A Spring Surge

A Spring Surge of Babies.

My Facebook feed has blown up with fresh, new babies in the last couple of weeks.  Fresh. New. Beautiful. Babies.  

To make matters worse my entire feed is filled with nothing but baby photos.  Everyone has kids.  Everyone does nothing but talk about their kids.  Another reminder that I am behind the curve here... Not that the curve matters to me.  I have never been one to do things as society would expect-hence my boyfriend of 10 years (before he became my husband).  I just have the desire to be posting the same cute photos in the news feed as the rest of them.  Instead I post cat photos.  I can honestly see myself becoming 'the cat lady.'  My 18 year old self would be shaking her head at me.  

I wear pink.  I wear floral.  My clothes are main stream & trendy.  I want to be a stay-at-home mom.  I want to spend my days documenting my future baby's milestones in the most creative ways.  <--  That is my biggest goal these days.

My 18 year old self would slap me silly.

Since when is spring baby season?  What torture am I in store for come summer?  Oh vey.  Don't get me wrong.  I am not jealous of these people with fresh, new babies.   I am happy for them.  I just want one too.  When will it be our turn?  When will we get our shot?  When will it be my turn to add baby photos to the news feed?  

Will April showers bring May flowers?  I can only hope.

Rainbow:        I am lucky.  It's not over yet for me.

Rainshower:   Seeing all of these newborns takes an emotional toll.

We are still a year away…

We are still a year away from holding a baby in our arms.  It seems like I talk about this ALL the TIME.

I certainly think about this all of the time.  I occasionally look ahead to check due dates.  I ALWAYS look ahead to due dates when stuck in an off cycle.  During those 'off' cycle we are almost a year away from holding a baby in our arms. 

What’s the problem this time?

Unsurprisingly it is cysts, yet surprisingly, it is anovulation.  Yup.  Lucky me, I am experiencing my first anovulatory cycle since I began keeping track of ovulation back in December 2011.

It figures that the cycle before we are to embark on IVF would be the cycle I would go all anovulatory.  Why not?  Nothing EVER goes as planned.  Lucky, lucky me.

On the plus side:  This is a lesson.  A lesson in patience.  I needed a reset.  A snap back to reality. 

This whole IVF thing is bound to be full of this sort of thing…. Surprises and setbacks.

Rainshower:      Another delay.  Another year.

Rainbow:           I’m still in the game.  I am not defeated.  I am only delayed.  I just have more time to appreciate how fortunate I am to be able to go ahead with IVF whenever it is meant to be.

Decisions, backtracking on Decisions

So now I am thinking that we will be skipping PGD/PGS.

Why the about face?  We met with the Doctor.  She brought up some interesting things that were worth thinking about.

First and foremost she was quick to point out that IVF will not help with our miscarriage risk.  This helped me get out of the clouds and stop me from thinking about rainbows and unicorns as I had been going into the appointment.  

It was a reality check that I needed so I am not mad at her about bursting my glitter bubble.

Even PGD may not help the miscarriage risk.  Why?  Well, every embryo-in-the-making has both good and bad cells.  The bad cells just do not continue to divide like the good ones do (please excuse my less than scientific explanation).  At the beginning, when cells begin to divide it is easier to grab a bad cell for the biopsy simply because there are so few in the grand scheme of things. 

So a good embryo may be mistakenly deemed 'bad' and vice versa.

Are you following me?

This still seems like a similar rolling-of-the-dice than just the traditional grading of a 5 day blast has.  So why not give the first round a try without PGD?  Let's save $5,000.  While our IVF procedure and medications are covered by insurance we will still have to pay for embryo freezing out of pocket.  I haven't done all that math yet but that figure is probably $2,000.  Small potatoes when looking at the big picture but still something to consider.

There is something I know I want to be clear about with the Doctor going forward:  We will not be allowing a 3-day transfer.  I want the embryologist to have more time to determine which blasts are doing well and which aren't.  Having more time to watch them certainly allows for that decision making process.

I have scheduled another appointment to ask questions and gather additional information before we proceed but it is looking like we will be starting the process in April and will be doing an egg retrieval in May.

Another IUI. Moving onto IVF!

I never had a good feeling about this cycle.  I tried to be positive.  It wasn't like I was being negative either.  It was more of an indifference, I guess.

I have had this nagging feeling, since August, when I thought I was going to lose my tubes.  A nagging feeling that eventually we would be doing IVF.

Ever since August I have be preparing myself for this possibility.   I have looked ahead on the calendar and figured out the 'worst case scenario' about how long it would take me to get to IVF.  "Worst Case" meaning that first I would have to do three medicated IUI's before insurance will allow us to go ahead with IVF.  "Worst Case" meaning how much more of this I will have to endure before moving ahead with something more aggressive and with better odds of pregnancy and ultimately a take home baby.  "Worse Case" meaning how many cycles I would have to sit out due to cysts.

I see this as a great opportunity.  A way to have a crystal ball going into a potential pregnancy.  The crystal ball being PGS.  I want to do IVF with PGS, at minimum.  I want my blastocysts genetically tested before they are put back in me.  I want the assurance that our little embies are chromosomally normal.  That reassurance going into a possible pregnancy is something that I believe will be very reassuring to me in the beginning from seeing a BFP to seeing a heartbeat.

Seeing a heartbeat.   What a great thing that would be.  I'd love to get there.  I'd love to work on all of these pregnancy projects I have been cooking up for the last 3 years.

I'd love to be able to be proud of that crib in my basement rather than embarrassed by my confidence in purchasing it a year ago.  I'd love to see that crib set up in the future nursery.  I'd love to see "the ironing room" transformed in a "nursery".

While we may not be pregnant now, we are in a good place.  We are excited about moving ahead with IVF.  We have an appointment next week with my RE to discuss things.  I am sure she will say IVF.  What I am not sure of is the timeline, any needed pre-testing, the protocol and her recommendations for us and our situation (ICSI/PGS/Frozen vs. Fresh Transfer).

I am preparing my questions and am looking forward to this visit next week. 

Rainbow:       We are moving onto IVF
Rainshower:  IVF is invasive.  IVF is a last resort.  That is a scary thought - Last thought.  Eeek.  That's not how I am looking at it.  Everything is going to be just fine.  I have confidence.  I can feel it.  I have faith. 

It was a BFN but we knew going into it that it only meant that IVF is around the bend