She is here

I'd like to offer my sincerest apologies for letting this blog go without updates for so long.  It has always bugged me when other people became pregnant and then stopped updating their infertility blog and now I've become that person.  The only excuse I have had is that I have been busy... Me and everyone else, right?  I'm sorry.

We have been overwhelmed with love for our sweet baby girl.  She arrived one day late and was a larger than expected bundle of perfection.

Words cannot express that gratitude I have to be a mother with a baby to hold. Not a day goes by where I don't realize how fortunate we are.  I am forever grateful to the medical team (or village) that helped us hold her in our arms.  

A long overdue update (28 weeks pregnant)

Sometimes I still cannot believe it - we are pregnant, very pregnant now.  Without this bump of mine I might not believe it.  I have had the easiest pregnancy in regards to side effects.  I could easily see myself becoming a little baby making machine if other factors wouldn't making getting and staying pregnant a challenge.  Heck, I might even have offered to be a surrogate for someone - I honestly feel that great.

All of this can change of course.  I'm still only 28 weeks and have quite a way to go before baby girl arrives. But, wow, am I thankful.

I just had my out of state baby shower this past weekend and another ultrasound today so it has been an excited my, yet emotional time.  My shower brough unexpected emotions and many tears. As I was in the middle of opening gifts it finally occurred to me that this was MY shower, I wasn't attending as a guest.  It became quite overwhelming to me and then I began opening handmade items that really just made me melt.  I am beyond grateful to be having this little girl and for all of the love and well wishes that have followed us in our pregnancy.  It truly feels like a village of supporters have willed this pregnancy to progress.

In the time I have been away from this blog I have ramped up my 'nesting' and prepping for baby.  I am doing my best to get the physical portion of my to do list completed before the third trimester starts and my energy level drops.  I'm a nursery-completing, basement-cleaning machine these days.  

Check out this baby foot from today.  That is one BIG, big toe... She has her fathers feet.

Still here & thankfully still pregnant

The I think my 'in denial' phase might finally be coming to an end.  It seems as though I haven't believed that I am pregnant since the beginning.  Having ZERO symptoms does NOT help dispel the denial either.  

Swollen breasts - no. 

Breast tenderness - no. 

Nausea - no.  

Fatigue - no.  

Mood swings - nothing uncharacteristic ;)

Food aversions - no.  

Weight gain at 13 weeks - none.  I'm still comfortably fitting into all of my normal clothes.  No concealing required.

See what I mean?  It's easy to be in denial when you feel 100% normal 95% of the time.

The only symptoms I have are:  

Increased urination - yes.  

Tiredness at the end of the day - occasionally.  

Breathlessness - when climbing stairs.  

All of these things can be explained away by saying "I drank a lot of water today when I was busy at work on a hectic day that physically drained me.  No wonder I was out of breath, I climbed a ton of stairs today and that alone can be physically draining."

Today I am 13 weeks, 1 day.  Here is an ultrasound from 12 weeks.  

This is from the Nuchal Translucency ultrasound.  We also had a blood test to look for serious chromosomal abnormalities.  That test came back 'normal' so that is reassuring.  It's amazing how much babies develop between 10 weeks and 12 weeks though.  It was fun seeing baby wiggle around so much at 12 weeks.

I've had two IVIG infusions since becoming pregnant.  Fortunately, I received news that I do NOT need a third infusion at this time but my doctor will continue to monitor my natural killer levels monthly and prescribe an infusion if my immune system overreacts to the pregnancy again.  Fingers crossed that it doesn't so I can pretend like I am a normal pregnant lady (with virtually NO symptoms.)

More good news, today is the last day of blood thinning injections.  This was only prescribed for the first trimester so no more needles!  Yippee.

My next OB appointment will be at the end of next week when I will be 14 weeks, 3 days.  It will be nice to find the heartbeat with a Doppler this time.  Reassurance is always nice but I haven't felt paralyzed with fear and concern without it either.  I'm oddly calm about this pregnancy even if I was in denial at the same time.

