Almost EXACTLY one year ago I wrote the post to follow. It is how I STILL feel. It is so, so sad for me to still be in this holding pattern at my job. This job is stealing my joy. My will. My soul. I am close to being sucked dry by this blood-sucking-job.
What HAS changed is my will to get a new job. I have had it. I am defeated. I am trapped in the daily drudgery and doldrums. I surrender.
This the season of repeat feelings of self loathing about this job-o-mine.
Bare with me here: I want a new job – I have tried for years to do just that with no luck. I also want to get pregnant and quit my job. I don’t want to get a new job, get pregnant right away, and then quit the new job so it might be best to stay at my current job. But my current job sucks – there is no satisfaction in my role, no room for advancement and no recognition of my effort; it causes situational depression. Then there is this whole uncertainty of WHEN and IF I’ll have a healthy pregnancy, which brings me back to the beginning of this paragraph.
My husband wants me to just quit, no new job, no backup plan and no income because he knows that it is adding to my misery. It’s a scary thought but one I’m beginning to more and more wish was possible. At the same time I am a very rational person and know this isn’t an option yet (financially).
I’m a planner. I have a Master Plan. Keep working, get out of debt, save money by working through a pregnancy (or most of it at least), build up a savings to supplement the loss of my income after a baby comes and cross my fingers that husbands’ growing career will make up the difference by the time the savings run out. Sounds great on paper, doesn’t it? So quitting now doesn’t sit well with me because it interferes with the master plan even if it might be good for me right now.
The planner in me thinks it sounds like my Master Plan is a perfect plan. Then reality sets in. There are always unexpected expenses. Being on a tight budget long term is quite difficult especially for Mr. Big Spender. Then throw in all of this recurrent pregnancy loss grief, uncertainty and anger and all of a sudden this plan of mine is just ridiculous. I’m planning for a future that is more uncertain than certain. Another Catch 22, I guess.
Rainbow: It could be worse. I’m thankful I have a supportive husband that understands I am really struggling right now. I’m thankful that he has suggested I quit. I really shows me how supportive he is.
Rainshower: I just feel trapped in every way (at my job and in this parenthood journey). It would be nice to have an end in sight, a reason for the losses.