On Some Days it is difficult to Hold It Together

I haven't written in awhile.  We are not pregnant despite my optimism early in the waiting period.  As I approached the end of the wait I just had a feeling the test would be negative.

I wasn't upset.  I was more focused on my husbands follow up SA.  

Those results came back fine as I hoped and expected.  

I had my CD3 ultrasound a couple of days ago.  I still have a small cyst BUT it is small enough that my doctor is going to let me do a trigger shot this cycle. Yippee?

Yesterday our IUI was approved by our insurance.  

These are all good things.

However today is not a good day.  There is no particular reason for my sadness today but it may have to do with me looking ahead, reflecting on the past and looking into the success rates of an IUI.  Honestly the success rates aren't all that great when you are going the unmediated route as we are.  I know that everyone is different and that WE probably have good odds of success but I am just feeling sad today that I am not pregnant.

It's days like today that I would like to be at home snuggling with a child. 

I told a coworker that we would probably do three IUIs before moving on to IVF (I imagine that my Doctor will recommend this route if we are unsuccessful after 3 IUIs).  Saying that to someone, out loud, rather than just constantly thinking it really affected me today.

The idea that we may still be at this 4 months from now is just so sad.  Then there are the thoughts about getting pregnant but not being able to stay pregnant.  

Notice my spiral of negative thoughts today? I do.  I cannot help it though.  I am a worst case scenario person.  Expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised seems to be the theme of 2013.

I have normalized my thyroid levels and had my polyp removed and am hopeful that these things will solve the recurrent miscarriage problem but there is no real way to tell until I actually get pregnant.

I am ready.  Very ready.  To be pregnant.  To stay pregnant.  

Ready.