I Just Don't Fit In.

It has been an interesting few days.  I cannot take my mind off the possibility that I may become pregnant this cycle.  I have been a google freak and cannot get off the computer.  You name it and I've done it in the last 24 hours - youtube, babycenter.com, fertility friend chart anaylsis (for hours)., pinterest, blogs, BFP stories.  I even signed up for a YEAR of VIP fertility friend.  A year.  I figured that if I signed up I'd certainly find out I'm pregnant on May 6 or before.  I am obsessed.  But to be honest, as the days go by I am more and more doubtful that I will turn up pregnant this month.  Oh, the joys of the two-week-wait.  Thankfully I have this blog to refer back to when I get discouraged and feel down.  Which I certainly was this weekend. BUT I'm in a great mood today. I'm convinced I'm not pregnant and I'm ok with it. I'm feeling good and my skin is great this cycle. PLUS Clomid didn't cause any crazy side effects like last time. I am so grateful for that.

This weekend I was reminded that it is "National Infertility Awareness Week."  I associate with this label yet I do not meet the true criteria of being infertile.  I am not infertile.  I ovulate, I can get pregnant (for a little while at least).  I just cannot STAY pregnant.  It is painful for me that I don't belong in a 'group' as widely known as the infertile's.  I'm in the 1% recurrent miscarriage group.  That's me - 3 early losses here (so far).  Sense my worry about not being able to break the cycle? 

While I am proud that people are bringing awareness to infertility with this dedicated week and the tireless efforts of Resolve - I cannot help but be reminded that I just do not fit in.  I'm in the 1% and it is a lonely place to be.  It is not so much that I want to fit into a group, because I have never really fit in to groups.  I am a loaner and I'm perfectly fine with that.  I just do not have many people to relate to.  (Not to be confused with sympathy from).  I genuinely have no one that truly understands what I am going through because I'm in such a small percentage.

Because of this I guard myself - which doesn't do me any favors.  It is especially hard when I DO open up to people about my situation (normally after I know they have dealt with infertility and are now pregnant).  I tend to NOT want to talk to pregnant women about my history because I do not want to freak them out and make them worry but sometimes it just has to come up.... like when they say:
    
Friend:  "Now you're next, right?"
Me:       "We've been at it since 2011 but have some unique circumstances. I could fill you in but I don't want to freak out a pregnant lady with my story"
Friend:  "we had some very unique circumstances too..."
"Hang in there with things! just when you think it won't happen, miraculously it will. It's the most amazing experience and makes the day you actually get pregnant that much more precious!"  (This one is the tear jerker that makes me feel like I now have to explain my 'circumstances')

I swear I set myself up for this sort of response.    Yup, just when I think it won't happen I'll get pregnant. 

Wait. 

What? 

That's not my problem.  I can get that far.  I wish this were the case with me though.

At the time my friend didn't know about my miscarriages - just that I have 'unique circumstances'.  I'm in the business of educating people, I guess.  I cannot even relate to infertile's and that makes me sad.  I know she had the best of intentions but it still hurts.  It hurts that it doesn't work that way for me.

It's a process.  One step forward, two steps back.  I open up and then I shut up.   

I am sure and 'infertile' or two has thought "at least you can GET pregnant" or "at least you can keep trying and trying and hope that one of them will stick."  I understand that.  I do.  You will upset me and I will upset you.  But at the end of the day we both want the same things for one another :)

We all have our own rainshowers and rainbows.

It's Cycle Day 14: 2 DPO

So I ovulated. On Monday. It was CD 12. I'm guessing it was in the evening or a night. Not sure exactly why I feel that way though.

I ovulated TWO eggs. Two lucky eggs as the result of 100mg of Clomid and the HCG trigger shot.

Yes!

Not only did I ovulate two eggs but I had one heck of an LH surge. I had VERY positive OPKs for three days. THREE days.

That never happens to me on my own. Normally, on an unmediated cycle, I will get a mostly positive OPK (but not obviously positive) once and that is the day I ovulate. By the way, I do test twice a day once the OPKs begin getting darker - so I know I'm not missing the peak of my surge.

This time I had such an obvious OPK that I was proud of those tests. I even showed it off to my husband, which I never do. I'm waiving around sticks I peed on - this is my life now:)

In a little googling I have come to learn that having such a strong LH surge can imply two eggs are going to ovulate.

I also speculate that maybe the lack of a strong LH surge on my own indicates that I have had eggs in the past that were strong enough to ovulate and actually get fertilized but too weak (under developed?) to implant themselves properly.