Is this real life?  Is this my life?  It is all becoming a blur.  We just may have a shot at a take home baby here.  It's all so surreal.

We saw a HEARTBEAT!

We saw a HEARTBEAT!  

We are estatic!  We have never made it this far.  We even got a photo of our little blobby.

We went into our ultrasound and were very pleased to see my normal ultrasound tech from all of my infertility treatments.  I hadn't seen her in about 5 months and was hoping to see her before we 'graduated' from the infertility clinic.  I was grinning ear-to-ear when she came to get me and bring me back.  Pretty early on in meeting her we discovered we were neighbors (she has since moved).  While it was a bit of a shock at first, it became something we would always talk about during my scans.

We were able to see the baby and the heartbeat with the abdominal ultrasound which was instantly reassuring.  I did shed a single tear as soon as she told me  that the flicker was the heartbeat.  Little blobby had a heart rate of 140 and was measuring 7 weeks 2 days (I was 7 weeks 3 days at the time) so all is well.

It is all so surreal.  I really cannot believe it.  I am pregnant.  Truly surreal.  Even though I've seen the proof it is STILL hard to believe since I'm feeling so great these days (aside from, TMI warning, really bad constipation).

We decided to tell parents now that we've seen a heartbeat.  (They live 800 miles away).  We told my in-laws on Thursday, the same day as the ultrasound.  It was so nice to be able to bring them good news.  They've had a string of bad luck lately and to quote my father-in-law, "this is the best news of the year."  It was especially adorable coming from him since he is a man of few words.   

My husband convinced his parents that he desperately needed to talk to his dad about an urgent computer issue (my husband helps them with their computers remotely).   We got his dad on the phone and then texted his mom a picture of the ultrasound that she opened with his dad. It really worked out perfectly.  My mother-in-law instantly started choking up.  It was a wonderful moment to share.

My parents are next.  We are so thankful. Even though we know it is still early days we are happy to share these happy times with our immediate family.

I guess I will soon need to realize that this is real and that I might actually have a baby to hold in mid April.  Fingers crossed.

These are good problems to have...

It's been a busy couple of weeks.  I've spent a considerable amount of time on the phone with my RI office and considerable time in the chair at many locals labs getting blood work.  My arms are quite bruised unfortunately.  There have been day when I have been pricked THREE time in ONE day.  It's been a little hectic and inconvenient but these are good problems to have!

"These a good problems to have" - my current mantra.

As you may know my husband has a needle phobia.  He loathes it.  He has been known to faint in the past while getting blood work and immunization.  He fainted also a week ago.  These are good problems to have.

By Tuesday of last week I want to say that I was 'stupid happy.'  Beyond happy to have made it this far with HCG results coming in so nicely.

Then I received word from my RI office about my Immunology Panel.  To quote the nurse, "they are pretty OK."  Basically, my natural killer cells are slightly activated and my LADs are somewhat low.  Recommendation: IVIG.  A solution.  While this was stressful and less than ideal these are still good problems to have.  I am pregnant.  We have a shot.

I did another HCG draw after hearing the IVIG news and was reassured by the increase.   It is still right on track for where I am.  Then I did the IVIG a couple of days ago.  I was again reassured to not have to wait through the weekend.

I was happy.  Stupid, happy yesterday.

Then today I had some light brown spotting.  Suddenly I was filled with anxiety.  The timing was unsettling since today I am 5 weeks 6 days pregnant.  This is the farthest I have ever gotten, tomorrow I will have broken my previous record.  It was very, very unsettling.  I talked to my husband about it which I didn't intend on doing until he started to get on my case about being winded after climbing the parking garage stairs (in my defense it is extremely humid here today).  I told him to stop picking on me since I was a little stressed.  I know spotting is common but given our past history of loss, blood is never something that I can just shake off.  I commented about how I wished I could go back to being that naive, excited and happy person I was in my first pregnancy.  It seems as though as soon as I get a little bit of confidence something comes along that shakes it.  These are good problems to have.  I am pregnant.

