Life stuff: I have been insanely busy with work this summer and not loving a minute of it. I am in the midst of a mini family feud. I was approached about taking a new job... Heavily pursued really. I was extremely flattered but in the end I turned it down. That whole thing was insanely stressful and emotional since I have been thinking about life without kids and trying to resolve some feelings of sadness about the possibility. Now I am interviewing for a new job more in line with where I see myself without children. It has been a BUSY couple of months.
My husbands' grandmother also passed away requiring an out of state trip that really reminded me (read: 'smacked me in the face') of how stuck in limbo we are. I was visiting these very family members in the midst of my first miscarriage and here I was back after more than three years with no baby, and no pregnancy, seeing these people who have obviously been busy making babies in my absence. It was tough. Tough also because in that part of the country it is normal to start families early and it was baby central for four whole days. Not pleasant, not at all. Then these thoughts begin: Part of me kicks myself for being responsible and waiting to begin a family until we were married and financially secure. Would all of this have been avoided if I had younger eggs?
I have been thinking about my life without children and think I have a better vision of what I would like that to look like... If that is the hand I am dealt. When I first started this blog I was much more optimistic about things working out as I had planned. I thought that I would have already had a child and may even be pregnant with my second by now. Now I am unsure if we will even have a baby. What a difference a few years can make for your hopes and dreams.
I am also randomly but regularly plagued with thoughts about reproductive immunology. I keep wondering about my immune system and if it may be the silent cause of my grief. I meant to bring it up at our IVF followup appointment but was thrown for a loop when all of these new/repeat tests were suggested. I was especially happy that they wanted to do the endometrial biopsy. Once upon a time I suspected that I had a luteal phase defect. Perhaps this biopsy will help clarify this old hunch. I have moved on from that though. My latest hunch is related to my immune system. Unfortunately, I have kept backing off about asking my RE's about her stance on the immunology topic and ask for testing. In fact, as I sit here typing this I am supposed to be sending a message to my RE to request the testing. I WILL do it. I promise. Tomorrow.
I suppose this blog post is helping me put things into perspective, help me be brave about asking and to help me wrap my head around what is truly important to me. If immunology testing is bugging me this much I need to follow my gut. She will say there is no research - that there are no studies. She is right, but this sort of thing is incredibly hard to study and prove... So much of the reproductive field is still such a mystery. They do not know why some medications work the way they do and many of the medications themselves are meant to treat other illnesses whose side effects happen to work favorably for ovaries, etc. See where I am going with this? The science is great but the also science has gaping holes... Why not just test me so I can cross it off the list? There is no harm in that.
So what are these tests I keep eluding to? Natural killer cells and HLA DQ Alpha Matching (if you don't know about it, Google it, there is no way I am going to try to explain it here). There I said it. I keep coming back to this and keep thinking that my own body is working against me. I need to be able to move on from that feeling before beginning the next round of IVF. I need to have a little reassurance. It is all about feeling comfortable and confident moving forward. Testing will bring me that comfort and confidence so bring on the needles please.