Not being able to try...

Not being able to try is worst than trying and failing.  I like to be able to say 'at least we tried'.

Unfortunately I have two large cysts on the side I ovulated from last month.  Not good news. The RE won't let us cycle with meds this month.  I get it but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it.

"You could still try on your own", said the nurse.  

Gee thanks.  As if THAT has really been working out for us lady.  If we didn't need help getting pregnant and staying pregnant we wouldn't be your patient. Some people.  I wonder if they realize their blunder after they say it?

Today just sucks.  

We won't be able to do a medicated IUI until February now because my husband is traveling in January.  

The hope for a 2014 is so small now.

Damn it.  2013 was supposed to be my year.  That didn't happen. 2014 was definitely supposed to be my year.  That is looking bleak at this point.  I am so bummed.

The good news on the job front though:  I have an end date set.  I picked it.  I'm sticking with it.  Regardless of the state of my belly, I will be free of this awful job on August 1, 2014.  So in that way 2014 WILL be my year.

Having the end date helps me keep going when I can't stand another minute at work.  It helps me have something tangible and real to look forward to.

I may be quite pregnant, pregnant, barely pregnant or not pregnant at that time and it will still be my last day.

What will I do with my time?  Plenty.

My primary hope is that I will be growing a baby.  All other endeavors will be what I WANT to do FOR ONCE.  Since age 16 i have never taken a break.  I have never been without a job.  I have never taken time to 'find myself'.  I will need to use that time to find myself again.  I am lost in this grief, this disappointment, this expectation that I need to be doing something productive with my life even if it isn't fulfilling.  I need to find something that will fulfill me.  I need to be happy.  I need to break free of the daily doldrums.

Thank goodness I have a husband that wants to provide for me while I figure all of this out.  He is so supportive of this decision it brings me to tears.  As he says, "you have spent years supporting me and now I want to support you".  

I think I won the jackpot when I met him! He is my world.  He is the only one that understands my situation.  I love him so much.

I'm still here. I'm still not pregnant.

It's been an interesting couple of months.

I have a new Reproductive Endocrinologist.  I still have my tubes.  I just finished my first Follistim cycle with an IUI.  A BFN was expected.  A BFN is what we got.

I am on CD3.  I had an ultrasound and bloodwork this morning.  I am awaiting the results but I do know that I have a cyst.  Not sure the size or how this impacts the intention to cycle again this month with Follistim... 

Cysts. The story of 2013.  One step forward, two steps back.

It is depressing to think about the lack of progress that has occurred since my 3rd miscarriage.  (Meaning I haven't been pregnant since July 2012).

Technically I have secondary infertility now.  We are two follistim cycles away from IVF.  Which could be delayed by this stupid cyst and will be delayed by my husband travel plans for work in January.

Delay after delay.  A 2014 baby is looking to be a long shot at this point.

I am bah-humbug during December.  Oh, and I'm approaching another birthday.  

Good times all around.

Rainbow: I have my tubes.  I haven't had another miscarriage.

Rainshower: Another birthday without a baby.  I have friends that have had three children in the span of my TTC marathon.  It is hard to see these children growing up knowing their ages match up to all of my losses.  Recurrent Pregancy Loss just stinks.  Add Secondary Infertility on top of RPL and it blows!

Hydrosalpinx? Paraovarian Cyst? The Mystery Continues

It's been awhile since I've written.  Here is what has happened in September so far...

       Pre Appointment with my RE:

• I spent Labor Day worried sick awaiting an appointment with my Reproductive Endocrinologist.

      Appointment:

• I was relieved to hear that my RE didn't think I had a hydrosalpinx.  Especially after convincing myself that the removal of my tubes was imminent.  He called it an 'artifact'.
• Results of End-of-August ultrasound: 
• " Complex cyst on the right ovary measuring 12x11mm probable residual follicle.  11x14mm left paraovarian cyst and 12x13x7mm tubular filled area in left adnexa which may represent a hydrosalpinx.  No ovarian cyst in the left ovary. "
• I wasn't too worried that he wasn't too worried about the paraovarian cyst because my focus had been on the possibility of a hydrosalpinx.
• I was expecting to have an HSG to rule out a hydrosalpinx... didn't happen.
• I wasn't expecting my RE to say "Let's get aggressive and put you back on Clomid"
• I was a little shell shocked in the appointment.  I was SOOO relieved to hear he didn't think I had a hydrosalpinx that I was much more willing to go along with his new clomid plan.  I would have fought tooth and nail if I had been in my right mind.
• I later became VERY worried about the paraovarian cyst because of a little internet research (basically ovarian cysts can resolve themselves during pregnancy while paraovarian cysts do not.  Paraovarian cysts continue to grow during pregnany often requiring surgery DURING PREGNANCY).  Freaked out yet?  I was.

       Post Appointment:

• My husband was at the appointment.  Thank goodness.  He was able to help me process and provide a couple good points to consider moving ahead. 

       Moving ahead?

• After the end-of-August ultrasound and after convincing myself that my tubes were toast I decided that it was probably time to switch RE's.  I always knew that if we were to get to the point of doing IVF I would have to switch.  My clinic is great but not the greatest in my area.  I live in Boston and have MANY options for clinics.  I need to be at a better one for something like IVF for many reasons.  
• Something else is nagging at me too.  This hydrosalpinx may have established itself as a result of my polyp removal surgery.  My RE was in that area for the surgery and could have injured my tube(s) in the process if locating my polyp.  It was a difficult surgery for the Doctor due to my retroverted uterus and the location of the polyp at the top of my uterus.  For the record I place no blame on my RE nor do I have any hard feelings about this unfortunate situation. Every procedure has its risks.  There is no need to dwell on the why/how this happened.  It certainly isn't going to fix my fluid filled tube(s).  Instead I need to focus on next steps. But if I stuck with this office I would probably but be able to fully trust the doctor anymore because if these fleeting thoughts.

        New Reproductive Endocrinologist:

• I have already putting the wheels in motion for a new RE.  As much as I will miss this office and as much as I appreciate them helping me through many hurdles I know that if I stay with them and things don't work out I will blame myself for sticking with the same RE.  
• Part of my decision to switch also is because I need to also consider the opinions of my family.  My in-laws are in the medical field and aren't too happy that I am not at one of the top offices right now (although they haven't said so they were thrilled to hear that I will be switching).  Not being at a top office really didn't bother me after the experience with my first RE who was at a top office.  That was NOT the right place for me at the time.
• I need to take this potential diagnosis as a sign that I need to move on.  I feel like I am about to break up with my boyfriend or something.  I am dreading it because I do like him so much.

      CD 2 Ultrasound - September 22:

• The ultrasound technician told me that she could see the "area of interest" from last month and that it is still there but small and that it is hard to tell if it is a paraovarian cyst or a hydrosalpinx.
• Nurse phone call...
• She said: I have a small cyst on the right, probably a corpus luteum cyst.  Nothing to be concerned about.  Start the clomid tomorrow.
• I said: What about the paraovarian cyst?
• She said: You will have to talk to your Doctor about it.

Rainshower: This is no artifact.  It is something.  Yet they want me to go forward with the cycle and medication?
Rainbow:     I am so grateful I have an appointment with another RE soon to make sense of all of this.  I just don't know who to trust anymore.

Hydrosalpinx?!

Let me backtrack a bit...

• In early July I found out I had two cysts (one large on the right and one small on the left).  

• Last month I had one cyst (probably the large one getting smaller).  

• This month I have a small cyst on the right (the large cyst STILL isn't gone) AND a few smaller ones on the left side.

No bueno.  I was not happy when I left the ultrasound but wasn't too upset about it.  I was just a little frustrated that the cyst wasn't gone and that it looked like there were more small cysts.  I just don't understand.  I have never had problems with cysts before - even when I was taking clomid. 

I wasn't too concerned about the small cysts at the time because it was possible that they were antral follicles.  Antral follicles are small follicles (about 2-8 mm in diameter) that are 'on deck'.  They are the follicles that are waiting their turn to become a dominate follicle.  Sometimes these follicles can look like cysts on an ultrasound so I was not concerned.

This was not the greatest news but still isn't the worst news I received at my CD3 ultrasound.  The other information the nurse told me in a followup phone call with the results - I have fluid in my fallopian tube by the cyst and more endometrial lining than I ought to on CD3.  "So we are going to have to skip this cycle.  I am going to have your doctor look at these results and schedule you an appointment so he can talk to you about this"

Wait, what? 

"What was the name you used for the cyst again?" I asked. 

