Wednesday, May 27, 2015

The silver lining is gone

The silver lining I spoke of in my last post is gone.  Our other embryo didn't make it to freeze.  

Surprisingly, I am okay with that.  I guess it is because we will get to do another fresh IVF cycle sooner than later.  We get a do-over.

What I am not okay with is the thought that if that embryo didn't make it to freeze how are the embryos they transferred on Monday going to make it?  

Admittedly, I'm in a glass half full type of mindset right now but I wasn't this way all day.  I woke up feeling better about everything.  Maybe writing the blog post last night helped.  Maybe not.  Who knows?

I often wonder how far we will take this IVF stuff.  I think I've previously written that I couldn't envision too many more IVF cycles but now I am not so sure.  You could call me a flip-flopper.  Should I blame the seasons on that?  Doctors giving me hope?  Hormones?  All of the above?

How much trying is enough?  How do you decide that?  I thought I went through a sense of acceptance last summer but that was before working with the reproductive immunologist.  That was before we had a sort-of-diagnosis and something to go on.  NOW how do we decide when enough is enough?  It's like I am on another carousel ride, seeing the same scenery all over again.

Can we fast forward a few days and just get this over with?  Am I or aren't I?  If so, will I be able to keep it?  If not, can I survive another miscarriage?  Can I endure being childless?  Where do we go from here?

I'm always ahead of myself.  This two-week wait is just the worst.  Thankfully tomorrow is my "Friday" so I can keep myself busy and keep my mind off of the wait.  Ugh.  

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