Fingers crossed that we caught one of these strong eggs and that it can find a cozy place in my uterus to settle in for the long haul.

Tonight I begin progesterone support.

I have a blood test on May 6 but I'll definitely begin testing sooner.

Oh, I'm also testing out my HCG trigger shot so I do not get a false positive test.

Today is a good day.

Rainshower: The dreaded two-week wait begins.
Rainbow: I'm thrilled that I have two eggs that ovulated with a greater potential to fertilize and implant

fear and self loathing

I am afraid. I don't ordinarily allow myself to be be afraid, but right now I am afraid.

I am fearful that even if I do get pregnant with Clomid that there is a chance it may not work out. That doesn't scare me as much as the thought of it NEVER working out though. (Meaning I may never bring a child into the world)

I am fearful also that this will be another whack-o cycle and we will miss our shot at even getting pregnant.

My fear is ordinarily reserved for 'will I get pregnant this time?' and 'will I make it to six weeks/8 weeks/etc.?'

Not often does fear of a future with no children cross my mind but when it does, good old self loathing comes to the surface too.  It's really a debilitating combo. And especially debilitating in the two week wait - which I'm not even in yet.  I'm waiting to ovulate or just ovulated.

I gave myself the HCG Trigger shot last night and had a positive OPK this morning and I'm nervous ALREADY.  My mood swings aren't as bad as during the first round, thankfully, but I can feel myself unraveling if I allow myself to get too caught up in a negative thought.  I'm feeling pretty good physically but emotionally is another story.

Oh, the life I lead.  It's too stressful most of the time.  It is as though my life revolves around having a baby, raising a baby, getting pregnant, dressing a baby bump, designing a nursery.  I'm steps ahead of myself most of the time.  I can't help it - it's just the way I am. 

I am so afraid that we won't get pregnant this cycle.  It is a debilitating, irrational fear but one I cannot shake.  The thought of going through this month after month AGAIN is too daunting to even write more about it.  Add the fact that I cannot take Clomid indefinitely and that adds a lot of pressure.  Pressure for me and pressure for my husband.  The pressure can be a huge problem.     

Can you imagine the two week wait I am in store for if I'm already this anxious? 

Rainbow:      All hope is not lost
Rainshower:  Nothing seems to be going my way.

It's Cycle Day 5: Day 3 of Clomid

I'm not going to lie I'm terrified of the beast I will inevitably become.

I am nervous that the increase from 50mg to 100mg will push me over the edge and make me completely unbearable to be around.

My first Clomid cycle was no walk in the park. I didn't have hot flashes or cramping too badly, but boy did I have mood swings. THAT is what I am again scared of.

BUT so far so good. I am going through the motions.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for CD9 to see how my follicles are progressing. Fingers crossed that I don't ovulate so soon this time around. CD10 was no bueno.

Oh. I forgot. I had a baseline ultrasound in CD3. I have 10 antral follicles on the left and 7 antral follicles on the right.

That is all for now. Let the madness come forth in time.

Baby-Brain

It's a slow day at the office. This allows baby-brain to take center stage.

I like to be busy. I prefer to be busy.

Busy makes the day go faster and doesn't allow baby-brain to take over.

I am not a fan of slow days like today and the baby-brain thoughts that creep into my head.

So far today:
I've calculated my due date and trimester dates for my next cycle which is still a week away.

I've thought about WHEN my baby shower would be if the next cycle is THE cycle.

I've looked at and edited my maternity savings calculation excel document.

I've logged onto babycenter.com a half dozen times to read BFP stories.

I haven't stopped refreshing my YouTube feed for new videos from the TTC community I follow.

I've visualized the nursery and the buys I need to look out for during this garage sale season. Yup I already have it designed in my head.

I've contemplated the impending hormonal mess I will again become on Clomid Cycle #2. I'm quite scared that an increased dose will increase my level of crazy.

I've visited my secret 'baby board' on Pinterest to look at my maternity clothes pins as well as adding new 'hospital bag' blogposts from new mommies.

And it's still only 3:40pm. Two more hours to fill. Two more hours to obsess. Two more hours for doubt to set in. Two more hours to potentially fall apart.

Yup. That's baby-brain alright.

Rainbow: I'm thankful that we are able to TTC again. Having this sort of baby brain is better than the self loathing when we were benched from it.

Rainshower: I have a life outside of TTCing that unfortunately gets pushed to the background on days like today. Not good.