The spotting was an isolated occurance.  It could have been a little irritation from the Crinone I am taking.  I could have been something else.  Who knows.  It is gone and that is all I care about.  It did, however, freak me out and remind me that I am far from out to the woods.  7 more weeks until the 2nd trimester.  Hopefully we get there and that will give me some piece of mind.  We can only hope but again, these are good problems to have.

I'm 17 DPO & my HCG is 334

Is this real?  My beta more than double again?  Really?  That is fantastic.

So I took the call from a new-to-me nurse at my RE's office.  She called me around 11:30am today on my day off.  She told me my beta was 334 - yippee!   Then she told me we wouldn't be doing any more betas - sudden panic!  It was a strange to go from sheer joy to sheer panic.  I was so excited about the news of my good beta that I just accepted the news about the continued betas (I have my reproductive immunologist that can order those tests if I/they want them).  She told me that my first ultrasound will be on September 3.  All I could think was "Oh. My. God.  That is SO far away."

On September 3, I will be 7 weeks, 2 days.  You see, I've never made it to 7 weeks.  Not even close.  I think my longest lasting pregnancy was 5 weeks 6 days.  September 3 seems so far away.  Ugh.

Speaking of my Reproductive Immunologist, at the Alan E. Beer Center...  Their office has been a dream to work with.  They have always been so helpful and understanding and they continue to be.  It is wonderful to call and email them and get almost immediate answers.  Plus when I email and then call they don't scold me for not being patient.  They understand that their patients could be 10 minutes away from a full scale meltdown.  The nurse have truly been a sanity-saver.  If I didn't have my RI to fall back on I would still be in the same panic I was in after hearing the "no more betas" news.  My RE's office just doesn't get it.  I do not fit in the typical box.  I am not your typical infertility patient.  Yes, it has been quite awhile since my last miscarriage but I'm still not their average patient. [end of rant]  Don't get me wrong - the RE office nurses are nice, they are knowledgeable.  I just feel like they don't understand my anxiety about a loss.  Thank goodness for the Alan E. Beer Center.

My sweet husband.  I sent him a text with the good news but could help but tell him that I was freaking out a bit.  His response was adorable and reassuring (me: blue  him: grey)

Where are we now?  Well, I'm allowing myself to enjoy today.  Today, I am pregnant.  Today, I found out that I have had three betas that more than doubled every time.  Today, there is no wondering - I am pregnant.  Holy Moly.   Today is a great day.  I hope it continues.

Here is my HPT progression from 12 DPO to 17 DPO.  I'm going to keep testing for piece of mind but mostly with Internet Cheapies (I'm not buying anymore FRERs). I want to see these lines get darker and certainly NOT lighten.

Still Seeking a Blazing Positive - Why?

Call me crazy but I really need to see this line darken everyday.  I may not be as dark as if like it to be but at least it is getting darker.  These darkening tests, and regular betas, are what are keeping me calm right now.  

I'm surprisingly calm these days.  Maybe it's because I know that it is out of my control?  Maybe it is because it had been THREE LONG YEARS since I've been pregnant so I'm not obsessing about a possible miscarriage?  Maybe it's because I have a plethora of Doctors all weighing in?  Maybe it's because I have been doing so many different things lately that it feels like my actions are sustaining this pregnancy (read: Lovenox, twice daily)  Who knows.  At least I'm calm.  Maybe I don't need to know why.  

I hope I can continue to be this calm.  It would be such a wonderful change of pace.  A very welcome change.

I'm 15 DPO & my HCG is 139

My HCG this morning came in at 139.  This is good news.  We were looking for at least 116, so 139 means I had a doubling time of 38.1 hours.

Here is today's HPTs.  They aren't distinguishably darker BUT they aren't lighter...excuse the lighting.  It isn't very bright at 5am :)

We are still guarded but today's news is good.  Today is a good day.  Today I am pregnant.