She said "It isn't a cyst.  It is fluid in your fallopian tube.  It's called hydrosalpinx"

"Umm, ok" Clearly I had no idea what this all meant but knew it couldn't be good if I now have to see the doctor.

I scheduled an appointment for Wednesday and then went back to work for a minute before Dr. Google began begging me to look into this fluid situation.

What I found was frightening.  

If you google 'fluid in fallopian tube' the only thing you get is "hydrosalpinx" so that HAD to be what the nurse said over the phone.

Here is a nice summary I found at the top of the search results:
http://www.pacificfertilitycenter.com/infertility-diagnosis/hydrosalpinx

According to the website:
A hydrosalpinx is the medical name for a fallopian tube that has become filled with fluid due to injury or infection.  
Injury or infection?  How did I injury it?  I haven't had an infection either.  WTF.

Hydrosalpinx usually affects both fallopian tubes, (even when only one tube is affected, there is usually some residual damage to the other)
Oh great.  Just great.

Hydrosalpinges (when both tubes are affected) is a very severe form of tubal damage and pregnancy is usually only achieved with In Vitro Fertilization.
Wait, what?!
Cue the tears.  There was no stopping the internet searches now.  I had to keep looking into this.  Could I really be forced into IVF because of this stupid fluid?

Hydrosalpinx commonly results from a long-untreated infection in the fallopian tubes. A number of situations may lead to fallopian tube infection, including:

• The residual effects of a prior sexually transmitted disease such as chlamydia or gonorrhea
• Prior ruptured appendix
• Excessive tissue buildup due to endometriosis

None of the above applies to me.  I've never had an STD - I've been tested throughout the years.  My appendix is fine and to my knowledge I don't have endometriosis.  This doesn't make sense.  Was it the IUI, the progesterone suppositories, the uterine polyp removal surgery?  I have lost track of the number of transvaginal ultrasounds I have had- its been so many.  Could it be from that?  How is this possible?

The inflammation and healing process resulting from such infection destroys the delicate finger-like fimbria, which extend from the end of the fallopian tube to the ovary. Fimbria are responsible for carrying the egg to waiting sperm and moving egg and sperm together for fertilization.
Wonderful.  That's not good.  That's really bad.

When injured, fimbria become fused together, thus closing off the tubes. Fluid then collects in the fallopian tubes, making it impossible for them to function.
Fused together.  Seriously.  Could this get any worse? 

In some cases, especially where the hydrosalpinx is small, this type of blockage can be repaired, allowing pregnancy to occur naturally.... A laparoscope is surgically inserted into the abdomen and an incision is made to open the blocked fallopian tube. Recovery from this procedure is relatively rapid and normal activity may be resumed within a few days. 
Oh good, MORE surgery.  REAL surgery.  Through my freaking belly button.

Because ovarian health and egg quality decline after the age of 35, reversal surgery is more viable for younger patients who can afford the additional wait time. 
hmmm, I'm 33, 34 in 4 months.  What is this additional wait time?  A couple of months?

Patients conceiving after tubal surgery must be monitored very closely for a possible ectopic pregnancy.
OMFG. It just got worse.  The fertilized egg may get stuck in there now?  Seriously.  I have enough problems with the recurrent miscarriage worries and concerns.  Now I have to worry about an ectopic?  sigh.

Because of the low chances of success with attempts at surgical reconstruction of the tubes (some studies have shown a 10% pregnancy rate in the year following neosalpingostomy for hydrosalpinges), and because of the increased risk of ectopic pregnancy, most women experiencing significant tubal damage are advised to move directly to IVF.
The final nail in the coffin.  A YEAR?!  Increased risk of ectopic and a 10% pregnancy rate. IVF it must be then.

In order to increase IVF success and a healthy pregnancy, it may be recommended that the damaged portion of the fallopian tube be removed entirely before treatment, as in some cases, fertility enhancing drugs may have the adverse effect of causing fluid buildup in the fallopian tubes. Blocked, fluid-filled tubes also can leak into the uterus, posing a risk of infection after embryo transfer.
Stick a fork in me - I'm done.  This is no quick fix.  Another disappointment another delay.  I'm no closer to holding a baby in my arms as I was 27 months ago when all of this began.

With that bombshell I had to leave work.  Once knowing this possible diagnosis I could not focus on anything else.  Thank goodness the nurse waited until the end of the day to call me back so I could work a little longer.

I am devastated.  I am heartbroken.  I am mad.  I am let down - yet again.  I cried on and off all night and didn't get much sleep.  I am in mourning.  I am mourning the loss of my fallopian tubes before they are even gone.  Let's get rid of them.  NOW!

This is so hard.  Never did I imagine it would be half this hard to have a baby.  Never did I think it would get this bad either.  No tubes now?  No possibility of having a baby naturally again.  No unplanned surprise baby.  No luck.

I realize that I am not yet diagnosed with this condition.  I know that.  My husband hates that I do this.  He hates that I am diagnosing myself.  He the optimist, I am the pessimist. 

I like to be prepared.  I like to know what I am up against.  I'd like to go into my appointment informed.  I also want to prepare myself so I do not fall apart when the doctor delivers the unpleasant news. 

This doesn't mean I cannot have a baby.  It's just another obstacle to overcome.  Another step to take.  I haven't gotten this far by being a wallflower in this path to parenthood.  I am an empower patient that has become my own advocate.  That is my biggest lesson thus far.  SPEAK UP.  DON'T LET THE DOCTOR WALK ALL OVER YOU.  If your gut tells you something is wrong than listen!

I am incredibly lucky in one regard.  My state requires insurance companies to have fertility coverage.  I can have IVF.  I have excellent insurance.  This is not the end of the road for me.  I may be taking the scenic route even though I started out on the highway but I WILL make it to my destination.

I am already thinking ahead...
1.  Doctor's Appointment                                                 September 4
2.  HSG to confirm the hydrosalpinx diagnosis               September 10 (CD 14)
3.  laparoscopic salpingectomy (removing the tubes)     October 17 (in a dream world)
4.  Recovery                                                                    October - November
5.  IVF                                                                             December (fingers crossed)
6.  Baby :)                                                                        September, 2014

Rainshower: My tubes aren't looking too good right now
Rainbow:      It's 2013.  I don't need tubes to get pregnant (although it is much easier if you do).

Another Month, Another Negative Test

I am preparing to go into my blood test Monday morning.  I hate these blood tests because I already know the answer. It's negative.

What is even worse is the awkward conversation with the nurse when she calls with the results.  They always seem surprised that I am not devastated by the news.  It's almost as if I am encouraging THEM to keep trying.

I test early so I can come to terms with the outcome and start a new cycle with a clear mind.  I treat it as a fresh start and am optimistic about next time.  Perhaps this is rare considering the astonishment of the nurses that I speak to.

Am I really that strange?  Is it really that uncommon to test early and already deal with my emotions and disappointment prior to being told by the nurse?  Apparently.

Why a blood test if I already know the results?  Well, most of the time it is required if you have had medication (Clomid, HCG shot, etc.).  

For me though it does provide a little peace of mind.  My third pregnancy and miscarriage was a complete surprise. I tested negative and then got what I thought was my period (but kept spotting for longer than usual).  When my spotting turned into bleeding mid cycle I called the doctor and had a blood test that confirmed I was pregnant and miscarrying.  This is exactly why 'light' periods make me paranoid now.

So our first, well timed, IUI was a bust.  No May baby for us.  I would have LOVED a May baby:(

It's JUST the Progesterone!

Repeat after me: It's just the progesterone!

So it's 6 DPO and I'm having symptoms. At 4 DPO I began to experience ongoing tender breasts.  At 5 DPO it was a tender breasts, headache, fatigue and irritability.  Today, at 6 DPO, it is a triphasic BBT chart, bloating, along with tender breasts (and maybe I'm a little queasy this afternoon?).

I have experienced all of these symptoms in both pregnancy and progesterone supplemented cycles.  What is a little unusual this month is the breast tenderness occurring so soon after ovulation.  Breast tenderness is very uncommon for me on a normal cycle and only common intermittently on progesterone supplemented cycles. On a normal progesterone supplemented cycle breast tenderness normally begins at 9 DPO, NOT 4 DPO.  

This cycle is a little different.

I repeat:  It's just the progesterone!

(I need to keep reminding myself of this)

Rainbow:      I have my sanity so far.

Rainshower: I'm reading into all of these symptoms but constantly need to remind myself that it could just be the hormones I am on.  At least I can tolerate these hormones better than birth control and Clomid.

What the Heck?! I ovulated on CD 12!

