Not being able to try...

Not being able to try is worst than trying and failing.  I like to be able to say 'at least we tried'.

Unfortunately I have two large cysts on the side I ovulated from last month.  Not good news. The RE won't let us cycle with meds this month.  I get it but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it.

"You could still try on your own", said the nurse.  

Gee thanks.  As if THAT has really been working out for us lady.  If we didn't need help getting pregnant and staying pregnant we wouldn't be your patient. Some people.  I wonder if they realize their blunder after they say it?

Today just sucks.  

We won't be able to do a medicated IUI until February now because my husband is traveling in January.  

The hope for a 2014 is so small now.

Damn it.  2013 was supposed to be my year.  That didn't happen. 2014 was definitely supposed to be my year.  That is looking bleak at this point.  I am so bummed.

The good news on the job front though:  I have an end date set.  I picked it.  I'm sticking with it.  Regardless of the state of my belly, I will be free of this awful job on August 1, 2014.  So in that way 2014 WILL be my year.

Having the end date helps me keep going when I can't stand another minute at work.  It helps me have something tangible and real to look forward to.

I may be quite pregnant, pregnant, barely pregnant or not pregnant at that time and it will still be my last day.

What will I do with my time?  Plenty.

My primary hope is that I will be growing a baby.  All other endeavors will be what I WANT to do FOR ONCE.  Since age 16 i have never taken a break.  I have never been without a job.  I have never taken time to 'find myself'.  I will need to use that time to find myself again.  I am lost in this grief, this disappointment, this expectation that I need to be doing something productive with my life even if it isn't fulfilling.  I need to find something that will fulfill me.  I need to be happy.  I need to break free of the daily doldrums.

Thank goodness I have a husband that wants to provide for me while I figure all of this out.  He is so supportive of this decision it brings me to tears.  As he says, "you have spent years supporting me and now I want to support you".  

I think I won the jackpot when I met him! He is my world.  He is the only one that understands my situation.  I love him so much.

I'm still here. I'm still not pregnant.

It's been an interesting couple of months.

I have a new Reproductive Endocrinologist.  I still have my tubes.  I just finished my first Follistim cycle with an IUI.  A BFN was expected.  A BFN is what we got.

I am on CD3.  I had an ultrasound and bloodwork this morning.  I am awaiting the results but I do know that I have a cyst.  Not sure the size or how this impacts the intention to cycle again this month with Follistim... 

Cysts. The story of 2013.  One step forward, two steps back.

It is depressing to think about the lack of progress that has occurred since my 3rd miscarriage.  (Meaning I haven't been pregnant since July 2012).

Technically I have secondary infertility now.  We are two follistim cycles away from IVF.  Which could be delayed by this stupid cyst and will be delayed by my husband travel plans for work in January.

Delay after delay.  A 2014 baby is looking to be a long shot at this point.

I am bah-humbug during December.  Oh, and I'm approaching another birthday.  

Good times all around.

Rainbow: I have my tubes.  I haven't had another miscarriage.

Rainshower: Another birthday without a baby.  I have friends that have had three children in the span of my TTC marathon.  It is hard to see these children growing up knowing their ages match up to all of my losses.  Recurrent Pregancy Loss just stinks.  Add Secondary Infertility on top of RPL and it blows!