I go back on Friday for another beta.  On Friday we are hoping for 278.  Fingers crossed.

Still darkening

The test is darker than yesterday morning.  Still not a blazing positive but it's progress.  

Compared to 13 DPO...

That's a darker line!

Well, since I have about 25 internet cheapies that expire this month I decided to test after work today.  I prepared myself for the line to be faint, possibly barely there.  You know, worse than this morning.  I was wrong. It was darker. I'm pleasantly surprised.

It's a small victory but I will take it.  

My beta isn't as high as the average of 85 on 13 DPO, like www.betabase.info says, but at least my line is darker.  This website is about to become my best friend and worst enemy.

We are taking it day by day, test after test.  The picture will hopefully become clearer on Wednesday with my second beta.  In the meanwhile, here are today's tests (expired FRER & almost expired Internet cheapies).  Sorry it's upside down.  I blame my camera phone.

I’m 13 DPO & My HCG is 58

Today is Monday, August 10.  This morning I awoke and peed on a stick again.  It’s still positive but no more so than yesterday.   In fact, it is probably fainter than yesterday.  My expectations are set for another miscarriage.  I am protecting my emotional self from becoming too attached too soon and thinking too far into an idyllic future, a future that is quite uncertain today.  

I went in for a bloodtest this morning to see what my levels are.  I’m 13 DPO & My HCG is 58.  I checked the portal.  I haven’t heard from the doctor’s office yet but expect to return for another blood draw on 15 DPO on Wed, August 12

In the meanwhile I will continue taking my pre-natals, vitamins, baby aspirin, Lovenox twice daily and Crinone twice daily.  I’m not going to give up without at least giving this embryo a shot at making it.  I’ll also be taking another test tomorrow and crossing my fingers that the line is darker.  You never know.  It’s not over until it’s over.

I called my Reproductive Immunologist this morning and filled them in on the situation.  They are emailing me some lab requisitions for Wednesday afternoon.  I will wait on their bloodwork until I have a better idea of which direction the pregnancy is going in.

At the end of the day this is progress.  I haven’t been pregnant in over 3 years and with MUCH medical intervention so even if I miscarry this is a step in the right direction.  I whole-heartedly believe that my new supplements have helped this pregnancy happen.  Yes, many factors are always in play but I genuinely feel that the Acai Berry supplement had a significant impact in getting us where we are right now. 

Three cheers for Acai Berries and fingers crossed for a good beta on Wednesday.

Wait. Is that a line?

Wait.  What?  Is that a line?  I think that's a line...

This Sunday morning started like most days when my period is approaching.  I get up at 6am, use the bathroom, dip a pee stick and go right back to bed without waiting for the results.  It's Sunday, after all, I want to sleep in.  Why bother waiting for the test result?  Sleep is much more desirable on these precious weekends.  Fast forward 2 hours.  I rise again at 8:30am to actually get up and start my lazy morning.

I start my morning routine.  Feed the cats, take my thyroid med, run the sprinklers, start the dishwasher, open the shades and finally sit with the cats & watch a crappy TV while I plan out my day.  While watching crappy TV, I realized that I had a splinter/sliver from this weekends' project - Operation Garage Clean Up.  I peel the sleeping cat off my lap to tend to my sliver in the bathroom when it occurred to me that I never check that pregnancy test. 

I picked up the 5 hour old pregnancy test with the normal rhythm I've acquired over the last 3 years of seeing those dreadful but expected negative pregnancy tests.  You know - pick it up, quickly glance, then put it straight in the garbage and quickly move on.

This morning was different.  This morning I glanced at the test a saw a faint line.  I did a double take.  "Wait.  What?  Is that a line?  I think that's a line..."  I immediately began shaking.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  Then I realized that this test was 5 hours old.  It could definitely be a false positive.  "Don't get excited yet, Sunny," I tell myself.