Holy moly. I ovulated on Cycle Day 12.  This never happens to me.  Only twice in the 2 years I have been charting my BBT have I ovulated on Day 14 let alone Day 12.  I am a Cycle Day 16 or 17 kinda gal.  This is nuts.

Even nuttier: I had EWCM on CD 10. Day 10!  That peaked my interest so on CD11 I took an OPK.  What do you know? It was POSITIVE.  It was as positive as positive gets which is rare for me (my 'positives' are never as 'positive' as the manufacture say they should be).  What the heck?!

So on CD11 I called the doctor.

My CD 12 follicle scan turned into an IUI!

Nuttier still: I actually ovulated on CD 12 so my LH surge was longer than normal. I'm the kinda gal that ovulates on the SAME day as I get a positive OPK on 90% of my cycles.  OPKs aren't helpful in the 'prediction' category.  It's more of a hurry up and get husband test (HUGH).  Or a huge stress inducer.

So the IUI was well timed.  

The questions I had/have:

Did my small residual cyst contribute to my extra positive OPK this cycle?

Did the cyst contribute to this early ovulation even though it only slightly moved up my ovulation last cycle to CD 15??

Did I even ovulate or is this cyst giving me a false positive on my LH surge???

Did I even ovulate a MATURE egg or did I just spit out something immature when my cyst caused an LH surge????

What is going on here????

Today I am 3 DPO.  Only time will tell. I am feeling hopeful but that is normal for 3 DPO.  By the time 8 DPO comes around I begin the unravel.  Sigh.

Rainbow:  I had a well timed IUI with 36 Million swimmers.

Rainshower: I wasn't able to be monitored so I don't know anything about the egg size and lining thickness. 

Catch 22 - Round 2

Almost EXACTLY one year ago I wrote the post to follow.  It is how I STILL feel.  It is so, so sad for me to still be in this holding pattern at my job.  This job is stealing my joy.  My will.  My soul.  I am close to being sucked dry by this blood-sucking-job.

What HAS changed is my will to get a new job.  I have had it.  I am defeated.  I am trapped in the daily drudgery and doldrums.  I surrender.

This the season of repeat feelings of self loathing about this job-o-mine.

…........................................................

Bare with me here:  I want a new job – I have tried for years to do just that with no luck.  I also want to get pregnant and quit my job.  I don’t want to get a new job, get pregnant right away, and then quit the new job so it might be best to stay at my current job.  But my current job sucks – there is no satisfaction in my role, no room for advancement and no recognition of my effort; it causes situational depression.  Then there is this whole uncertainty of WHEN and IF I’ll have a healthy pregnancy, which brings me back to the beginning of this paragraph.

My husband wants me to just quit, no new job, no backup plan and no income because he knows that it is adding to my misery.  It’s a scary thought but one I’m beginning to more and more wish was possible.  At the same time I am a very rational person and know this isn’t an option yet (financially).  

I’m a planner.  I have a Master Plan.  Keep working, get out of debt, save money by working through a pregnancy (or most of it at least), build up a savings to supplement the loss of my income after a baby comes and cross my fingers that husbands’ growing career will make up the difference by the time the savings run out.  Sounds great on paper, doesn’t it?  So quitting now doesn’t sit well with me because it interferes with the master plan even if it might be good for me right now.

The planner in me thinks it sounds like my Master Plan is a perfect plan.  Then reality sets in.  There are always unexpected expenses.  Being on a tight budget long term is quite difficult especially for Mr. Big Spender.  Then throw in all of this recurrent pregnancy loss grief, uncertainty and anger and all of a sudden this plan of mine is just ridiculous.  I’m planning for a future that is more uncertain than certain.  Another Catch 22, I guess.

Rainbow:          It could be worse.  I’m thankful I have a supportive husband that understands I am really struggling right now.  I’m thankful that he has suggested I quit.  I really shows me how supportive he is.

Rainshower:    I just feel trapped in every way (at my job and in this parenthood journey).  It would be nice to have an end in sight, a reason for the losses. 

On Some Days it is difficult to Hold It Together

I haven't written in awhile.  We are not pregnant despite my optimism early in the waiting period.  As I approached the end of the wait I just had a feeling the test would be negative.

I wasn't upset.  I was more focused on my husbands follow up SA.  

Those results came back fine as I hoped and expected.  

I had my CD3 ultrasound a couple of days ago.  I still have a small cyst BUT it is small enough that my doctor is going to let me do a trigger shot this cycle. Yippee?

Yesterday our IUI was approved by our insurance.  

These are all good things.

However today is not a good day.  There is no particular reason for my sadness today but it may have to do with me looking ahead, reflecting on the past and looking into the success rates of an IUI.  Honestly the success rates aren't all that great when you are going the unmediated route as we are.  I know that everyone is different and that WE probably have good odds of success but I am just feeling sad today that I am not pregnant.

It's days like today that I would like to be at home snuggling with a child. 

I told a coworker that we would probably do three IUIs before moving on to IVF (I imagine that my Doctor will recommend this route if we are unsuccessful after 3 IUIs).  Saying that to someone, out loud, rather than just constantly thinking it really affected me today.

The idea that we may still be at this 4 months from now is just so sad.  Then there are the thoughts about getting pregnant but not being able to stay pregnant.  

Notice my spiral of negative thoughts today? I do.  I cannot help it though.  I am a worst case scenario person.  Expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised seems to be the theme of 2013.

I have normalized my thyroid levels and had my polyp removed and am hopeful that these things will solve the recurrent miscarriage problem but there is no real way to tell until I actually get pregnant.

I am ready.  Very ready.  To be pregnant.  To stay pregnant.  

Ready.

Today is the Day to Worry about my Cysts

As much as I've tried to remain optimistic that these cysts will resolve themselves before my ultrasound around August 4 I cannot seem to shake the worry that they will require more time to go away, a medication to help or even worse,another surgery.  

I have had 'twinges' all moth long here and there on both sides.  Yesterday I had quite a few twinges on the right side which has made me worry that the cyst is growing and not reducing.

Of course if this were any other cycle I would take these twinges as an optimistic sign of pregnancy but not this time.  This time I am worried.

I am thankful that today is Friday and that I can busy myself all weekend with things that keep my mind off of my cysts, the two-week-wait and my husbands upcoming SA.

Monday I will be 12 DPO and I plan on holding off testing until then.  Fingers crossed I have the will power.

I'm optimistic. I'm 5 DPO.

After having a pity party for a few days (or more) I got over myself and my fatalistic thoughts and just moved on.

I scheduled my husbands' next SA and just tried to push my negative thoughts from my mind.

I didn't use OPKs like an addict this month.  I did continue to chart my BBT, however.  I wanted to see if my cysts would inhibit ovulation this month.  They did not.  

We tried once this month. Just like all of the other three times we actually got pregnant.  

The first two times we got pregnant it was without testing and charting and all of that.  You know, fun and spontaneous.  Well, that's what we did this month too.  We had fun.  It wasn't stressful.  I only did an OPK after because I felt ovulation approaching.  It was positive.  And for me, positive usually means that it is ovulation day.  No advanced warning with OPKs here.

I think that the carefree attitude I had going into ovulation is helping me keep it together in the two week wait (for now at least).  Admittedly I did wonder, and google, if having these cysts will inhibit implantation but didn't come up with much.  Which is good.  I didn't fall into the wormhole of google searches that lead to doubt and worry.  

I think what is also helping me keep it together is that I am taking progesterone supplements.  In my mind taking those will help counteract any potential problems the cysts may cause during implantation.  Whether this is true or not is of no concern to me.  It is making me feel confident and that is a good thing.

Now back to these cysts.  I have been feeling twinges on both sides intermittently both before and after ovulation, but more so before.  The same sort of twinges I had while in Clomid.  I am hopeful that the twinges are a good thing and that they are resolving themselves and NOT getting bigger.  Bigger is no bueno.

Bigger cysts are not welcome. A positive pregnancy test however is warming welcome.

Rainbow:  I am keeping it together quite nicely right now.  I just want to make it through the week.  Bring on Friday!

Rainshower: These cysts do occasionally have me a little worried.  But thankfully it is only occasionally.  

Pity Party for One

My mood is much different than it was the last time I wrote.

There has been some unexpected news. Not the greatest but still not the worst news either.

I have two cysts (as a result of Clomid and/or HCG shots) and the husbands' SA was out of whack too.  So a triggered IUI is out of the question due to the cysts.  Had the husbands' SA not been out of whack we may have gone ahead with the IUI just trying to time it right with OPKs.  Instead insurance requires another sample so an IUI will not be approved. Boo.

