Still Seeking a Blazing Positive - Why?

Call me crazy but I really need to see this line darken everyday.  I may not be as dark as if like it to be but at least it is getting darker.  These darkening tests, and regular betas, are what are keeping me calm right now.  

I'm surprisingly calm these days.  Maybe it's because I know that it is out of my control?  Maybe it is because it had been THREE LONG YEARS since I've been pregnant so I'm not obsessing about a possible miscarriage?  Maybe it's because I have a plethora of Doctors all weighing in?  Maybe it's because I have been doing so many different things lately that it feels like my actions are sustaining this pregnancy (read: Lovenox, twice daily)  Who knows.  At least I'm calm.  Maybe I don't need to know why.  

I hope I can continue to be this calm.  It would be such a wonderful change of pace.  A very welcome change.

I'm 15 DPO & my HCG is 139

My HCG this morning came in at 139.  This is good news.  We were looking for at least 116, so 139 means I had a doubling time of 38.1 hours.

Here is today's HPTs.  They aren't distinguishably darker BUT they aren't lighter...excuse the lighting.  It isn't very bright at 5am :)

We are still guarded but today's news is good.  Today is a good day.  Today I am pregnant.

I go back on Friday for another beta.  On Friday we are hoping for 278.  Fingers crossed.

Still darkening

The test is darker than yesterday morning.  Still not a blazing positive but it's progress.  

Compared to 13 DPO...

That's a darker line!

Well, since I have about 25 internet cheapies that expire this month I decided to test after work today.  I prepared myself for the line to be faint, possibly barely there.  You know, worse than this morning.  I was wrong. It was darker. I'm pleasantly surprised.

It's a small victory but I will take it.  

My beta isn't as high as the average of 85 on 13 DPO, like www.betabase.info says, but at least my line is darker.  This website is about to become my best friend and worst enemy.

We are taking it day by day, test after test.  The picture will hopefully become clearer on Wednesday with my second beta.  In the meanwhile, here are today's tests (expired FRER & almost expired Internet cheapies).  Sorry it's upside down.  I blame my camera phone.

I’m 13 DPO & My HCG is 58

Today is Monday, August 10.  This morning I awoke and peed on a stick again.  It’s still positive but no more so than yesterday.   In fact, it is probably fainter than yesterday.  My expectations are set for another miscarriage.  I am protecting my emotional self from becoming too attached too soon and thinking too far into an idyllic future, a future that is quite uncertain today.  

I went in for a bloodtest this morning to see what my levels are.  I’m 13 DPO & My HCG is 58.  I checked the portal.  I haven’t heard from the doctor’s office yet but expect to return for another blood draw on 15 DPO on Wed, August 12

In the meanwhile I will continue taking my pre-natals, vitamins, baby aspirin, Lovenox twice daily and Crinone twice daily.  I’m not going to give up without at least giving this embryo a shot at making it.  I’ll also be taking another test tomorrow and crossing my fingers that the line is darker.  You never know.  It’s not over until it’s over.

I called my Reproductive Immunologist this morning and filled them in on the situation.  They are emailing me some lab requisitions for Wednesday afternoon.  I will wait on their bloodwork until I have a better idea of which direction the pregnancy is going in.

At the end of the day this is progress.  I haven’t been pregnant in over 3 years and with MUCH medical intervention so even if I miscarry this is a step in the right direction.  I whole-heartedly believe that my new supplements have helped this pregnancy happen.  Yes, many factors are always in play but I genuinely feel that the Acai Berry supplement had a significant impact in getting us where we are right now. 

Three cheers for Acai Berries and fingers crossed for a good beta on Wednesday.

Wait. Is that a line?

Wait.  What?  Is that a line?  I think that's a line...

This Sunday morning started like most days when my period is approaching.  I get up at 6am, use the bathroom, dip a pee stick and go right back to bed without waiting for the results.  It's Sunday, after all, I want to sleep in.  Why bother waiting for the test result?  Sleep is much more desirable on these precious weekends.  Fast forward 2 hours.  I rise again at 8:30am to actually get up and start my lazy morning.

I start my morning routine.  Feed the cats, take my thyroid med, run the sprinklers, start the dishwasher, open the shades and finally sit with the cats & watch a crappy TV while I plan out my day.  While watching crappy TV, I realized that I had a splinter/sliver from this weekends' project - Operation Garage Clean Up.  I peel the sleeping cat off my lap to tend to my sliver in the bathroom when it occurred to me that I never check that pregnancy test. 

I picked up the 5 hour old pregnancy test with the normal rhythm I've acquired over the last 3 years of seeing those dreadful but expected negative pregnancy tests.  You know - pick it up, quickly glance, then put it straight in the garbage and quickly move on.

This morning was different.  This morning I glanced at the test a saw a faint line.  I did a double take.  "Wait.  What?  Is that a line?  I think that's a line..."  I immediately began shaking.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  Then I realized that this test was 5 hours old.  It could definitely be a false positive.  "Don't get excited yet, Sunny," I tell myself.

Of course, I peed again and tested again with another internet cheapie at 11:00am.  Is this second morning urine?  I can't remember.  Let's just focus on the sliver.  5 minutes later... Faint positive!  Oh my god.  Seriously?  I'm pregnant?  No way!  Out comes the expired First Response pregnancy test that has been waiting for this very occassion.  Another faint positive.  Holy cow! 

What do I do now?!  What DPO am I again?  I'm nervous-excited.  I freak out a little.  My mind begins racing.  Yes, we tried.  Yes, we timed it perfectly.  Yes, my CM has been a little more plentiful after ovulation but I quickly explained that away.  BUT...  I feel off the Lovenox train.  Since I actually ovulated this month and we caught the egg just in time I decided to throw everything at this cycle before starting another round of IVF.  All-in included Lovenox & baby aspirin.  The problem is I fell off the Lovenox train after 7 DPO and skipped a couple of baby aspirins in the TWW.  I took Lovenox nightly on 2-5 DPO & 7 DPO.  Today is 12 DPO.  The worry begins to set in.  The insecurities creep in. 

Get it together.  Let's think about next steps.  Don't get too excited. 

History has not been kind to me in these traditionally happy times.  Could this time be different?  What is different this time?  1. I've been taking additional supplements since mid June.  2. My failed IVF cycle could have acted as replacement for a uterine scratch... which is supposed to jump started the immune system in my uterus.  3.  I did do an IVIG infusion not too long ago - maybe it helped.  4. I have been taking blood thinners, albeit inconsistently, that are supposed to help with implantation.

I am cautiously optimistic.  But... Today I am pregnant.  Oh. My. Goodness.  Today I am pregnant.


 

Another day, another IVF Cycle plan

Well, I can now say that I've had a WTF follow up appointment with both my reproductive immunologist and my reproductive endocrinologist.

We are moving ahead with another IVF cycle.

We are changing the protocol and getting  follow up blood work sent to my reproductive immunologist.

I could have another egg retrieval in late August/early September