Of course, I peed again and tested again with another internet cheapie at 11:00am.  Is this second morning urine?  I can't remember.  Let's just focus on the sliver.  5 minutes later... Faint positive!  Oh my god.  Seriously?  I'm pregnant?  No way!  Out comes the expired First Response pregnancy test that has been waiting for this very occassion.  Another faint positive.  Holy cow! 

What do I do now?!  What DPO am I again?  I'm nervous-excited.  I freak out a little.  My mind begins racing.  Yes, we tried.  Yes, we timed it perfectly.  Yes, my CM has been a little more plentiful after ovulation but I quickly explained that away.  BUT...  I feel off the Lovenox train.  Since I actually ovulated this month and we caught the egg just in time I decided to throw everything at this cycle before starting another round of IVF.  All-in included Lovenox & baby aspirin.  The problem is I fell off the Lovenox train after 7 DPO and skipped a couple of baby aspirins in the TWW.  I took Lovenox nightly on 2-5 DPO & 7 DPO.  Today is 12 DPO.  The worry begins to set in.  The insecurities creep in. 

Get it together.  Let's think about next steps.  Don't get too excited. 

History has not been kind to me in these traditionally happy times.  Could this time be different?  What is different this time?  1. I've been taking additional supplements since mid June.  2. My failed IVF cycle could have acted as replacement for a uterine scratch... which is supposed to jump started the immune system in my uterus.  3.  I did do an IVIG infusion not too long ago - maybe it helped.  4. I have been taking blood thinners, albeit inconsistently, that are supposed to help with implantation.

I am cautiously optimistic.  But... Today I am pregnant.  Oh. My. Goodness.  Today I am pregnant.


 

Another day, another IVF Cycle plan

Well, I can now say that I've had a WTF follow up appointment with both my reproductive immunologist and my reproductive endocrinologist.

We are moving ahead with another IVF cycle.

We are changing the protocol and getting  follow up blood work sent to my reproductive immunologist.

I could have another egg retrieval in late August/early September

My Fellow Travelers...

I came out.  All out.

Back in October 2013, I posted about all of our losses on Facebook since it was "Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month".  People were sweet.  People felt sorry for me.  Plenty of people didn't understand that I said I lost THREE babies.  Plenty of people didn't understand how unusual it is to lose three in a row.

Recently, in April 2015, I PUT IT ALL OUT THERE in honor of "Infertility Awareness Week."  Everything.  It was the longest Facebook post I have ever posted.  So long that I had to figure out what the character limit was.  The responses touched me deeply.  I still tear up thinking about them and actually cry when I re-read them.  Good tears.

One of my favorite responses was from another former infertile.  In my post I mentioned that I finally found a group of women with similar challenges which is incredibly rare given my diagnosis.  She said:

"I've always been in awe of you and your strength. I'm glad to hear that the world has shown you a group of fellow travelers in this minority of minority spheres in which you find yourself. May you get to your goal of being a Mama! Sending love and wishes."

I'm in the minority of the minority of the minority.  Her response made me realize how lucky I am to have found this particular group of ladies, my fellow travelers.

Dear Fellow Travelers,

I am sorry we had to meet under these circumstances.  We have so much in common, medically speaking.  We have the similar challenges and similar diagnoses.  We have the same hopes and dreams.  We have the same doubts and worry.  

While it stinks to be in THIS together, at least we have one another.  

It's taken me four years to find you but I am forever grateful we have this lovely virtual relationship.  Together we can pick someone up when they are having a bad day and know that in the future you will do the same.

I appreciate you.  I appreciate your time.  I appreciate your willingness to lend an ear and offer your experiences, diagnosis & treatment plan.

Most importantly, I appreciate your companionship on this arduous trip in which we find ourselves.  

My hope for all of you is that the destination is worth the long road we have taken to get there.  Hopefully we do not lose ourselves along the way.

With love, gratitude & hope,

Sunny

Reflecting on ANOTHER failed IVF Cycle

I've written about this before, here.

