Saturday, July 28, 2012

The Silent Misery of Miscarriage

We don’t talk about it, why?  I’ll tell you why I have chosen not to talk about it at this point.  (Yes that is right, I have spoken about my heartache with almost no one, not even my mother, yet here I am writing my entire experience for you to read.)  I chose not to talk about it because I do not believe that singular experiences, no matter how painful or profound, should define you in the eyes of friends, family, strangers and coworkers.  I don’t want the sympathetic faces staring at me.  I don’t want to be pitied.  I don’t want you to look at me any differently.  I don’t even want to hear your story about that one miscarriage you had between your 3rd and 4th child.  Lucky you – you can have children.  I still don’t even know if it is possible for me.  At this point I’ve had two back-to-back miscarriages.  No one shares the same situation, not even the women that have suffered multiple or recurrent miscarriages like me

The truth is - a miscarriage conversation is uncomfortable for everyone involved.  No one knows what to say or do and no one wants to upset anyone else.  The most compelling reason for me not to speak about my miscarriage is that I am terrified that someone I confide in will break my heart by unknowingly saying the wrong thing and I just cannot bear to lose any more than I already have.

I want you to believe that there are rainbows and unicorns when it is your turn to have a baby.  Statistically speaking it is true.  I just happen to be on the other side of the statistic.  Repeatedly.  That is hard for me. 

It is especially hard for me to talk about.  So I write.  So I hope that I can be an inspiration to someone.  So I read blogs.  So I joined a multiple miscarriage forum online.  So I continue to push ahead.  So I continue to dream.  So I continue to be reassured by the stories I hear from other women out there like me.  So I move forward the best way I know how.  So I hope that someday I will be a success story.  I hope for my rainbow baby so I can fill the nursery with rainbows and unicorns.

Rainshower:      Miscarriages are emotionally wrenching.
Rainbow:          After a miscarriage you really appreciate the miracle of life.


  1. We all do what's best for us and I wouldn't change your approach since it's clearly working for oyu, but I have found that talking about my four consecutive miscarriages with people (I've been open as the last one kinda put a few cracks in my sanity as I was in my 2nd trimester so had already told the world, and had a really hard time dealing with that last loss). I've found great support as a result, and been able to give it to women just starting out with infertility/miscarriage. Find support where you are able, and I hope you will find peace in your journey, whatever that will mean for you.

  2. Visiting from the Creme. I'm so sorry about your losses. I'm also sorry that you aren't able to talk about it with people in real life, but I do understand to a certain degree. Following my miscarriage, I could not talk to my mother-n-law for over a week. I also avoided talking to my sister. I was having a hard enough time dealing with my own grief, let alone dealing with their's on top of that. I am glad you have found an outlet in your writing. I really really hope you do end up with your rainbow baby!

  3. Thanks so much for your honesty. I am sorry that the people in your life haven't helped you feel safe enough to talk about your losses with them, but I'm glad you can find comfort in writing and sharing your story with the online community. I have had two miscarriages - one very early and one at 19 weeks. I am sort of on the opposite end of the spectrum in that I tend to over-share. I have heard my fair share of insensitive comments; that's for sure. It's important to protect your heart. I hope you find someone you can confide in soon.

  4. Thank you all for your comments and concern. I just want to take a moment to let you know that there are now a few people that know my history and that I can talk to when I need to (including my mom and mother-in-law).

    Thanks for visiting my blog - this community is full of inspiring, honest people that open my eyes in so many ways.