So Many Unresolved Questions

Having undergone the physically grueling and emotionally exhausting process that is IVF has caused me to doubt my future.  Will IVF ever work?  If IVF works will I miscarry again?  After all, these eggs of mine are three years older than they were when we first began all of this.  Will these supplements really help my egg quality?

What would my life be like without children?
Will I be okay with not having any children?
What will my relationship look like without children?  What about my daily life - what will that look like?

Such big questions.  No real answers.

Unfortunately, my life has been on hold for over 3 years.  It is sad to say but true.  I live by the TTC calendar.  I sacrifice my money, my vacation days, my sanity, my career, my job prospects and much more to ride on this hamster wheel.  I am beginning to feel like the end is near.  I have a feeling that I won't be able to sustain this quest for many more years.  I don't think I am up to it.  I probably have one more year of fight left in me.  12 or so months.

I know that I owe it to myself to keep trying until I feel like I am defeated, or at peace with the circumstance.  I am not defeated yet.  Just because I am tired of the hamster wheel doesn't make me defeated.  I know that I do not want to look back with regret about what I wished I would have done.  I know that I am an amazingly strong person that is handling all of this quite well considering.  After all, how many childless women out there have the misfortune to battle recurrent miscarriage AND now infertility?  That must be a small percent.  The recurrent miscarriage percent alone is around 2% so how many people in that 2% then need to deal with infertility on top of it?  Geesh.  That is one BAD lottery.

This is exactly why we won't be starting another round of IVF until October - November.  I need a break.  I need to recharge.  Recuperate.  Re-energize.  I need to reconnect with my husband.  

We have a follow up appointment with our RE, but not until September 11, a full month after our beta test.  I am a little frustrated by that but at the same time know that it is fine to have to wait so long since we won't be jumping right into another IVF cycle.  I have been compiling my questions for the appointment.  I am curious what she will say about our two day 5 blasts.  She was always so hesitant to talk about the grades which I always thought was a sign that they weren't the greatest quality.  The positive point to that is that it helped set my expectations appropriately.

One thing is certain.  If I am able to get pregnant again I KNOW that IF I miscarry again I WILL fall into another depression.  Probably worse than my depression after my second miscarriage - the miscarriage that pulled the rug out from under me.  This current hypothetical pregnancy has been in the making for over two years.  It will have been in the making for 2.5 years by the time we try IVF again.  That is a long time to not be pregnant and not have a miscarriage.

One thing I know though...  I am a Rockstar of IVF.  The meds don't phase me.  The needles are just fine.  The constant internal ultrasounds - whatever.  The side effects are all minimal.  The mood swings are non-existent.  I can and will do it again.  I can only hope for better results in the future. 

Potato Chips for Dinner

Yup.  Potato Chips for dinner.  This is what I do.  I get a negative pregnancy test and eat a lousy dinner.  It happens every time.  At least I do not dwell here and do not make potato chips the norm - it's a one-day-only-thing.

I also ordinarily curse the pre-natal's and go on a vitamin strike for a week or even more.  But not this time - I promise.  Instead I will be adding MORE CoQ10 to my daily vitamins.  It is good for egg quality and I have read that it takes 3 months for it to begin to improve things.  I have been taking 400 mg since March 5 but reduced it to 200 mg after our retrieval (so 200 mg from May 21 until Aug 5).    I was going to stop it all together but the planner in me was preparing for the unfortunate position we are finding ourselves in at the moment.  We are here.  Sigh.

Here is the new vitamin tally:
One-A-Day Pre-Natal
One-A-Day Pre-Natal with DHA
2 Oscal Calcium (1000 mg) with D3 (400 IU) Lunch and Dinner
Qunol Mega CoQ10 (400 mg Ubiquinol - the active CoQ10).  I may bump it up to 600 mg, maybe.
Nature Made D3 (10,000 IU for a total of 10,800 IUs of D3)

Things I do right:  
I very rarely drink alcohol. Prior to Egg Retrieval it had been 3 months since I had a drop of alcohol.
I drink at least 64 ounces of water everyday.
I minimize my caffeine intake to under 200 mg daily to allow myself the occasional coffee or soda.
I get enough sleep.
Stress is manageable for me most of the time.

Things I could improve:
Leafy greens
Exercise

CD 26 - Frozen Embryo Cycle (from IVF #1)

Today is CD 26.  13 DPO.  8 DPT.

We had our uneventful transfer on Tuesday, July 29.  It went very well.  I had no cramping and no spotting, just like last time.  We transfered two day-five blasts, both rated as a 6 out of 8 (or "average quality" according to the Doctor).  Beta day is Monday, August 11 (CD32/18 DPO/13DPT).  This seems like a ridiculously long wait compared to other people, but whatever.

I have *not* been feeling too hopeful in the last few days.  I was looking for symptoms but there weren't any to read into other than some frequent urination (at night) which has since passed and a brief bout of nausea yesterday (but I can blame that on me being in denial about my lactose intolerance).  

This afternoon I gave in and tested.  BFN.  Yes, it could be a false negative.  My urine may have been diluted.  But I just know it to be true.  I am already looking ahead to another round of IVF but not looking forward to the follow up appointment with our Doctor.

Ugh.  Will I ever get off this hamster wheel?  Will I ever be able to use vacation days for vacation again instead of doctors appointments and egg retrievals?  Seriously.  For once I'd like to be able to think about and plan a vacation without thoughts like: 

* What if I am pregnant?

* Where will I be in my cycle?

* Will we have to miss a TTC cycle?

* What if I have morning sickness? 

What if...  I am beginning to tire of the 'what ifs'.  I am tired of having our circumstance hold us back from living our lives.

But hey, as I type this me two cats are cuddled up on my lap comforting me.   I could not be happier to see them once we returned home from our trip.

Things could be so much worse.  I could be depressed.  I could be resentful.  I could be mad as hell.  But I am none of those things.  We have more try's.  We can do more IVF cycles.  We can start talking about adoption.  

It will be okay.  I am ok.  I promise.