. I really shows me how supportive he is.
Rainshower I just feel trapped in every way (at my job
and in this parenthood journey). It would be
nice to have an end in sight, a reason for the losses.
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