Having undergone the physically grueling and emotionally exhausting process that is IVF has caused me to doubt my future. Will IVF ever work? If IVF works will I miscarry again? After all, these eggs of mine are three years older than they were when we first began all of this. Will these supplements really help my egg quality?
What would my life be like without children?
Will I be okay with not having any children?
What will my relationship look like without children? What about my daily life - what will that look like?
Such big questions. No real answers.
Unfortunately, my life has been on hold for over 3 years. It is sad to say but true. I live by the TTC calendar. I sacrifice my money, my vacation days, my sanity, my career, my job prospects and much more to ride on this hamster wheel.
I am beginning to feel like the end is near. I have a feeling that I
won't be able to sustain this quest for many more years. I don't think I
am up to it. I probably have one more year of fight left in me. 12 or so months.
I know that I owe it to myself to keep trying until I feel like I am defeated, or at peace with the circumstance. I am not defeated yet. Just because I am tired of the hamster wheel doesn't make me defeated. I know that I do not want to look back with regret about what I wished I would have done. I know that I am an amazingly strong person that is handling all of this quite well considering. After all, how many childless women out there have the misfortune to battle recurrent miscarriage AND now infertility? That must be a small percent. The recurrent miscarriage percent alone is around 2% so how many people in that 2% then need to deal with infertility on top of it? Geesh. That is one BAD lottery.
This is exactly why we won't be starting another round of IVF until October - November. I need a break. I need to recharge. Recuperate. Re-energize. I need to reconnect with my husband.
We have a follow up appointment with our RE, but not until September 11, a full month after our beta test. I am a little frustrated by that but at the same time know that it is fine to have to wait so long since we won't be jumping right into another IVF cycle. I have been compiling my questions for the appointment. I am curious what she will say about our two day 5 blasts. She was always so hesitant to talk about the grades which I always thought was a sign that they weren't the greatest quality. The positive point to that is that it helped set my expectations appropriately.
One thing is certain. If I am able to get pregnant again I KNOW that IF
I miscarry again I WILL fall into another depression. Probably worse than my
depression after my second miscarriage - the miscarriage that pulled the rug out from under me. This current hypothetical pregnancy
has been in the making for over two years. It will have been in the
making for 2.5 years by the time we try IVF again. That is a long time to not be pregnant and not have a miscarriage.
One thing I know though... I am a Rockstar of IVF. The meds don't phase me. The needles are just fine. The constant internal ultrasounds - whatever. The side effects are all minimal. The mood swings are non-existent. I can and will do it again. I can only hope for better results in the future.