Reflecting on ANOTHER failed IVF Cycle

I've written about this before, here.

Unfortunately, I'm writing about it again because I am not pregnant.  I'm sad.  Sadder than last time.

This time we had fewer eggs than expected (empty follicles? what?!), of poorer quality at the 3 day transfer mark (6 cells vs. 8 cells), and nothing left over to freeze (booooo).  It feels like this IVF cycle was a complete bust even though I had high hopes going into it because it was our first cycle using our new immune protocol.  The immune protocol included:

• IVIG infusion. Three weeks before the Egg Retrieval
• Lovenox.  Beginning on the 1st day of stims and through the two week wait.  That's a LOT of shots.
• Baby Aspirin.  Beginning on CD1

My husband has taken this failure harder than me.  Until now he has been quite stoic about all of this and has remained very outwardly strong for my sake.  He's now at the point where he can no longer be stoic and that breaks my heart.  In my mind, he has started to consider that this may never work and that kills me.

The two of us have always approached all of our challenges very differently.  I'm more of a long term planner and worst case scenario person whereas he is the optimist that can only think ahead one step at a time.  While there is nothing wrong with our different survival techniques, it does make it difficult to talk about constructively.

He isn't ready to think about and discuss the "what if this doesn't work scenarios" whereas I would like to have the conversation so I can look ahead when my, always TTC preoccupied, mind is in a downward spiral.  Do you know what I mean?  Can you relate to that mentality?

As far as I am concerned we have four options:  1. Another IVF cycle (we have 4 more tries through insurance).  2. Surrogacy/gestational carrier (husband is "not a fan").  3. Adoption (I've changed my mind on this and husband isn't ready to discuss it aside from "this is a daunting process").  4.  Move on with life (live life without kid(s).  Not sure I'm up for that).

Because we have only given this immune protocol ONE try, under less than ideal circumstances, we feel like we need to give it another try.  I would like to do another fresh IVF cycle and try to add a few more controls in order to optimize our chances of success with the immune protocol.

Here is the new plan:

1. Fresh IVF cycle with whatever protocol my RE feels we should try next
2. FREEZE ALL embryos that make it to Day 5 (roll the dice and take our chances on them making it to freeze.  I do NOT want anymore Day 3 transfers.  I didn't want the last one and in a way this freeze all approach will ensure that my next transfer will not be a Day 3 either
3. Let my body recover after the Fresh IVF cycle (right now my TSH is spiked from the fertility meds - not ideal
4. IVIG infusion appropriately timed for an FET cycle
5. NATURAL FET cycle.  No estrogen, no trigger shot.  Just transfer the blast(s) 5 days after I have naturally ovulated
6. Transfer 5-Day Blast(s).  One or two depending on the recommendation of my Reproductive Immunologist.  I am asking their opinion this time too.

Unfortunately, my WTF/Follow Up appointment with my RE is not until July 16!!!!!  By then I will have been at least one week into my next cycle.  This means that it there will be a 2 month break between IVF cycles.  An IVF cycles are typically two months long so that's 4 whole months between IVF cycles.  That sucks for many reasons:  I'm not getting any younger (I'm 35, 36 in December), I'd like to move forward and be pregnant or not/adopt or not before another 4 long years go by.  Like seriously.  It took us a whole year from IVF #1 to IVF #2 and I just cannot keep doing this to myself indefinitely.  Like seriously. 

So this is what I'm going to propose to my RE office: 
Fine, I'll wait for my appt on July 16 but I want to start my next IVF cycle protocol, whatever that may be, BEFORE the freaking appointment.  Hopefully I am successful.  Fingers crossed.

On a side note/sad note, I had a terrible dream that I had my IVF follow up appointment and my RE cut me loose and was giving up on me.  She literally turned me away and said she wasn't going to help me anymore.  How awful would that be? (cry face)