This is all unfortunate news.  Disappointing news.  It is the type of disappointment that only someone with a strong yearning to become pregnant can understand.  The understanding that this cycle will be another missed cycle.  Another delay.  One more month without a baby.  It is crushing.

We can try on our own. Yes. But.  I have a feeling of defeat that I am not sure will be helpful this time around.  The same feeling I had on my third Clomid cycle.  The feeling that it just won't work.

However disappointed I am I am also not too worried about my two cysts and especially not the SA results.

The cysts are 38 mm and 13 mm.  They are expected to resolve themselves.  Fingers crossed that they are gone at my next CD3 ultrasound.

The SA wasn't good but may be explained by the fact that it was collected at home and transported to the lab.  The next sample will be collected at the office.  

I am not concerned about the results especially because we have been able to get pregnant three times rather easily.

I guess my heartache has more to do with the fact that all of this bad news was  received on the same day in the same cycle.  If I took each of these disappointments and spread them throughout two cycles it would be a much different emotion I am sure.

Then there are the what if's that I cannot help but think about.  What if the cysts aren't gone next month? Another month delay.  What if they require medical intervention? Two month delay.  What if SA #2 is again underwhelming?  Another delay.  Which will come from husband having to see a urologist. Boo.

This just stinks.

I'm STILL no closer to being pregnant.

Add the fact that baby #1 would be 1 1/2 years old, baby #2 would just be turning 1 and baby #3 would be 6 months and this makes me that much worse off.  

This month is the one year anniversary of my last miscarriage.  I have been floundering for the past year, not for a second thinking that I wouldn't be pregnant by now, at least.  There are friends of mine that have had two children in the two-year span I have been struggling with all of this loss, disappointment, fear and anger.

It's obviously not a good time for me.  I am full of self pity these days.  I'm just twiddling my thumbs over here as I have been for the past year.  Waiting to get pregnant.

These cysts had better go away this month or I will be livid.  I curse Clomid.

It's my favorite time of the month

It's cycle day one!

No, seriously.  This really IS my favorite time of the month.  It is a fresh start. A new day.  New hope.  Excitement.  Oh the possibilities.

It's the least stressful I will be all month.

The roller coaster ride is about to start again.

I have to say that I am VERY optimistic about this cycle.  So much so that I fear that if I don't get pregnant after this first IUI I will be devastated.  

But never mind that talk.  Today is Cycle Day 1 and it is a GREAT day.

Rainbow:      I'm hopeful, optimistic and stress free.

Rainshower:  I may just be the ONLY TTCer that actually likes CD1.  Feel free and call me a nut.

It's out of my Control

I like to be in control.  I am a planner.  I am a worrier.  Controlling my environment (interior design of my home) has been something that I have always clung to when other things are out of my control (getting pregnant and having a baby).  I like to focus on things I have control of in the hopes of not obsessing over the things that are out of my control, like, am I pregnant?

This cycle has been our 'break' cycle.  It was a planned break; something my husband and I talked about before beginning the third round of Clomid in May.  I have felt great letting my body normalize after all of the turmoil the hormones have caused over the last 5 months.  The great, relaxed feeling  had has now been replaced with anxiousness, heartache and nervousness.  You see, this break hasn't entirely been a break.  I have spent the better part of this cycle on the phone talking to doctors, nurses, receptionists and insurance representatives trying to get things in order for the next cycle.  Even if we weren't on a break this cycle we would have been sidelined with red tape.

After my third round of Clomid was, predictably, a bust we had to come up with a new plan.  This new plan, an unmedicated IUI cycle, takes things more out of my control than the Clomid cycles... but not in the way you may be thinking.  What is out of control is my husbands' semen analysis.

Yup.  Semen analysis.  I don't produce the semen so I am stressing about it, of course.  I am stressing because my husband has to provide the sample and let's just say he hasn't been a willing patient since he found out.  I expected as much which is why I have been keeping myself busy with trying to get him set up with a new primary care physician and getting him a referral for my RE so insurance will cover the analysis and subsequent IUI.  Insurance is the one that requires the semen analysis, not my doctor.  My doctor needs to submit paperwork to our insurance, for approval, in order for the IUI to be covered.

While spending hours in the last couple of weeks trying to get everything in order for my husband to provide his sample HASN'T been too stressful for me, it HAS defeated the purpose of taking a break.  Trying to have a baby is still at the forefront of my mind when I am constantly on the phone explaining the situation and requesting a referral. 

You are right, I didn't need to make all of these phone calls.  My husband could have done it.  But I took it on knowing that he wasn't thrilled about even providing a semen sample for analysis so I wanted to lessen the burden for him in whatever way I could.

It was last week Tuesday that I received the news about the referral being put in and the semen analysis has yet to take place.  I am a little frustrated by that.  Add that I am in the second half of my cycle and I am can easily become little emotional about it (with that I say a sarcastic thank you to my hormones).  Add also, that I expect to start my next cycle next week which is starting to add pressure to the situation.  It is 5:00 am as I type this, after waking at 4 am and unable to fall back asleep because I cannot stop thinking about missing another cycle if my husband will not cooperate and submit a sample.  Ugh.

When my husband becomes seemingly uncooperative like this I cannot help but to take it personally.  I begin to question whether he even wants kids.  I desperately want kids.  Why else would I put myself through surgery, 5 months of hormones and countless transvaginal ultrasounds?  In times like this I cannot help feeling like I don't have the support of a willing partner that I desperately need.  There are days when I ask myself "why I am putting myself through all of this when he doesn't seem to care as much as I do"  I know that isn't true, of course, but I still feel that way sometimes, especially when he is uncooperative.  Yes, I know a semen analysis isn't pleasant but neither is surgery.  Yes, I know that timed intercourse isn't fun but neither is a transvaginal ultrasound.  Yes, I know that making love to a cup isn't thrilling but neither is a having an Intrauterine Insemination.  If this is a competition I win the "this isn't pleasant, fun, nor thrilling" ribbon.

Just because he doesn't seem to care doesn't mean he doesn't care.  He wants kids.  I know he does.  I think that he tries to mask how much he wants kids because he knows that I may begin to feel guilty about not being about to give him one yet.  It's obviously a problem with me that has put us in this situation but I haven't felt guilty about it like other women that suffer from recurrent miscarriages do.  I think that me being 'guilt-free' has largely been because he doesn't express a strong, verbal interest in having kids.  Its a blessing and a curse.  Some days I really need him to verbally express interest in having kids and also demonstrating his desires by providing support, reassurance and a sperm sample.

Is he afraid of the results?  I could understand that if we had never been pregnant before but obviously his swimmers are just fine.  They have been successful at least three times now.  What is the hang up, besides the obvious?

This month marks one year since I have been pregnant.  This is quite emotional for me.  One year ago I was reassuring myself with the idea that a take-home baby would be in our future soon.  Yet here I am one year later, no closer than we were a year ago, not even pregnant.  We have only had 3 cycles of trying in past 12 cycles.  (It is awful seeing that typed out) 

This year has brought much progress with a whole new team of doctors, a diagnosis of subclinical hypothyroidism and uterine polyp removal surgery.  It has also brought much heartache and disappointment with three failed clomid cycles and the recommendation of an IUI.  We have come a long way but it has been more of a marathon than I expected to be running one year ago when I was hoping to be pregnant and thinking that I was running a sprint.

I'd like my marathon to be over but right now I'd settle for the semen analysis sprint to be over so I can focus on something more productive and positive.  A positive pregnancy test in July, for example. 

Rainbow:      Writing this post has made me feel a little better today.

Rainshower: I am not promising that tomorrow will be good or even ok.

Acupuncture

I've done it.  I had my first acupuncture experience yesterday.  I am on my way to better 'chi'

They were quite concerned about my cold feet and had a strange fascination with the appearance of my tongue.

The acupuncture itself wasn't bad at all.  Although the needles on my feet did hurt going in and throbbed while I laid relaxing.  I was told that the lite throbbing was an indication of things working as they should.

Overall I enjoyed the experience.  I plan on going weekly until at least the end of July or early August which is after my IUI and through that TWW.

I am doing the acupuncture simply to help combat my anxiety pre-ovulation and in the TWW.  I don't think it will magically make a baby stick but think that it may help my nerves as we navigate into uncharted territory for us.

Rainshower:  This isn't a quick fix

Rainbow:   Acupuncture will help me relax and not obsess with all things TTC.

What's Next? IUI's

After three failed rounds of Clomid we are going to be doing an unmediated, monitored cycle with an IUI.  We will be using a HCG trigger shot to help time ovulation and an IUI as well as progesterone support after ovulation.

I feel pretty good about this plan.

