Tuesday, June 10, 2014

IVF Results...

We had a 3day transfer.  The algorithm that the embryology lab uses indicated that we should transfer two, our Doctor suggested one.  We transferred two 3day embryos with slight fragmentation - we put our trust in the algorithm.  With that the wait began.

The wait was difficult but no moreso than a medicated IUI cycle.  I began to analyze little things here and there and analyzed the lack of symptoms as well.  I was quick to dismiss the ovarian twinges I was feeling because at this point in this medical marathon I KNOW that those twinges are just an indication of developing cysts.

We were fortunate enough to have two embryos to freeze...the grades of which are unknown at this time, unfortunately.

Beta Day arrived but not without me testing at home in advance.  Negative.  I like to know the results ahead of time.  The nurse confirmed my suspicion in record time on Beta Day.  Sigh.

I follow up appointment has been scheduled.  I am curious about a frozen embryo transfer schedule and protocol.

I am ok.

I really am.

The thing is, I wasn't letting myself get too excited. If it DID work, and I got pregnant, that didn't mean that everything was going to work out...  I could always have another miscarriage.  You never know.

It is sad though.  I haven't been pregnant since July 2012.  This whole escapade began in June 2011.  It has been three years.  Three LONG years.  

I wish I could say that I was able to still fill those years with wonderful memories, great trips and with good friends but that just isn't the case.  I have been through the ringer and it is written all over my face.  I have been forever changed.  There will always be a profound sadness associated with this time period in my life, regardless of the eventual outcome.

At this point I am a little all over the place with my thoughts and emotions.  Some days I am fine.  Others not so much.  There are so many things to consider and so much free time that I find my mind wandering into the 'what if' scenarios. 

What I do know is that my life feels incomplete.  There is a missing piece.  The big question though is "will a baby make me feel complete?"

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