I never had a good feeling about this cycle. I tried to be positive. It wasn't like I was being negative either. It was more of an indifference, I guess.
I have had this nagging feeling, since August, when I thought I was going to lose my tubes. A nagging feeling that eventually we would be doing IVF.
Ever since August I have be preparing myself for this possibility. I have looked ahead on the calendar and figured out the 'worst case scenario' about how long it would take me to get to IVF. "Worst Case" meaning that first I would have to do three medicated IUI's before insurance will allow us to go ahead with IVF. "Worst Case" meaning how much more of this I will have to endure before moving ahead with something more aggressive and with better odds of pregnancy and ultimately a take home baby. "Worse Case" meaning how many cycles I would have to sit out due to cysts.
I see this as a great opportunity. A way to have a crystal ball going into a potential pregnancy. The crystal ball being PGS. I want to do IVF with PGS, at minimum. I want my blastocysts genetically tested before they are put back in me. I want the assurance that our little embies are chromosomally normal. That reassurance going into a possible pregnancy is something that I believe will be very reassuring to me in the beginning from seeing a BFP to seeing a heartbeat.
Seeing a heartbeat. What a great thing that would be. I'd love to get there. I'd love to work on all of these pregnancy projects I have been cooking up for the last 3 years.
I'd love to be able to be proud of that crib in my basement rather than embarrassed by my confidence in purchasing it a year ago. I'd love to see that crib set up in the future nursery. I'd love to see "the ironing room" transformed in a "nursery".
While we may not be pregnant now, we are in a good place. We are excited about moving ahead with IVF. We have an appointment next week with my RE to discuss things. I am sure she will say IVF. What I am not sure of is the timeline, any needed pre-testing, the protocol and her recommendations for us and our situation (ICSI/PGS/Frozen vs. Fresh Transfer).
I am preparing my questions and am looking forward to this visit next week.
Rainbow: We are moving onto IVF
Rainshower: IVF is invasive. IVF is a last resort. That is a scary thought - Last thought. Eeek. That's not how I am looking at it. Everything is going to be just fine. I have confidence. I can feel it. I have faith.
It was a BFN but we knew going into it that it only meant that IVF is around the bend