Unfortunately, I'm writing about it again because I am not pregnant.  I'm sad.  Sadder than last time.

This time we had fewer eggs than expected (empty follicles? what?!), of poorer quality at the 3 day transfer mark (6 cells vs. 8 cells), and nothing left over to freeze (booooo).  It feels like this IVF cycle was a complete bust even though I had high hopes going into it because it was our first cycle using our new immune protocol.  The immune protocol included:

• IVIG infusion. Three weeks before the Egg Retrieval
• Lovenox.  Beginning on the 1st day of stims and through the two week wait.  That's a LOT of shots.
• Baby Aspirin.  Beginning on CD1

My husband has taken this failure harder than me.  Until now he has been quite stoic about all of this and has remained very outwardly strong for my sake.  He's now at the point where he can no longer be stoic and that breaks my heart.  In my mind, he has started to consider that this may never work and that kills me.

The two of us have always approached all of our challenges very differently.  I'm more of a long term planner and worst case scenario person whereas he is the optimist that can only think ahead one step at a time.  While there is nothing wrong with our different survival techniques, it does make it difficult to talk about constructively.

He isn't ready to think about and discuss the "what if this doesn't work scenarios" whereas I would like to have the conversation so I can look ahead when my, always TTC preoccupied, mind is in a downward spiral.  Do you know what I mean?  Can you relate to that mentality?

As far as I am concerned we have four options:  1. Another IVF cycle (we have 4 more tries through insurance).  2. Surrogacy/gestational carrier (husband is "not a fan").  3. Adoption (I've changed my mind on this and husband isn't ready to discuss it aside from "this is a daunting process").  4.  Move on with life (live life without kid(s).  Not sure I'm up for that).

Because we have only given this immune protocol ONE try, under less than ideal circumstances, we feel like we need to give it another try.  I would like to do another fresh IVF cycle and try to add a few more controls in order to optimize our chances of success with the immune protocol.

Here is the new plan:

1. Fresh IVF cycle with whatever protocol my RE feels we should try next
2. FREEZE ALL embryos that make it to Day 5 (roll the dice and take our chances on them making it to freeze.  I do NOT want anymore Day 3 transfers.  I didn't want the last one and in a way this freeze all approach will ensure that my next transfer will not be a Day 3 either
3. Let my body recover after the Fresh IVF cycle (right now my TSH is spiked from the fertility meds - not ideal
4. IVIG infusion appropriately timed for an FET cycle
5. NATURAL FET cycle.  No estrogen, no trigger shot.  Just transfer the blast(s) 5 days after I have naturally ovulated
6. Transfer 5-Day Blast(s).  One or two depending on the recommendation of my Reproductive Immunologist.  I am asking their opinion this time too.

Unfortunately, my WTF/Follow Up appointment with my RE is not until July 16!!!!!  By then I will have been at least one week into my next cycle.  This means that it there will be a 2 month break between IVF cycles.  An IVF cycles are typically two months long so that's 4 whole months between IVF cycles.  That sucks for many reasons:  I'm not getting any younger (I'm 35, 36 in December), I'd like to move forward and be pregnant or not/adopt or not before another 4 long years go by.  Like seriously.  It took us a whole year from IVF #1 to IVF #2 and I just cannot keep doing this to myself indefinitely.  Like seriously. 

So this is what I'm going to propose to my RE office: 
Fine, I'll wait for my appt on July 16 but I want to start my next IVF cycle protocol, whatever that may be, BEFORE the freaking appointment.  Hopefully I am successful.  Fingers crossed.

On a side note/sad note, I had a terrible dream that I had my IVF follow up appointment and my RE cut me loose and was giving up on me.  She literally turned me away and said she wasn't going to help me anymore.  How awful would that be? (cry face)

9dp3dt / 12 dpo

The tears have started.  Another negative test.  I've given up all hope but am still taking my meds, for now.  I think I'll stop the meds Friday evening even though Beta is Monday.  I swear, my clinic has the longest beta dates I have ever heard of.  Beta on 17 DPO?  Are you kidding me?!  