We will try this in my next cycle, so sometime in July.  We are taking a break in this current cycle unless we have a change of heart during my fertile window.  Who knows? The idea is to not stress about it this month. My husband is busy and stressed with work and I work myself up as I approach ovulation.  We will see if we can actually be stress-free about it this month.  

Our plan without medication... I am both relieved and concerned about it all at the same time.  I DO like the idea of a medicated cycle in order to produce multiple eggs and multiple targets for the sperm.  I do NOT like the idea of a medicated cycle simply because of the emotional turmoil I frequently find myself in.  Those dreaded side effects really do hit me like a ton of bricks.

While this new IUI plan sounds great on paper, life does have a way of getting in the way of well-laid plans.  My husband is a busy guy.  Fingers crossed our IUI is 'convenient' for his schedule.... Look at me! I'm stressing about it already and it is  5 weeks away!  I just can't stop myself from worrying.

Rainbow:      We have a good plan in place.  

Rainshower: It stinks that I stiilcan't relax on our 'break'.  I'm just built to worry and overthink and doubt and self sabotage.  I sound like such a mess.

Sometimes,

When I say "I'm okay,"

I want someone 

to look me in the eyes,

Hug me tight,

and say,

"I know

You are not"

14 DPO. The TWW is over.

Negative.  Just like I thought.

I tested yesterday and got the negative results.  I didn't bother to test again today.  I go in for my blood test tomorrow for the confirmation.  I don't intend to confirm the inevitable before the phone call from the Doctors Office tomorrow afternoon.  I wonder what the nurse will say when I tell her that we are taking a month off and that I refuse to do Clomid anymore?  I see a Doctor's Appointment in my near future (to talk about what our other options are).

Honestly, I am ok with the negative test.  I have never had a strong 'this is it' feeling this month and was never really confident about our timing and the absence of EWCM.  I am just happy that the two week wait is over and that I will be taking a break from the hormones the next cycle.  I am excited to relax a little, be myself (since I have been on hormones almost constantly since January) and enjoy the summer a little bit before starting to try again.

Yes, I have moments of longing and sadness but I know my positive test is right around the corner.  I just know it.  2013 will bring me a positive test and a sticky baby.

This is the point in my cycle where optimism it at it's highest and I LOVE it.  I wish I could fell a little less obsessed during the TWW but I don't think that will ever really happen.  I'm just that way.

Rainshower:   I wish I was pregnant, of course.
Rainbow:       I am still optimistic and looking forward to what this summer brings.


 

I'm going triphasic again

Just like last month my chart is going triphasic. Tomorrow it will be officially triphasic.  Big deal.  It's just the progesterone. Again.

I still do not believe for a minute that I am pregnant.  But deep down I hope I am wrong.

I will be testing tomorrow.  80% of people that test on 12 DPO get a positive if they are pregnant.  Oh, the odds game again.

Rainbow       It's not over until its over.

Rainshower   I don't have much hope at this point in my cycle.  I almost feel like stopping to progesterone and just getting my old self back in the next unmediated cycle.

The Word of the Day: Blastocyst

I'm 7 DPO.  I could have a blastocyst in my uterus right now;)  What's a blastocyst?  Well, first comes the zygote - what forms immediately after the egg & sperm fuse.  Cells divides, divide more, and then becomes a morula.  Once it reaches the uterus it is called a blastocyst.  Here are a couple of nice timelines that I refer to during my two week wait:

timeline from ovulation to implantation
timeline from ovulation to implantation

It makes me feel better about symptoms, lack of symptoms, progesterone symptoms, BBT chart analysis, general obsession, etc.

Up next: Trophoblast & Chorion.  The chorion is what secretes HCG.  Who knows when it is referred to an embryo?!

So I am 7 DPO and eating like a pig.  Thank you progesterone supplementation. :(


I still haven't tested out my HCG trigger - I am hoping to make it to 12 DPO before I test.  Five more long days.

Is a psychic next?

I was thinking about all of these things you hear about doing in the TWW to boost your odds (pineapple core, etc.) and I got to thinking about something else I have heard about on babycenter.com forums.

Baby Psychics.

Psychics that actually tell you how many children you will have, which month they will be conceived/born, etc.

I just may do it.  'Why not' is the theme of the month already.  I may as well do something that could be fun, right?

It's just another thing to keep my mind filled during this two week wait.

I'll take it with a grain of salt if I do in fact go ahead with it.

Pineapple Core, Brazil Nuts & Red Raspberries

Pineapple core to aid implantation.
Brazil nuts to aid implantation.
Red raspberries to increase blood flow to the uterus.

I'm all in.  Why not?

I also used mucinex and softcups this month too.  I am throwing everything at it.  What do I have to lose?  This may be our last shot on clomid since I do not want to take it anymore.  The doctor will have a hard time trying to convince me to give it another try.

This begs the question - what's next?  I don't know. 

It is a great question for the doctor.  Would we try Femara or just go natural with progesterone supplementation?   Acupuncture or another method for improving egg quality?  IUI?

I'd love for these questions to be moot but right now it is what is on my mind while I wait to see if we caught the egg.

Rainbow:  I am doing something that makes me feel good about our chances, like I am doing something.
Rainshower:  My husband thinks I am nutty for eating pineapple core but something tells me he would rather me be pineapple core nutty than see me with clomid rage like I have had this cycle.  Just a hunch ;)

Only One Egg :(

When I went for my ultrasound on the morning of CD10 I was told I had only one dominant follicle (on the left).  

Some people may be thrilled with this but I was a little disappointed because the idea behind me being on Clomid is to make more 'targets'.  Plus, having two fertilize doesn't mean two will implant, nor does it mean both will make it full term (especially with my history).

So I was a little bummed.

Then I thought about it a little more that afternoon... Maybe I ovulated one of the eggs from the other side on my own prior to the ultrasound.  This is entirely possible considering that the first Clomid cycle had me ovulating PRIOR to CD 10. But who knows.

Only time will tell.

Rainbow: I'm making lemonade from lemons these days.  Whatever it takes.

Rainshower: It is more than likely that this mythical second egg is just a figment of my imagination.

3 DPO of Clomid Cycle #3

I am 3 DPO, I think and hope.

I'm calm right now. Much less monstrous.  Not at all monstrous, really.

I had some very light spotting yesterday afternoon.  Ovulation spotting I am assuming, which is rare for me.  Some people may like to see this but not me this month.  I am hopeful that I ovulated Sunday.  Seeing the spotting on Tuesday does not put my mind at ease however because of timing.

Regardless, I have decided that I will not be testing out the HCG trigger shot this time around.  And that I will be waiting until 12 DPO, Friday May 31, to begin testing.  I am hopeful I will be able to resist the temptation to test earlier knowing that I may get a false positive from the trigger shot.

The wait begins.

My blood test is Monday, June 3.

I have a feeling that my VIP fertility friend account will be my best friend in the coming days.

Rainbow:  I ovulated.  I think.

Rainshower: I am not too optimistic due to timing and after trigger BBT chart values as of late. 

Clomid - NEVER Again

Never again will I be putting myself through this emotional train wreck that is Clomid.  I have had enough.  I've had enough of ALL of the hormones that I have been on for the last 5 months.  I have become a monster this cycle.  A Monster.

I also haven't believed for one minute that this cycle may end up with a BFP at the end of this dreadful cycle.  I have been buried at work, working major overtime, so I could not express these feelings earlier.  I have been obsessed with my lack of Cervical Mucus while on Clomid.  Without it I just don't have a good feeling about these cycles.  The first month of Clomid, fresh off surgery and a estadriol and provera hormone cocktail, I ovulated on CD10 or CD9 on my own before being monitored.  No CM in sight for that cycle - BFN.  Round Two of Clomid had me ovulate on CD12 the day after the trigger shot, no CM whatsoever - BFN.  This Cycle, Round Three, I am on par to ovulate today, CD11, and AGAIN I have no CM to speak off despite my efforts.

I have been taking 1200mg of the active ingredient in Mucinex since Tuesday.  Not successful for me.  I'm not sure if it is because I also have a cold right now and it isn't as effective as if I were well or not.  Regardless, I am not feeling great about our chances this time around.

Why am I feeling defeated already?  Well, the first two times we got pregnant I had an abundance of EWCM on ovulation day.  I am convinced that it was a major factor in our success those cycles.  It helps the sperm get to where it needs to go.  Yes, there is pre-seed, which we have been using, but it is just a substitute for the real thing and it 'wears off' sooner than natural EWCM. 

