Saturday, April 27, 2013

I Just Don't Fit In.

It has been an interesting few days.  I cannot take my mind off the possibility that I may become pregnant this cycle.  I have been a google freak and cannot get off the computer.  You name it and I've done it in the last 24 hours - youtube,, fertility friend chart anaylsis (for hours)., pinterest, blogs, BFP stories.  I even signed up for a YEAR of VIP fertility friend.  A year.  I figured that if I signed up I'd certainly find out I'm pregnant on May 6 or before.  I am obsessed.  But to be honest, as the days go by I am more and more doubtful that I will turn up pregnant this month.  Oh, the joys of the two-week-wait.  Thankfully I have this blog to refer back to when I get discouraged and feel down.  Which I certainly was this weekend. BUT I'm in a great mood today. I'm convinced I'm not pregnant and I'm ok with it. I'm feeling good and my skin is great this cycle. PLUS Clomid didn't cause any crazy side effects like last time. I am so grateful for that.

This weekend I was reminded that it is "National Infertility Awareness Week."  I associate with this label yet I do not meet the true criteria of being infertile.  I am not infertile.  I ovulate, I can get pregnant (for a little while at least).  I just cannot STAY pregnant.  It is painful for me that I don't belong in a 'group' as widely known as the infertile's.  I'm in the 1% recurrent miscarriage group.  That's me - 3 early losses here (so far).  Sense my worry about not being able to break the cycle? 

While I am proud that people are bringing awareness to infertility with this dedicated week and the tireless efforts of Resolve - I cannot help but be reminded that I just do not fit in.  I'm in the 1% and it is a lonely place to be.  It is not so much that I want to fit into a group, because I have never really fit in to groups.  I am a loaner and I'm perfectly fine with that.  I just do not have many people to relate to.  (Not to be confused with sympathy from).  I genuinely have no one that truly understands what I am going through because I'm in such a small percentage.

Because of this I guard myself - which doesn't do me any favors.  It is especially hard when I DO open up to people about my situation (normally after I know they have dealt with infertility and are now pregnant).  I tend to NOT want to talk to pregnant women about my history because I do not want to freak them out and make them worry but sometimes it just has to come up.... like when they say:
Friend:  "Now you're next, right?"
Me:       "We've been at it since 2011 but have some unique circumstances. I could fill you in but I don't want to freak out a pregnant lady with my story"
Friend:  "we had some very unique circumstances too..."
"Hang in there with things! just when you think it won't happen, miraculously it will. It's the most amazing experience and makes the day you actually get pregnant that much more precious!"  (This one is the tear jerker that makes me feel like I now have to explain my 'circumstances')

I swear I set myself up for this sort of response.    Yup, just when I think it won't happen I'll get pregnant. 



That's not my problem.  I can get that far.  I wish this were the case with me though.

At the time my friend didn't know about my miscarriages - just that I have 'unique circumstances'.  I'm in the business of educating people, I guess.  I cannot even relate to infertile's and that makes me sad.  I know she had the best of intentions but it still hurts.  It hurts that it doesn't work that way for me.

It's a process.  One step forward, two steps back.  I open up and then I shut up.   

I am sure and 'infertile' or two has thought "at least you can GET pregnant" or "at least you can keep trying and trying and hope that one of them will stick."  I understand that.  I do.  You will upset me and I will upset you.  But at the end of the day we both want the same things for one another :)

We all have our own rainshowers and rainbows.

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