What's next?  A conversation with my husband about what we should do.  Oh the my favorite - the WTF appointment with my RE.  Fun times :(

8dp3dt / 11 dpo

Well, I woke up to a temperature drop this morning.  I couldn't help but think that I would get my period today even though I am on Crinone.  I think that's happened before but it's not too common for me.  I guess I'll have to stalk my previous charts.

I also foolishly thought "oh, this could be an implantation dip."  In the back of my mind I know that isn't true but this is me trying to be optimistic.

So I took a pregnancy test.  It's negative, of course.

I'm not surprised, really.  I haven't had many symptoms after transfer.  

This is our third transfer.  To date we have put back 6 embryos and have never gotten pregnant.

What is going on?  In 2011 I was getting pregnant with the drop of a hat and now NOTHING?!

To say that this is frustrating isn't quite right.  It's sadness.  My body has just become so resistant to a pregnancy,even with the addition of blood thinners and an IVIG infusion.

The million dollar question is "where do we go from here?"

Where indeed.

7dp3dt / 10 dpo

I'm 7 days past our 3 day transfer and I'm feeling a tad more hopeful than I have even in the last couple of days.

Why?  Because I've been having slight cervix cramps on and off over the last few days.  At first I thought I was overthinking it and imagining phantom cervical cramps but today I've had more of them, and more frequently, than before.  

This symptom is remarkable for me because I never have cramping and I mean NEVER.

Maybe this is implantation?  Maybe this is working?  Maybe this is just a result of my egg retrieval procedure over a week ago?  Who knows... I guess I will have to look back at my last IVF cycle to compare.  

Symptom spotting is in full swing over here.  

I've decided to begin testing tomorrow.  I will be 8dp3dt or 11dpo.  I'll be testing at home on 11dpo until beta which is on 17 dpo (Monday, June 8).  

My fingers are crossed now.  I am hopeful that our 6-cell embryos are still going strong.  Grow.  GROW.  GROW!

IVF Aftermath. IVF is a Mind F@!%

IVF is a brutal process, both physically and emotionally.

Physically:
It begins with the baseline bloodwork and the visits for bloodwork ramp up in frequency from there.  Getting your blood drawn every day is not nice.  I had my blood drawn 6 times in a span of 7 days.  Ouch.  Overall, throughout the cycle I had blood drawn 8 times in 3 weeks, not counting my IV and IVIG infusion.

Shots are never fun.  I administer them to myself since my husband, like many men, is squeamish around needles.  Squeamish is putting it mildly.  He passes out at the site of a needle, gets light headed talking about shots and literally shutters when seeing my shot sites on my arms and stomach.

Internal ultrasounds.  Yup, I am going there.  In an IVF cycle you are getting more action from the ultrasound probe than your husband.  Seriously.  My husband knew to stay the hell away from me during IVF.  I've been poked and prodded enough thank you very much (and the worst is to come... egg retrieval)

I am covered with bruises, both visible and perceived.  Both of my arms are covered in bruises.  My stomach is bruised from injections.  My lady bits feel bruised from all of the internal ultrasounds.  No lies.

Enlarged, throbbing ovaries.  I never thought I would feel like my ovaries would attack my other organs until I went through IVF.  There were times when I could feel my ovaries responding to the stims and envisioned them gobbling up my appendix or something.  They felt like they were moving throughout my abdominal cavity and were threatening to bust out of my abdomen altogether.  (I am exagerrating here.  My ovaries are quite well behaved compared to other women undergoing IVF be geesh I could still feel them plumping up)

Egg retrieval is surgery and do not forget it.  I was sore and I was uncomfortable.  It is surgery people. (Confession:  I have a HIGH pain tolerance and wasn't too impacted by this surgery when compared to other people.  I had to force myself to take it easy.  Still, though, it is not pleasant)

Time.  By this point a tremendous amount of time has been devoted to IVF.  Early mornings at the Doctors office followed by a full day of work and awaiting nightly shots is physically exhausting.  Shaving your legs daily, in preparation for your ultrasounds, is utterly draining, honestly.  I don't want to shave my legs for two weeks after everything is said and done.  Then there is all the time off you need for surgery and transfer.

