Wednesday, June 26, 2013

It's out of my Control

I like to be in control.  I am a planner.  I am a worrier.  Controlling my environment (interior design of my home) has been something that I have always clung to when other things are out of my control (getting pregnant and having a baby).  I like to focus on things I have control of in the hopes of not obsessing over the things that are out of my control, like, am I pregnant?

This cycle has been our 'break' cycle.  It was a planned break; something my husband and I talked about before beginning the third round of Clomid in May.  I have felt great letting my body normalize after all of the turmoil the hormones have caused over the last 5 months.  The great, relaxed feeling  had has now been replaced with anxiousness, heartache and nervousness.  You see, this break hasn't entirely been a break.  I have spent the better part of this cycle on the phone talking to doctors, nurses, receptionists and insurance representatives trying to get things in order for the next cycle.  Even if we weren't on a break this cycle we would have been sidelined with red tape.

After my third round of Clomid was, predictably, a bust we had to come up with a new plan.  This new plan, an unmedicated IUI cycle, takes things more out of my control than the Clomid cycles... but not in the way you may be thinking.  What is out of control is my husbands' semen analysis.

Yup.  Semen analysis.  I don't produce the semen so I am stressing about it, of course.  I am stressing because my husband has to provide the sample and let's just say he hasn't been a willing patient since he found out.  I expected as much which is why I have been keeping myself busy with trying to get him set up with a new primary care physician and getting him a referral for my RE so insurance will cover the analysis and subsequent IUI.  Insurance is the one that requires the semen analysis, not my doctor.  My doctor needs to submit paperwork to our insurance, for approval, in order for the IUI to be covered.

While spending hours in the last couple of weeks trying to get everything in order for my husband to provide his sample HASN'T been too stressful for me, it HAS defeated the purpose of taking a break.  Trying to have a baby is still at the forefront of my mind when I am constantly on the phone explaining the situation and requesting a referral. 

You are right, I didn't need to make all of these phone calls.  My husband could have done it.  But I took it on knowing that he wasn't thrilled about even providing a semen sample for analysis so I wanted to lessen the burden for him in whatever way I could.

It was last week Tuesday that I received the news about the referral being put in and the semen analysis has yet to take place.  I am a little frustrated by that.  Add that I am in the second half of my cycle and I am can easily become little emotional about it (with that I say a sarcastic thank you to my hormones).  Add also, that I expect to start my next cycle next week which is starting to add pressure to the situation.  It is 5:00 am as I type this, after waking at 4 am and unable to fall back asleep because I cannot stop thinking about missing another cycle if my husband will not cooperate and submit a sample.  Ugh.

When my husband becomes seemingly uncooperative like this I cannot help but to take it personally.  I begin to question whether he even wants kids.  I desperately want kids.  Why else would I put myself through surgery, 5 months of hormones and countless transvaginal ultrasounds?  In times like this I cannot help feeling like I don't have the support of a willing partner that I desperately need.  There are days when I ask myself "why I am putting myself through all of this when he doesn't seem to care as much as I do"  I know that isn't true, of course, but I still feel that way sometimes, especially when he is uncooperative.  Yes, I know a semen analysis isn't pleasant but neither is surgery.  Yes, I know that timed intercourse isn't fun but neither is a transvaginal ultrasound.  Yes, I know that making love to a cup isn't thrilling but neither is a having an Intrauterine Insemination.  If this is a competition I win the "this isn't pleasant, fun, nor thrilling" ribbon.

Just because he doesn't seem to care doesn't mean he doesn't care.  He wants kids.  I know he does.  I think that he tries to mask how much he wants kids because he knows that I may begin to feel guilty about not being about to give him one yet.  It's obviously a problem with me that has put us in this situation but I haven't felt guilty about it like other women that suffer from recurrent miscarriages do.  I think that me being 'guilt-free' has largely been because he doesn't express a strong, verbal interest in having kids.  Its a blessing and a curse.  Some days I really need him to verbally express interest in having kids and also demonstrating his desires by providing support, reassurance and a sperm sample.

Is he afraid of the results?  I could understand that if we had never been pregnant before but obviously his swimmers are just fine.  They have been successful at least three times now.  What is the hang up, besides the obvious?

This month marks one year since I have been pregnant.  This is quite emotional for me.  One year ago I was reassuring myself with the idea that a take-home baby would be in our future soon.  Yet here I am one year later, no closer than we were a year ago, not even pregnant.  We have only had 3 cycles of trying in past 12 cycles.  (It is awful seeing that typed out) 

This year has brought much progress with a whole new team of doctors, a diagnosis of subclinical hypothyroidism and uterine polyp removal surgery.  It has also brought much heartache and disappointment with three failed clomid cycles and the recommendation of an IUI.  We have come a long way but it has been more of a marathon than I expected to be running one year ago when I was hoping to be pregnant and thinking that I was running a sprint.

I'd like my marathon to be over but right now I'd settle for the semen analysis sprint to be over so I can focus on something more productive and positive.  A positive pregnancy test in July, for example. 

Rainbow:      Writing this post has made me feel a little better today.

Rainshower: I am not promising that tomorrow will be good or even ok.

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