Before this cycle my husband and I decided that we would give Clomid a try this cycle and take the next cycle off.  We need a break.  Him for work, me for my sanity.  I am glad we have already made that decision.  I was never more in need of a break from these hormones.  I cannot stand myself any longer.  Hopelessness has begun to take over and that is not good.  I almost feel like giving up completely.  And that breaks my heart.

Rainbow: We are almost in the two week wait
Rainshower:  My mood and emotions this cycle are not helped by Mother's Day and another pregnancy announcement of a friend.  When is rains it pours.

On to the next cycle - Clomid cycle

So I am on CD 2 now.  We are going to do another round of Clomid and hope for the best.

I have been insanely busy at work this past week.  Monday I had my blood test and am officially 'not pregnant'.  I knew that already but was still nervous about the test.

I was nervous about the test because I was afraid they would call me back and tell me I was pregnant but only barely pregnant (a very low number) which just means very early miscarriage.  The things I worry about, right?  But really that IS possible.  It is what happened to me with my third miscarriage.  I tested negative right up to when I expected my period and then got my period (or what I thought was a light period at the time) only to find out a week or so later that I was having a miscarriage.

At least now I know that 'blood test day' will always be worrisome for me regardless of the information I know going into it.

I was disappointed that we didn't end up pregnant.  There were two eggs so double the opportunity but I guess it wasn't meant to be.

So this time, this cycle, I am going to go all out before we take a one month break.

Here's the plan:

100mg Clomid on days 3-7.

Baby aspirin.

Preseed.  

Guaifenesin/mucinex. 

Softcups.

Pineapple core.

Brazil nuts.

Red raspberries.

Mother's Day is here and I am thankful to be TTCing right now.  It keeps me occupied with positive thoughts of the future rather than dwelling on the negative and what should have been and ages and due dates and the comparisons to other people.

Rainbow:     It's a fresh start.

Rainshower: I will be empty handed on mothers day yet again

My POAS withdrawal is over

I peed on a stick this morning. BFN. Boo.

As soon as the BFN was evident I immediately regretted the decision to test. I was in a funk for the next few hours.

I searched Fertility Friend to no end looking for other people's promising charts. You know the search "negative HPT before positive HPT." Ugh.

The shred of hope I am still clinging to is that I just don't have enough HCG in my system yet. Heck, I never even saw a positive pregnancy test with my third pregnancy/miscarriage. The blood test from the doctor confirmed it after I called about my prolonged, abnormal bleeding.

So, I'm not out yet but I am not too hopeful at this point. I am 12 DPO after all.

Rainbow: It's not over until its over.
Rainshower: I'm not too hopeful that we were lucky this month.

Why wouldn't it work this month?

So I've done some math. I did it more to track our number of TTC cycles (to input when submitting a chart to Fertility Friend) and it has really made me think.

Counting our three miscarriages we have been successful in getting pregnant 3 times in the 7 cycles we tried. Most of our unsuccessful cycles were between our 2nd and 3rd miscarriage. The first two pregnancies happened on our first try. Pretty unbelievable, right?

Those odds are good. So why shouldn't it work this time with Clomid? I hate statistics but this one begs to be calculated.

We have a 43% success rate in getting pregnant overall. That's much higher than the 15% monthly chance someone my age generally has. I know that isn't comparing apples to apples but it is still worth mentioning.

I'm taking this as a positive. IF we got pregnant this cycle we would have a 50% TTC success rate... If next month it would be 44%.

Perhaps I am grasping at straws here. Can you blame me? I haven't peed on a stick since Wednesday. I am blaming the 'pee on a stick' withdrawal for this madness.

It's looking like I'll be testing tomorrow morning.

My, how things change in a matter of hours.

Rainbow: I found a statistic I like.
Rainshower: This statistic could ultimately become less and less favorable as the months go by. I may grow to hate that actually did this math.

Who cares if my chart is triphasic? -Not me!

Hormones have taken over.

I am not feeling as great as I was at 9 DPO. I am moody and tired. I am on the fence about the possibility of being pregnant. One minute I think I am, the next I think not.

My chart is still triphasic but I'm not reading too much into it. Fertility Friend even told me that my progesterone supplementation could be causing the higher temps. I tend to agree today.

I will probably test tomorrow or Sunday. I'd like to wait until Sunday but I can't say what I'll want to do when tomorrow morning comes. I'll probably cave and test.

My blood draw is Monday. So it will then be official, either way.

Rainshower: My mood has soured.
Rainbow: I am proud of myself. I have handled this two week very well.

9 DPO and Triphasic?

So my BBT chart is on the verge of going triphasic. If I have another high temp tomorrow it will be triphasic.

I'm cautiously optimistic about this.

If I had more pregnancy symptoms I might be more excited about it but in the back of my mind I just don't feel like I'm pregnant. I'm feeling too good. Plus I am attributing the temperate shift to my Clomid and progesterone cocktail. My pre-o temps were higher as a result of Clomid so it is logical to conclude that progesterone is doing the same thing to my post-temps.

Rainbow: I am in the most calm TWW I have ever had. It is a nice for a change.

Rainshowers: Things can change so quickly.

I Just Don't Fit In.

It has been an interesting few days.  I cannot take my mind off the possibility that I may become pregnant this cycle.  I have been a google freak and cannot get off the computer.  You name it and I've done it in the last 24 hours - youtube, babycenter.com, fertility friend chart anaylsis (for hours)., pinterest, blogs, BFP stories.  I even signed up for a YEAR of VIP fertility friend.  A year.  I figured that if I signed up I'd certainly find out I'm pregnant on May 6 or before.  I am obsessed.  But to be honest, as the days go by I am more and more doubtful that I will turn up pregnant this month.  Oh, the joys of the two-week-wait.  Thankfully I have this blog to refer back to when I get discouraged and feel down.  Which I certainly was this weekend. BUT I'm in a great mood today. I'm convinced I'm not pregnant and I'm ok with it. I'm feeling good and my skin is great this cycle. PLUS Clomid didn't cause any crazy side effects like last time. I am so grateful for that.

This weekend I was reminded that it is "National Infertility Awareness Week."  I associate with this label yet I do not meet the true criteria of being infertile.  I am not infertile.  I ovulate, I can get pregnant (for a little while at least).  I just cannot STAY pregnant.  It is painful for me that I don't belong in a 'group' as widely known as the infertile's.  I'm in the 1% recurrent miscarriage group.  That's me - 3 early losses here (so far).  Sense my worry about not being able to break the cycle? 

While I am proud that people are bringing awareness to infertility with this dedicated week and the tireless efforts of Resolve - I cannot help but be reminded that I just do not fit in.  I'm in the 1% and it is a lonely place to be.  It is not so much that I want to fit into a group, because I have never really fit in to groups.  I am a loaner and I'm perfectly fine with that.  I just do not have many people to relate to.  (Not to be confused with sympathy from).  I genuinely have no one that truly understands what I am going through because I'm in such a small percentage.

Because of this I guard myself - which doesn't do me any favors.  It is especially hard when I DO open up to people about my situation (normally after I know they have dealt with infertility and are now pregnant).  I tend to NOT want to talk to pregnant women about my history because I do not want to freak them out and make them worry but sometimes it just has to come up.... like when they say:
    
Friend:  "Now you're next, right?"
Me:       "We've been at it since 2011 but have some unique circumstances. I could fill you in but I don't want to freak out a pregnant lady with my story"
Friend:  "we had some very unique circumstances too..."
"Hang in there with things! just when you think it won't happen, miraculously it will. It's the most amazing experience and makes the day you actually get pregnant that much more precious!"  (This one is the tear jerker that makes me feel like I now have to explain my 'circumstances')

I swear I set myself up for this sort of response.    Yup, just when I think it won't happen I'll get pregnant. 

Wait. 

What? 

That's not my problem.  I can get that far.  I wish this were the case with me though.

At the time my friend didn't know about my miscarriages - just that I have 'unique circumstances'.  I'm in the business of educating people, I guess.  I cannot even relate to infertile's and that makes me sad.  I know she had the best of intentions but it still hurts.  It hurts that it doesn't work that way for me.

It's a process.  One step forward, two steps back.  I open up and then I shut up.   

I am sure and 'infertile' or two has thought "at least you can GET pregnant" or "at least you can keep trying and trying and hope that one of them will stick."  I understand that.  I do.  You will upset me and I will upset you.  But at the end of the day we both want the same things for one another :)

We all have our own rainshowers and rainbows.

It's Cycle Day 14: 2 DPO

So I ovulated. On Monday. It was CD 12. I'm guessing it was in the evening or a night. Not sure exactly why I feel that way though.

I ovulated TWO eggs. Two lucky eggs as the result of 100mg of Clomid and the HCG trigger shot.

Yes!