Emotionally:
IVF is a rollercoaster of emotions.  One day you are extremely optimistic, the next day you are in the depths of despair.

You question everything and every decision.  Should I...?  Would it be better if...?  I should have... 

Every appointment has the potential to end in disaster.  Ever phone call could spell out misfortune.

Hormones can play havoc, plain and simple.

Follicle concern.  How many follicles do I have?  Are they similarly sized?  Are they growing as expected?

Uterine Lining.  Is it thick enough?  Is it too think?  Will this be an issue?

Surgery can be scary, especially for your first egg retrieval procedure.  How will my recovery be?  Will I be able to handle the pain?  Will I be able to go back to work?  At the top of you mind however is the ever present question of: how many eggs?  How many are there?  I wonder how many eggs we are working with.  I wonder how many will be mature.  I wonder how many will fertilize.  I wonder if this will work.  Will this work?  Why am I doing this to myself?  This had better work.

How are my embryos doing?  Will I have a 3 day transfer or a 5 day transfer?  Will there be anything left to freeze?  What are our odds?

Egg transfer.  You arrive.  They prep you.  You drink plenty of water.  All the while you are constantly wondering: what are we working with?  Are the embryos on-track based on their day of development?  How many cells do they have?  What sort of fragmentation do they have?  Are they symmetrical?  What are the odds given how they look?  Where is the Doctor for pete's sake.  Just tell me already.  Sheesh.

The two-week wait is brutal... brutal.   FOR ME, THIS IS THE WORST PART OF ANY TREATMENT CYCLE.   I hate this part.  You have hope, doubt and fear all at the same time and all in the same day.  Some days are better than others and some days are tolerable.  Just get through it.  You will get through it.  That's what I tell myself.

To sum it up:  IVF is a complete mind fuck.  It takes otherwise rational human beings and turns them into a neurotic mess.

IVF is a brutal process, both physically and emotionally.  AND I WOULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN IF GIVEN THE CHANCE TO HAVE A BABY.  Without a doubt.  No hesitation.  I am five days out from my egg retrieval and I am certain that I would do this again.  In a heartbeat.  Mind fuck or not.  Yes.








  

The silver lining is gone

The silver lining I spoke of in my last post is gone.  Our other embryo didn't make it to freeze.  

Surprisingly, I am okay with that.  I guess it is because we will get to do another fresh IVF cycle sooner than later.  We get a do-over.

What I am not okay with is the thought that if that embryo didn't make it to freeze how are the embryos they transferred on Monday going to make it?  

Admittedly, I'm in a glass half full type of mindset right now but I wasn't this way all day.  I woke up feeling better about everything.  Maybe writing the blog post last night helped.  Maybe not.  Who knows?

I often wonder how far we will take this IVF stuff.  I think I've previously written that I couldn't envision too many more IVF cycles but now I am not so sure.  You could call me a flip-flopper.  Should I blame the seasons on that?  Doctors giving me hope?  Hormones?  All of the above?

How much trying is enough?  How do you decide that?  I thought I went through a sense of acceptance last summer but that was before working with the reproductive immunologist.  That was before we had a sort-of-diagnosis and something to go on.  NOW how do we decide when enough is enough?  It's like I am on another carousel ride, seeing the same scenery all over again.

Can we fast forward a few days and just get this over with?  Am I or aren't I?  If so, will I be able to keep it?  If not, can I survive another miscarriage?  Can I endure being childless?  Where do we go from here?

I'm always ahead of myself.  This two-week wait is just the worst.  Thankfully tomorrow is my "Friday" so I can keep myself busy and keep my mind off of the wait.  Ugh.