Monday, April 22, 2013

fear and self loathing

I am afraid. I don't ordinarily allow myself to be be afraid, but right now I am afraid.

I am fearful that even if I do get pregnant with Clomid that there is a chance it may not work out. That doesn't scare me as much as the thought of it NEVER working out though. (Meaning I may never bring a child into the world)

I am fearful also that this will be another whack-o cycle and we will miss our shot at even getting pregnant.

My fear is ordinarily reserved for 'will I get pregnant this time?' and 'will I make it to six weeks/8 weeks/etc.?'

Not often does fear of a future with no children cross my mind but when it does, good old self loathing comes to the surface too.  It's really a debilitating combo. And especially debilitating in the two week wait - which I'm not even in yet.  I'm waiting to ovulate or just ovulated.

I gave myself the HCG Trigger shot last night and had a positive OPK this morning and I'm nervous ALREADY.  My mood swings aren't as bad as during the first round, thankfully, but I can feel myself unraveling if I allow myself to get too caught up in a negative thought.  I'm feeling pretty good physically but emotionally is another story.

Oh, the life I lead.  It's too stressful most of the time.  It is as though my life revolves around having a baby, raising a baby, getting pregnant, dressing a baby bump, designing a nursery.  I'm steps ahead of myself most of the time.  I can't help it - it's just the way I am. 

I am so afraid that we won't get pregnant this cycle.  It is a debilitating, irrational fear but one I cannot shake.  The thought of going through this month after month AGAIN is too daunting to even write more about it.  Add the fact that I cannot take Clomid indefinitely and that adds a lot of pressure.  Pressure for me and pressure for my husband.  The pressure can be a huge problem.     

Can you imagine the two week wait I am in store for if I'm already this anxious? 

Rainbow:      All hope is not lost
Rainshower:  Nothing seems to be going my way.

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