We don’t talk about it, why? I’ll tell you why I have chosen not to talk about it at this point. (Yes that is right, I have spoken about my heartache with almost no one, not even my mother, yet here I am writing my entire experience for you to read.) I chose not to talk about it because I do not believe that singular experiences, no matter how painful or profound, should define you in the eyes of friends, family, strangers and coworkers. I don’t want the sympathetic faces staring at me. I don’t want to be pitied. I don’t want you to look at me any differently. I don’t even want to hear your story about that one miscarriage you had between your 3rd and 4th child. Lucky you – you can have children. I still don’t even know if it is possible for me. At this point I’ve had two back-to-back miscarriages. No one shares the same situation, not even the women that have suffered multiple or recurrent miscarriages like me.
The truth is - a miscarriage conversation is uncomfortable for everyone involved. No one knows what to say or do and no one wants to upset anyone else. The most compelling reason for me not to speak about my miscarriage is that I am terrified that someone I confide in will break my heart by unknowingly saying the wrong thing and I just cannot bear to lose any more than I already have.
I want you to believe that there are rainbows and unicorns when it is your turn to have a baby. Statistically speaking it is true. I just happen to be on the other side of the statistic. Repeatedly. That is hard for me.
It is especially hard for me to talk about. So I write. So I hope that I can be an inspiration to someone. So I read blogs. So I joined a multiple miscarriage forum online. So I continue to push ahead. So I continue to dream. So I continue to be reassured by the stories I hear from other women out there like me. So I move forward the best way I know how. So I hope that someday I will be a success story. I hope for my rainbow baby so I can fill the nursery with rainbows and unicorns.
Rainshower: Miscarriages are emotionally wrenching.
Rainbow: After a miscarriage you really appreciate the miracle of life.