Saturday, May 9, 2015

The Optimism Continues

It's been awhile since I've written.  Over the years this blog has changed.  Initially it was about expressing my emotions while on this baby quest.  At some point it switched to more note taking.  In the last year or so, I've been using this blog as a way to capture details of my cycles which admittedly come in handy when needing to provide specifics (and a timeline) to medical professionals.  This was never my intention, but at the same time I cannot see myself pouring my heart out here like I have in the past.  Especially in a meaningful way.

I suppose that since last year, after a failed fresh IVF and a failed frozen egg transfer, I have been slowly coming to terms with the fact that we may never have a child.  Last summer I was a wreck about it when beginning to come to terms with that possibility.  Now, though, I am more at peace with whatever happens.

However, since seeking out an RI, finding gene mutations and uterus challenges, I have continued to be optimistic.

I'm optimistic that this treatment plan will help us.  It's a strange sort of optimism with a side of worry.  For the first time in a very long time I am more worried about miscarrying than conceiving.  It's a tough feeling to accurately describe.  I am so optimistic that I'll get pregnant but also that I'll have something to lose again.

As difficult as these once buried emotions are, I welcome them.  Ugh.

Where are we now?  In the midst of IVF stimulation.  I did my IVIG infusion towards the end of April.

I started my stim medication yesterday - Gonal F.  I'm also taking Lovenox.  So far so good with the Lovenox.  I was quite scared to inject the Lovenox given the discomfort and bruising that many women experience.  I guess I'm lucky since it really hasn't been that bad.  Hopefully it stays that way.

On Wednesday, I go in for blood work and will go from there.  I'm expecting/guessing that my egg retrieval will be on May 20.  Eeeeek!  Yippee!  It's about time!!!!!!!

Oh yeah, I'm also doing a low carb/high protein diet to help improve egg quality....  I'm bathing my eggs in protein which is supposed to be good for them.  I suspect that my "poor egg quality" (as the doctors put it) in my first cycle (4 embryos from 17 eggs) may be because of the lack of protein in my diet.  Who knows though?  I guess if we have better results from this cycle the diet worked.

I cannot say that I am a fan of this type of eating but I've been doing my best to limit my carbs and increase my protein.  It's funny that I am doing this diet considering I've never modified my eating              habits for fertility before.  I honestly find this diet a HUGE challenge.  I'm not a big meat eater.  I've joked that I barely eat meat and now here I am eating meat at every meal.  It's tough.  It's also tough that I have completely cut out bread, potatoes and most sugar.  Did I mention that this is TOUGH.

Hopefully this diet gives us great results, if not, my misery will have been for nothing.  I have had digestive issues (stomach ulcers, IBS, lactose intolerance, etc.) for many years and this diet is not helping these issues in the least, nor is it causing me to lose any weight.  If anything, I've GAINED weight.  Blah!

If this diet works it will have all been worth it.  Even if it doesn't work it was worth a try.  Sacrifice is part of this process and part of being okay with the outcome - whatever it is.  It will be okay.  Everything will be okay.

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