Not only did I ovulate two eggs but I had one heck of an LH surge. I had VERY positive OPKs for three days. THREE days.

That never happens to me on my own. Normally, on an unmediated cycle, I will get a mostly positive OPK (but not obviously positive) once and that is the day I ovulate. By the way, I do test twice a day once the OPKs begin getting darker - so I know I'm not missing the peak of my surge.

This time I had such an obvious OPK that I was proud of those tests. I even showed it off to my husband, which I never do. I'm waiving around sticks I peed on - this is my life now:)

In a little googling I have come to learn that having such a strong LH surge can imply two eggs are going to ovulate.

I also speculate that maybe the lack of a strong LH surge on my own indicates that I have had eggs in the past that were strong enough to ovulate and actually get fertilized but too weak (under developed?) to implant themselves properly.

Fingers crossed that we caught one of these strong eggs and that it can find a cozy place in my uterus to settle in for the long haul.

Tonight I begin progesterone support.

I have a blood test on May 6 but I'll definitely begin testing sooner.

Oh, I'm also testing out my HCG trigger shot so I do not get a false positive test.

Today is a good day.

Rainshower: The dreaded two-week wait begins.
Rainbow: I'm thrilled that I have two eggs that ovulated with a greater potential to fertilize and implant

fear and self loathing

I am afraid. I don't ordinarily allow myself to be be afraid, but right now I am afraid.

I am fearful that even if I do get pregnant with Clomid that there is a chance it may not work out. That doesn't scare me as much as the thought of it NEVER working out though. (Meaning I may never bring a child into the world)

I am fearful also that this will be another whack-o cycle and we will miss our shot at even getting pregnant.

My fear is ordinarily reserved for 'will I get pregnant this time?' and 'will I make it to six weeks/8 weeks/etc.?'

Not often does fear of a future with no children cross my mind but when it does, good old self loathing comes to the surface too.  It's really a debilitating combo. And especially debilitating in the two week wait - which I'm not even in yet.  I'm waiting to ovulate or just ovulated.

I gave myself the HCG Trigger shot last night and had a positive OPK this morning and I'm nervous ALREADY.  My mood swings aren't as bad as during the first round, thankfully, but I can feel myself unraveling if I allow myself to get too caught up in a negative thought.  I'm feeling pretty good physically but emotionally is another story.

Oh, the life I lead.  It's too stressful most of the time.  It is as though my life revolves around having a baby, raising a baby, getting pregnant, dressing a baby bump, designing a nursery.  I'm steps ahead of myself most of the time.  I can't help it - it's just the way I am. 

I am so afraid that we won't get pregnant this cycle.  It is a debilitating, irrational fear but one I cannot shake.  The thought of going through this month after month AGAIN is too daunting to even write more about it.  Add the fact that I cannot take Clomid indefinitely and that adds a lot of pressure.  Pressure for me and pressure for my husband.  The pressure can be a huge problem.     

Can you imagine the two week wait I am in store for if I'm already this anxious? 

Rainbow:      All hope is not lost
Rainshower:  Nothing seems to be going my way.

It's Cycle Day 5: Day 3 of Clomid

I'm not going to lie I'm terrified of the beast I will inevitably become.

I am nervous that the increase from 50mg to 100mg will push me over the edge and make me completely unbearable to be around.

My first Clomid cycle was no walk in the park. I didn't have hot flashes or cramping too badly, but boy did I have mood swings. THAT is what I am again scared of.

BUT so far so good. I am going through the motions.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for CD9 to see how my follicles are progressing. Fingers crossed that I don't ovulate so soon this time around. CD10 was no bueno.

Oh. I forgot. I had a baseline ultrasound in CD3. I have 10 antral follicles on the left and 7 antral follicles on the right.

That is all for now. Let the madness come forth in time.

Baby-Brain

It's a slow day at the office. This allows baby-brain to take center stage.

I like to be busy. I prefer to be busy.

Busy makes the day go faster and doesn't allow baby-brain to take over.

I am not a fan of slow days like today and the baby-brain thoughts that creep into my head.

So far today:
I've calculated my due date and trimester dates for my next cycle which is still a week away.

I've thought about WHEN my baby shower would be if the next cycle is THE cycle.

I've looked at and edited my maternity savings calculation excel document.

I've logged onto babycenter.com a half dozen times to read BFP stories.

I haven't stopped refreshing my YouTube feed for new videos from the TTC community I follow.

I've visualized the nursery and the buys I need to look out for during this garage sale season. Yup I already have it designed in my head.

I've contemplated the impending hormonal mess I will again become on Clomid Cycle #2. I'm quite scared that an increased dose will increase my level of crazy.

I've visited my secret 'baby board' on Pinterest to look at my maternity clothes pins as well as adding new 'hospital bag' blogposts from new mommies.

And it's still only 3:40pm. Two more hours to fill. Two more hours to obsess. Two more hours for doubt to set in. Two more hours to potentially fall apart.

Yup. That's baby-brain alright.

Rainbow: I'm thankful that we are able to TTC again. Having this sort of baby brain is better than the self loathing when we were benched from it.

Rainshower: I have a life outside of TTCing that unfortunately gets pushed to the background on days like today. Not good.

The Game Plan for Clomid Cycle #2

So I ovulated yesterday. I'm pretty sure I did, I should say.

Now I am awaiting my next cycle.

The next cycle will be the Second Clomid Cycle. Interestingly, my RE is upping my Clomid dose to 100mg. I will go in for a baseline ultrasound on CD3 and will start Clomid that night.

I was a little surprised that he is upping my dosage but he had a look at everything that happened in my first, and utterly wonky, Clomid cycle so I know he has a grasp at the big picture of those findings. I trust him though, so if he says up it we then will go ahead and follow his recommendation.

We sat out this cycle. Mainly because I want to do as our RE stated at our first appointment with him. "Set us up for success," he said. Bring on the success :)

I'm expecting my next cycle to begin on April 11. We will see if I'm right.

Me, The Human Pin Cushion

I had blood drawn today.  To confirm that I am not pregnant.  It's office protocol.

Another blood test.  As I was leaving the office it occurred to me that I no longer have a phobia of needles in the least bit. 

When I had my first blood draw I was 17 or 18 and terrified.  I only had my blood drawn a few times in my 20's and was almost as terrified.  Now that I am in my 30's I feel like a human pin cushion.  It really doesn't even bother me anymore either.  It is like flying I guess.  I was terrified about that in the beginning too.  I didn't fly at all when I was young and only took my second flight while in college.  Now I have a frequent flier account.  I have no fear while flying much like I have no fear of the blood draw.

I'm not modest in the least anymore at the doctors office either.   I've had more transvaginal ultrasounds than I can count.  Not to mention my HSG and sonohystogram.  I'm viewing this all as practice and preparation for a real-life pregnancy.  I will be bulletproof soon.

If you couldn't tell, I'm looking for my silver-lining because I am a little down right now.  I'm not sure what it is but I'm consumed with all-things-pregnant these days.  youtube, babycenter, pinterest, blogger, maternity clothes.  I am obsessed.

I assume I will get a call from the doctor tomorrow with the results and next steps.  I half expect him to want to see me in his office for an appointment to talk about what the heck happened during my first clomid cycle.  I sort of already know what happened - the provera messed me up.

I'm looking forward to what tomorrow will bring.

Rainbow:      My hormones are finally under control again.  The clomid has left my system, just in time for an awful cold to settle in.
Rainshower:  It is unfortunate that I have to look for these silver-linings month after month.

Hindsight is 20/20

I touched on this topic in my post a few days ago about how our first Clomid cycle was a bust before it was even over.

On the bright side I didn't really have much of a two-week wait to agonize over because it was only 4 days after ovulation that I started my period. Surprising, right?

In hindsight I should have known better than to jumpstart my period with provera because I respond so poorly to hormones BUT when you want a baby it is hard to think rationally all the time.

You see, that month, that first cycle after my surgery, was our last shot at a '2013 baby'. Now we will be working on a '2014 baby'. What's the big deal?

It's the psychology of it all.

We have been at this since 2011. Our first baby would have been a '2012 baby'. Our second baby 2012, too. Our third baby would have been a '2013 baby'.

It didn't help that it took 6 LONG months to conceive our third baby.

It also didn't help having to sit sidelined for 8 months while trying to be diagnosed with a subclinical hypothyroid disorder and the discovery of a uterine polyp (& surgery) after our third loss.

You can't blame a girl for being anxious to get started again, can you?

We are moving ahead though.

After my mandated pregnancy test on Monday I will have a better idea of what our next steps are. My RE is making me take a pregnancy test even though the odds of sustaining a pregnant through my period have to be minuscule. Rules are rules. FYI - I KNOW I'm not pregnant because I take my basal body temperature every morning.

I'm interested in hearing my RE's thoughts about why my cycle was wonky and if he will recommend a change in our approach considering I ovulated SO soon on the first round of Clomid. Only time will tell.

Rainshower: I'm waiting for another period. It seems I have had a period for an entire month.

Rainbow: I am determined that 2014 is the year of the baby:)

Warning: Fertility drugs and alcohol do not mix

A word to the wise: fertility drugs and alcohol do NOT mix.

I thought that when my husband suggested that we go out to eat and that I should have TWO margaritas - it was a good idea (in fact NOT a good idea).

Oh boy.

I'm drunk. i'm not beating around the bush. I'm a wasted,emotional mess. I'm a crying heap of a woman. It stinks. I'm already feeling bad about tomorrow and it still TODAY.

It's official. This cycle is a bust :(

Hindsight is 20/20.

I should have known my body would need time to come off all the hormones before putting it back on hormones with Clomid.

I shouldn't have even used Provera to induce my period in the first place. I should have just waited it out and let the hormones work themselves out of my system.

My body is thoroughly confused.

My spotting has turned to more of a light period yesterday which has worsened today. FYI, I'm on/should be on CD 14!

I called the Doctor this morning. He thinks its best to stop the progesterone and just wait it out. I completely agree.

No 2013 baby for us.

One minute I'm upset the next I'm completely fine with this bump in the road. These damn hormones are making me weepy, with good reason.

To top it all off, a good friend just announced that she's pregnant. And with twins. I was completely surprised that she was pregnant, let alone with twins. I was extremely excited for her but in that next instant I was completely jealous.

Now I wait and see. I'm still a year away from a baby. Always a year.

This is my life. I live it as best I can.

Rainshower: There will be no 2013 baby for us, just a UTI and a never-ending period for me.

Rainbow: My friend is expecting twins!

I'm discouraged already

Unfortunately the Provera had messed with my hormones as I suspected.

Let me backtrack: I was prescribed the Provera to induce my period after restraining it with Estradiol after my polyp removal surgery. I had a feeling all of these hormones were going to throw me out of balance even before i started the Clomid but I wanted to follow my Doctors orders.

Now, I'm 3DPO and I STILL have what I would call a light period. I've been bleeding and at least spotting since March 1 (13 days now).

I'm not so much worried about the spotting (because i know the cause-all the medication) as I am about whether my uterus is a warm and welcoming place right now. I'm leaning towards that NOT being the case.

I may discouraged right now but I am hopeful that the progesterone I start tonight will help to stop this spotting. Fingers crossed.

I'm hopeful that this spotting will cease just in time for my hopefully-fertilized-egg (fingers crossed) to enter the uterus because I know it takes 3-4 days just to move through my Fallopian tubes.

Oh the things I have learned in my many two-week-waits!

Another day, another surprise

A urinary tract infection. Yup, Lucky me.

First it was a persistent low-grade fever (which I still have), then hunger pangs and hot flashes, next was early ovulation and now I have a urinary tract infection to go along with my agitation at anyone who is speaking. Just peachy. I am soooo thrilled.

Tomorrow night (3DPO) I start progesterone to boot. I wonder what THAT will bring?

Ugh.

Strangely this UTI makes me optimistic. I know it's possible to get pregnant while taking my antibiotics. I know because I have done it before. My third pregnancy was accompanied by a UTI in the TWW. Granted it did not end as we hoped but there are a few differences this cycle over that one (most importantly my thyroid is under control, I'm also Clomid and progesterone).

Call me superstitious, but I think this UTI might be the luck I need this cycle :)

Rainshower: I'm physically miserable in many ways.
Rainbow: I'm still hopeful that this might be the last time I toil over this two week wait. We shall see.

I ovulated on CD10?!?! Are you kidding me?

Holy Moly! 

I went in for my CD10 ultrasound to check the size and count the number of follicles and came out thinking that I wasn't responding well to the 50 mg of clomid I took on CD4-8.  The ultrasound tech told me that I had 2 cysts (of untold size) on my left ovary, and 10 follicles (between both ovaries) all under 10 mm so I was scheduled to come in again on CD 13 to be checked again.  I left the appointment a little disheartened because from what I have read about other peoples experiences they at least had follicles that were larger than 10 mm.  I thought "oh, no.  Now I'm going to be ovulating while out of state and won't be able to be monitored as closely as I had wanted."  This is my first round of clomid after all, and I wanted to be sure that I don't get hyper stimulated and produce too many eggs.

I went home, did some goggling of course, and really started to get down about this cycle.  I know, I know, it was too soon for that but I just did not expect to get those ultrasound results.  Remember, I DO ovulate on my own regularly.  The clomid was just for an extra shot at conceiving quickly and more so with stronger eggs.

Well, fast forward a couple of hours and I get a call from the nurse.  She says, "the doctor on-call has looked at your chart and she thinks that you just ovulated.  Have sex today!"  WHAT?!

I'm so confused. 

She told me that those cysts weren't bad.  They were actually the good kind of cysts.  Like the kind that are just about to ovulate.   I was dumbfounded.  Apparently I responded WELL to the clomid.  Too well?  In one way I think 'too well' because I'm not sure how many dominant follicles I had and how many eggs had the potential to pop.  More worry about hyperstimulation.  Also, worry about potentially having only one egg to work with.  I realize that is a contradiction.  I guess the bigger issue is all of the unknowns that go along with ovulating before being monitored. 

Something I left out when initially speaking about my ultrasound was that the ultrasound tech was puzzled when she was measuring the cysts on my left ovary.  She did a double take and remeasured one of the cysts because it shrank in front of her eyes.  She showed me a side-by-side comparison with the photos she took as she measured.  It was amazing to see the difference.  At the time I thought "Good.  Go away cyst" but after hearing from the nurse later in the afternoon and telling my husband the whole story he looked at me and said "the ultrasound tech watched you ovulate!" 

Holy Moly!  I just have to believe that was what happened.  It makes sense.  It was there at the beginning of the ultrasound and gone by the end.  I watched myself ovulate on the ultrasound screen.  What are the odds of THAT?!

So, I guess I am 1 DPO already.  Wow!  Thank goodness I opted for a CD10 ultrasound instead of the CD11 one.  We caught it in the nick of time.

Rainshower: I have more questions than answers right now.
Rainbow:      I'm already in my TWW!  Thankfully I have a busy week and a half ahead of me to keep my mind off of all-things-baby.

Clomid begins & my husband has the flu

Yup. I started Clomid last night (a day late but that's a different story). I'm excited but nervous at the same time. Not the nervous you may expect though.

I'm nervous because my husband has the flu. (Not the stomach flu but that other flu. I've never had that type of flu so what do I know.) I'm nervous because I don't want to get the flu too. I would likely be at the peak of my flu symptoms or on the upswing when I ovulate. Boooo!

I'm determined not to let it stop us from TTC though. I'm taking Clomid so we have to try. I don't want to waste a medicated cycle because of illness. That would just make all of the side effects pointless. And I've already written about how I feel about pointless side effects.

Sorry for the rant. I just needed to get it out and also update about starting Clomid.

Rainbows: I was cleared to start Clomid. Being nervous about getting the flu might actually be nicer than the other things I could be nervous about right now.

Rain showers: Illness threatens to derail this cycle. There is plenty pf time for cycle nerves to settle in.

It's CD2 and I've never been happier about that

So the waiting is over. It's CD2. It's on!

I'm excited start the process again with my new team of doctors that I have full confidence in.

How convenient that CD1 is March 1. Coincidence? I think not:)

Here's the plan:
Sunday, CD3 - baseline ultrasound
Tuesday, CD5 - begin 50 mg Clomid (Clomiphene) on days 5-9
CD10 or 11 - first ultrasound to measure follicle(s)
Ultrasounds from there until ovulation
Ovidrel shot (unless we are away traveling)
Progesterone (Crinone) after confirmed ovulation.

Wish me luck with my Clomid side effects. I anticipate becoming a hormonal mess for the entire month of March. BUT I'm much happier with the hormonal mess I may become than the hormonal mess I have been after my polyp removal surgery. It is with a purpose. There is a possible positive outcome associated with the side effects. So I will suck it up and get through it. I will do as I tell my husband, "suck it up Nancy."

Rainshower: We are back on the TTC merry-go-round. There is no telling how long we will be here but we are hopeful that it happens quickly, of course.

Rainbow: We have a new plan with new Doctors and a fresh start. Fingers crossed.